A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will try to keep this brief.I have been with this guy for almost 8 months. Things are either better than I ever imagined a relationship to be or I feel worse than I have ever felt in my Life. He went through a bout of depression a few months ago and he was horribly verbally abusive and rarely physically abusive. He kept promising that it wasn't who he really was and that I knew who he really was from when we started dating and that he just needed time to build his self-confidence back up after being unemployed for a few months.He went home for 2 weeks and I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to relax and not feel like I am walking on eggshells. I went to my family's house and his behavior became worse. He would barrage me with phone calls and if I missed a call he would leave a message telling me how unbelievable I was and that he hoped I was having fun with "the guy". Mind you, I have never in my Life been unfaithful to ANY of my ex-boyfriends and I have no desire to either. This is a topic that I have to reassure him of every day. He would get angry that he felt as though I was paying more attention to my family than I was to him, and told me that we were done if I didn't bring the phone to the dinner table so he could hear my family's voices. Even when he heard them, because I have 2 adult brothers, he would ask me to somehow prove that I was with them and not with two other men.He has been back for one week and the night before he came back I went to the grocery store to get a birthday cake to make for his belated birthday (while he was gone) and a surprise gourmet dinner that I was going to make. As I was checking out, he called and asked where I was and why I hadn't called him in over 1 hour. I explained that I was at the grocery store and he replied with "why are you there? why didn't you tell me you were going there? How do I know what you're really doing?" I started sobbing at the check out counter because this was the same thing that had happened time after time after time and he kept promising that he trusted me and that he just needed me to be patient with him and his insecurities during his "dark depressed days". I went home and he called back and said "Why did you tell me you were making me a dinner? why didn't you surprise me and just tell me that you were getting your dinner, sweetheart?" I felt like that was such a contradiction (although minor) that represented the past 7 of 8 months of empty promises...of feeling so high and then so low...of feeling like I am walking on eggshells and have to explain why I wear this underwear versus another pair of underwear to work. Last night, we were going to eat and I was looking across the street at the crosswalk sign waiting for it to turn and he says "hold on", stands there very awkwardly and then says "who was that?". I had no idea what he was talking about and then two minutes later he was like (while still standing there as though I was supposed to know what he was talking about) "who was that who looked at us and then crossed the street and looked surprised? he lives in the building. are yo usure you don't know him? are you sure you didn't meet with him while I was gone?". I saw no one. I did not meet with anyone. I told him that he was absolutely crazy and that we were done. I went home and started to pack my things because I have had absolutely enough of these false accusations (which I ahve calmly explained to him make me feel worse than actually being cheated on, well over 50 times) and he came home and said "Okay, let's come to a compromise. let's brainstorm as to why the guy looked at us and crossed the street". I told him it was probably because we, too, were standing below a crosswalk signal and when it turned, he crossed.I slept in the bathroom because I was so filled with rage at the situation - not because of that situation alone but because of these situations occurring bi- or tri-weekly and he comes in and says "Remember that I love you and that you are the one leaving me. I am like a train and if you leave me, we will never be again". Is this a scare tactic? Are men serious when they say this?I know I am being very stupid but I keep holding on to this false hope that he was not feeding me empty promises, afterall when things are good, its the best that I've ever felt in my Life...and then less than 30 minutes later, because of an event unknown to me, I feel like I am the worthless wh*re that he used to tell me I was during his "dark days".
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female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (5 January 2009):
He is too suspicious and paranoid. Not excusing it, but it could be a by-product of his depression. He needs professional help, counseling, therapy, whatever you want to call it. He may need meds also. It will take alot of time and hard work on his part to get better, and he still will have relapses.
I think for your own sanity and self-esteem you at least need to take a break from this relationship. He needs to take the time to get well, but not at your expense. If he does the work and gets better, then maybe you could give the relationship a try once again. If he does get better, he will realize the error of his ways (verbally abusing you and being possessive and suspicious of you for no reason). He will want to try again with you, instead of sticking to that ultimatum ("if you leave me, we will never be again"). How long can you put up with his behavior and comments without it causing long-lasting or permanent damage to your own psyche, if it hasn't already?
What if he were an alcoholic? Would you be able to put up with his behavior and comments said under the influence for long? Probably not. Alcoholism and depression are similar in that they are both lifelong battles to overcome and maintain. They are both roads to hell.
The love of my life was an alcoholic. It was either heaven or hell, literally swinging from one end to the other in a matter of hours. I ended it after 3 years, b/c I knew my very emotional survival and self-esteem and sanity depended upon ending it with him. I knew things would never change, and I couldn't live with that nor accept it.
Though I haven't acted in the ways your bf has, I myself have been diagnosed with bipolar depression (formerly known as manic-depression). There are days when it is hell for me as the afflicted, and it is hell for my family to watch as well (dark days, as you refer to them). Unfortunately, due to lack of insurance and funds, I have had to discontinue therapy for the time being. But therapy helped quite a bit. I know that I need to return to therapy to help me overcome some of my obstacles, and will probably need it off and on for the rest of my life. In the interim, I attend a support group for people with depression, which can be very helpful.
Our support group also has a "caregivers" support group extension, which is for friends and family of those afflicted. It helps them cope with their own feelings and gives them tools and skills to help them help their depressed loved ones. You might want to think about something like this for yourself to get through, even if the two of you do not stay together. Try searching DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance), as they are based in the US and may have a local chapter to you. You could also suggest the support group to your bf, as it would only benefit him to talk openly amongst others who are going through the same thing as he. As he gets better, he will find that he is able to help others in the group in turn, which will give him self-confidence.
If he refuses to get help or becomes angry at any suggestions you may give him to get help (such as getting into therapy or attending a support group -- better yet, both), then he is refusing to admit he even has a problem, and that to me would indicate there is no hope. He seems to acknowledge his depression to you, which is a good start, but is he getting any help for it? Has he been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having depression? Maybe there is something else going on (there are many different types of mental and personality disorders out there - some of them take years to get properly diagnosed).
If you choose to stay with him, it will take all your patience and all your strength to get through. He needs to start taking responsibility for his illness and either get professional help, or work harder if he is already getting help (possibly changing therapists/doctors if the current ones are not doing much good). He needs to have the desire to get well before he can get well. He will need to do at least 30% of the work from within himself (they say it's a combination of therapy, meds, and you all working in unison and in conjunction with one another to overcome and maintain mental illness). You both will need to arm yourselves with information. There are lots of great websites and books out there on the subject. Read all you can - knowledge is power. Knowledge is understanding. Good luck to you and your bf. Let us know how things are going.
A
female
reader, alexus516 +, writes (5 January 2009):
 Wow. He is insecure. If he cannot trust you one bit, then leave him for sure. Tell him that you are sick and tired of his questioning and accusations, and that if he really wants you and loves you, he would trust you, and not have to ask so many questions. You are like a spider trapped in his web, it could be like a game for him. Then again, the poor guy may need some real help. He has to want to change for himself, not just for you or the people around him. You seem like a smart lady, and faithful, and if he just wont believe you, there is nothing there for you. You need someone who trusts in you, and believes you when you say you are faithful.
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