A
female
age
41-50,
*tokes
writes:I am engaged and have been with my fiance for just over a year. We have a loving relationship and things are mostly amazing. Recently tho he has been pushing me to perform sexual acts I am not comfortable doing. For example, right now he keeps request oral sex. I am very uncomfortable with this and his pushing is making me resent him. I had a traumatic sexual experience two years ago now and this is causing my discomfort. He says that I should get help because its not normal to not want to do any sexual act?. Im not sure how to handle this he is aware of my past and says he understands but then why does he become agitated when I say no to certain things? Not sure how to handle this any help is appreciated.
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engaged, fiance, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): I would just talk to him about it, if your relationship is a loving one then having a talk and clarifying boundaries should be a piece of cake. I cannot be too much of a critic either way as I don't know all side's to the story but if you two are happy then I'm sure it can worked out easily. I agree with oldfool too in that some men treat oral as a pretty one-sided thing. They expect oral but seldom give it, if that's the case for then you may certainly have reason to be resentful. But if not then it's nothing that can't be sorted out by an honest and open chat. Best of luck to you both!!
A
female
reader, kittikat  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I have a friend who is going through a very similar situation. She was sexually abused as a child and forced to perform oral sex on her father. No matter how much counseling she goes through, she still has problems with it. The major issue that she faces is her husband's desire for oral. She's done it, half-heartedly and has told him that it bothers her. She doesn't like it. It brings her back 18 years to her abusive home. He claims to understand but still feels a sense of rejection. She too, resents the whole subject. Maybe your man and you could go to counseling together so that you can both understand eachother. Some day, you may be comfortable enough to see it as a form of expression and love. If he forces you to do anything, especially when you've told him you're not cool with it- look out! I'm sorry that you're going through this, I think it's going to take a lot of time, patience and communication on both your parts-but a little more his. Like Oldfool said, he's seeing himself as a "good guy" and can't understand why you won't do it. I also think that he's not being very sensitive about it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 He probably understands your traumatic experience of two years ago in an intellectual, but not in an emotional sense. Perhaps he thinks that he's a "good guy" and that you shouldn't be directing those feelings at him.
I think it simply represents a lack of sensitivity on his part. He's raring to go and he's perhaps a little impatient at running into a roadblock. His idea that anything goes in sex is a healthy one to have, but he's got to realise that this is between TWO people and he can't use that argument to force you to do his bidding. If you're not comfortable he's got to accept that and not continue to pressure you. The fact that you love him doesn't mean that anything goes.
I assume that the oral sex you're talking about is fellatio. I was wondering if he is being one-sided in this -- some guys like fellatio but don't like to do the same thing for their partners, which is completely selfish.
At any rate, I hope that he eases up on you -- and I also hope that with a little give and take, somewhere down the line you two will manage to gradually harmonise your sexual limits.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 You should set out your limits and boundaries .
Your b/f should be more understanding and loving.
If he cannot accept your limits,
then your relationship could be fragile and you would need to
reassess this relationship in this new light.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (24 May 2008):
well try to talk ti him about your experience if he loves he will stop but in the same token I believe that if you love someone you should try to do what pleases them... but a person who loves you will never humilate you... if he is asking for oral sex& you don't like it you are pushing him to get it else where... & if oral sexis important to him& he loves it he should be doing evrything in his power to try to turn you on so that he never has to ask you will want to...maybe he just wants it cuz you don't and in that case dump that loser!!
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 Never be pushed in to doing something that you are not comfortable doing. He should not be expecting you to carry out these acts knowing your traumatic experience 2 years ago. Maybe you should find the right time and have another word with him, tell him you are not happy that he is pushing you to perform these acts. Talk to him sooner rather than later, if he truly loves you he will stop asking you do do these things.
good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Maybe you should take a look at this website: www.asexuality.org
Just in case. I'm not saying that you're asexual, but it's a possibility.
You're not messed up. I also just find some sexual acts too crude and don't want to do them. It doesn't mean I have problems, it just means I don't feel comfortable doing them.
If he loves you, then he need to grow up, and realize that sex isn't everything...and if you really feel pressured by him then tell him to hit the road, because you're better than being bullied around like that.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (24 May 2008):
 I not do oral btw. So I am sure we are not that unusual.
Just talk things though and insist that he keeps calm.
I think he expects you to cave in; but stick to your principles, if you are really against it. It shouldn't become the most important thing.
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A
female
reader, blackbeltbaby +, writes (24 May 2008):
 one thing that needs to be made very clear is that weither this man was your boyfriend, your fiancee or your husband... you owe him nothing. he has no right to expect anything from you. sexual acts between couples should not be expected but an experience that both people are compelled to do. as you have a difficult experience before, your fiancee shoud be treating you with respect and should understand that him demanding oral sex is only going to drag old experiences up in you mind. my advice would be to sit down and explain to him that right now he is not mking to you feel very secure or safe, tell him that you do really love him but he is being very unreasonable by pushing you to do things.... and remember you are a human being and deserve to be happy, do not let this man control you. its better to be alone and happy than attached and unhappy.
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A
female
reader, Delightful +, writes (24 May 2008):
Hi, this sounds a difficult situation for both of you - clearly you are uncomfortable with things and this is understandable and you need to find some outside help to discuss it, a counsellor or your doctor could help? Your fiance too has his needs which he feels are not being met, so again, there is frustrations from his side too.
Perhaps you could take a break from sex and go back to the basics of cuddling/kissing and then you initiating what you feel comfortable with your fiance without him pushing you to do things you don't want to right now. If he is not prepared to be patient with you and take things slowly, then I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions over whether you want the rest of your life to be like this sexually with him? If he is not kind and respectful now, it will not get any better.
I do hope you can work things out but please don't be pressurised into doing things you don't want to, it is your body and you need to respect yourself. Your fiance needs to understand this and to learn that hopefully in time, things will turn around. From his view, if he is not going to have a fulfilled sex-life and you know this already, then you need to let him go as he will only resent you for the rest of your lives and most likely look for it elsewhere. I do not mean to be hurtful but both peoples needs have to be accommodated with love and patience and compromise, it is how much you are both prepared to care for each other that will make the difference.
Good luck and keep us posted.
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