A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my ex a year and a half ago b/c I found out he had a gf back home. We've tried remaining friends, but things have been pretty rough....This year at Easter, he told me he couldn't handle things anymore, and just needed space. I thought I would never hear from him again, but then something pretty big happened, the gf found out about me and some other women he had been with since moving here, and he called me. We started talking again and hanging out; he was doing nice things like buying treats I like and keeping them at his apartment for when I came to visit. There has always been a sexual attraction there and I knew he was really attracted to me again, but I knew that the other woman was still in the picture, they still talked etc, and he was trying to decide whether he wanted to continue with her or not. I know that I could have used this as an opportunity to work things out, but I have not been interested in playing second fiddle to anyone, nor did I want to be his rebound or anything.Slowly he started backing off and when I called him on it, he said that he had never been just friends with a girl before without being sexual and he wasn't quite sure how to act. He also hinted that he still had feelings for me but was really nervous around me. Since we broke up he has really tried to limit the amount of communication b/w us, and I have spoken to him about this, but nothing has changed. Recently I just said forget it. Immediately, once I backed off he started calling and texting...Friday he called 3 times. Saturday morning he left for a vacation, he was texting me from the airport.....he doesn't know that I know that he will be seeing the gf. Since then I have heard nothing. My parents have met him and know EVERYTHING. My dad, who is a very smart man who has been around the block before he finally settled down and married my mom at 50 thinks that this guy really does love me. He says from everything he has seen when we are together and in speaking to him that he loves me but that he is scared. He thinks that with the gf, it allows him to be in a relationship without any responsibility or real commitment since she is away and there is no real way of them being together for at least another year or more. So, he has the emotional intimacy, but still has all the freedom he needs. My dad says with me it is different...I am here, and I won't let him get away with nonsense and my dad thinks that if this guy did allow himself to get with me that would be it....I hope that makes sense. Anyway, what I really want to know is how to fix this...I don't want to chase him, nor do I want to come second with him. I miss him and after 2 year of not BEING with him I still think of him every day. We went for 2 months with absolutely no contact of any kind and still ended up back in each other's lives. I just don't like being marginalized because he is afraid....I have tried everything I know, but he is hot and cold. When he does see me I can see he has a hard time controlling himself...I know that he is deeply attracted to me and I am the first person he calls when something big or exciting happens, but he just limits our contact as much as possible. Your help and suggestions are really appreciated. Thanks!
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female
reader, Oregongrl1  +, writes (18 August 2010):
I think you are doing the right thing by playing it cool and not getting your heart broke! and if 2 people love each other there are no head games involved just total respect, love & honesty. and needing space? and up and down on his part that is not a good thing wishy washy!!! i would cool out all together and tell him you either know you care for me and want to be w/ me all the way or you don't it's as simple as that. what part is hard to understand? someone who cares and loves you dearly and wants to be apart of your life! or one who is not quite sure what to do just yet? whats holding him back that is what you need to find out.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Here are what some professionals have to say:
http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/dear-miriam/2009/02/why-those-boomerang-relationsh.html
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/how-to-spot-emotionally-unavailable-men/
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 I agree more or less with OhGetReal.
Your biggest assumption is this:
"I just don't like being marginalized because he is afraid"
He's not afraid... why would he be? He knows that no matter what he does that you'll still be interested in him. Frankly it sounds like he only wants you when he thinks he can't have you... so he becomes interested/frustrated trying to win you back... then finally when you give in, his ego is satisfied and he loses interest.
Just my 2 cents.
Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (18 August 2010):
I think your Dad who was a single man until age 50 and finally settled down by default and married your mother is doing you a huge disservice by giving you any opinion at all on this guys feelings for you or on the course of the relationship.
I think he is trying to make you feel better, but failing horribly in that he is giving you hope where very little exists.
The fact remains that this relationship between you two is not going anywhere at all, you are making some assumptions here that you really have no proof of because the guy is not yours...it is irrelevant whether or not he is really with the other woman or not officially, he is with other women and he is lying and covering it up to all two of you or three of you or God knows how many women there are.
This guy is emotionally unavailable and he is giving you false hope by staying in contact with you and making up excuses that he is nervous around you.
The guy is in his mid 30's, he's a grown man, he's not scared of you, or of having a relationship with you, he isn't giving it to you for a reason, he's not available!
He broke up with you two years ago and at your insistence you have remained "friends". I think it is nearly impossible to remain friends with an ex as usually it leads to someone getting hurt eventually, and you can't move on with your life and be emotionally available to a guy who really is capable of loving you back because you are hung up and focused on this guy who isn't capable.
This man doesn't love you, he is too old to be scared, the only thing he is scared of is how much he's not into you.
He's moved on with his life, he's dating other women, what are you doing along those lines?
You broke up with him because he lied to you and misled you and he had a girlfriend back home that you didn't know about. He's deceitful, he's manipulative, he's cunning, he's a user, he's an ass-clown. Men like him don't deserve your time much less your brain space and emotional energy...If you continue to stay enmeshed emotionally with him when he is giving you nothing, then you are just going to be writing us this same question in another year and a half, move on, this guy's a romantic dud.
I know you wanted to have an answer on how to fix this, you can't fix a man who is so narcissistic that he puts his emotional needs first no matter what and calls you when something BIG happens to him, but is not there for you and lies to you about his other girlfriends. He isn't capable of loving you because he isn't capable of that depth of emotion, he doesn't feel it, it's not there.
The only reason you are confused is because you are dependent on this guys attention and you have become addicted to the fantasy of what you think you have here...but it's all an illusion and like any addiction it can take hold of your life and ruin it if you don't break away.
Do you see why you can't be friends with this man? How it is harming you and your chances for a real love life?
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