A
female
age
51-59,
*xcsb
writes:i have been involved with a guy for 7 months and we live 2hrs apart.i met him on a dating site,and we agreed to remove ourself from all dating sites.he keeps telling me he isnt on no dating sites nor sex sites but i have been in his email and caught him on a few and he has promised to stay off.why does he keep lieing about it and lieing to me?i have asked many times and we argue over this which i feel unfair to me.i am losing trust very quickly. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lolx  +, writes (22 March 2008):
 The Dating Site Horror
Hun, I have the same problem as you and I decided to forget until noticeable behaviour happens. These sites should be banned and they lead men especially by women that dont actually have a life and ruin relationships. I dont credit his behaviour on these sites and his ego has probably taken control of his behaviour. It made feel digusting and sick to my stomach. Same as Chippy2 I have been with my bf of 2 years and spend most of his time with me but the intent is there at the back of mind I think would he?
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female
reader, kittikat +, writes (22 March 2008):
 Grrrr. I hate those sites, they're the devil! I recently found out that my boyfriend who I've been with for over 5 years had an Adult Friend Finder paid account. I've played around on free, innocent dating sites looking for people that I might know, but I've never been secretive and always joked about it. Adult Friend Finder is solely for sex! We're geographically separated right now due to the military, but we're getting married in three months and I'm moving to be with him. When I asked him if he had an account, he said "no" and then I told him that I found him on the site and he lost his mind! He was mad at me for violating his privacy! HA! Told me all kinds of things about how he was bored one night and that he had to sign up for it to access a porn site, blah blah blah. But, he had "friends" on there and had actually filled out information realistically. That's what shocked me, it's actually how I knew it was him- some of the answers to their random questions. He claims to have never met or talked to anyone on the site but I saw that he had it for about 9 months, needless to say-it really messed with my head. I've processed it and we've talked about it, I'm trying to move on, but I'd like to figure out just what the deal is with people sometimes. I believe that he hasn't cheated on me, but I don't like the fact that he broke my trust in such a blatantly disrespectful way! Good luck, that's all I can say. I think you have to figure out if the juice is worth the squeeze! I'm doing that right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Well I do understand how you feel. But as a typical man, I use my brain located between my legs. You live two hours apart, which in America could be 120 miles apart (in Germany, 10 kilometers apart). If you've been doing this the entire time of 7 months, then I can somewhat understand his part, but that is because I'm making assumptions of the relationship that I don't know for a fact. The assumption is that you don't see each other that much, maybe on the weekends, and maybe these visits are not quality time visits, such as expressing and displaying deep emotions for each other and about each other to the other. When you think you have something, and the distance apart makes one feel lonely, then what he is doing, if he doesn't have other things to keep him occupied, would be likely to happen. Know I have experienced a relationship that we lived about 40 miles apart, but travel time could be also 2 hours because of traffic. I wanted to see her, but she had a busy schedule. Now I didn't have internet back then, but I did go to a club where live music and alcoho was served, and yes I danced and flirted, but nothing else happened. Eventually, I could never get an answer from her so I moved on and bought a home. This was about 6 months into the relationship. When she called, she was upset that I didn't ask her opinion and be there to select the house. By this time, I had given up on her and was no longer interested in her as a mate, I needed some one more reliable then what she gave. We talked 3 hours, the best conversation we ever had, but it was to late.I don't know your situation, why you both can't move closer and spend more time together, but if this isn't dealt with, then human nature will prevail and we will socialize.f he has met some of these girls, then I'd say it is over, if he is doing it to keep up his socializing skills, then you both need to make arrangements to move closer. We must be understanding of each others needs. Hopefully this lack of having needs met because your long distance, doesn't end up with one of you having an affair, this would say their is an absolute disconnect between you, and the relationship is in big trouble.Good luck, hopefully you'll both communicate and make changes that will bring you both together. I will not pounce on him or you, for I don't know the real facts of the situation, all I can and should do, is offer suggestions, and for you to decide if the fit your situation, and if so, open dialogue with your mate.
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female
reader, mskate +, writes (21 March 2008):
in other words, he's going around -acting and telling people (on these dating sites) that he is single and ready to date.
he tells you that he doesn't want to date anyone else,
but he's paying $$$ and actively on these sites chatting with potential candidates.
hello??!!
and he continues to do this even after you've told him that it hurts your feelings - this just shows that he doesn't really care what you think.
some men are dumb... but one thing they all do is weight out consequence vs benefit. he's already compared the consequence (of you two arguing or breaking up) with the benefit (talking to and/or dating someone else).
the fact speaks for itself... he thinks that benefit is worth you two breaking up.
what does that mean? he's only physically around cause he hasn't found someone who also wants him... but emotionally, he's already gone.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 March 2008):
 It looks like he is still enjoying those activities.
It is either you stay and he changed or he stays and you leave.
Can your love overcome this problem?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): Hi HunnyI can only agree with what isish has said, You canot have trust in a relationship if he keeps you in the dark so to speak, lying to you is not trust so you need to evaluate your relationship and see if it does'nt do you any good hunny..If you feel upset or pressured to be something your not then your not in the right relationship..DATING SITES!!!! WHY!!!!If he is happy with you then there would be no need, Hunny please dont be walked over take a step in the right direction and let him be his own person and you carry on with your life and be free as we are and should be free spirits....He obviously does not agree with you so go and be yourself and find someone who will make you happy....TAKE CARE LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): To be straight forward with you...you are involved with a man who is not committed nor does he want to be. You are basically just a 'rest stop' in his life, someone he comes back to occasionally for a bit o' fun, but picks up and does what he darn well pleases, when he gets the itch. There are both men and woman like this, and they cannot maintain an ongoing relationship. The know nothing of loyalty and devotion.
Trust and respect are the foundation in all relationships.. You have attempted to set boundries by speaking to him time and again, about this problem. He has lied is not prepared to stop.
Hun, don’t ever let anybody determine how you feel about yourself. No one should have that kind of power over you. Stay away from people who tear you down. I preach boundries, because all relationships, need them. So many young women are afraid to draw boundries in their relationships, with their partners, due to fear of loss and insecurity. Sometimes when people disrespect us, we take the risk of setting tough boundries, rather than continually permitting ourselves to be hurt and devastated by a loved one's actions/behaviours. He needs to learn to grow up and stop using his 'online dating' antics as a catalyst to keep massaging his ego. Honestly...my opinion. Don't talk anymore, just walk. It will hurt like hell, at first, but at least you leave with your self-respect intact. Take care, dear and be strong.
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (21 March 2008):
Let me know if anyone has the answer to this - I feel for you as I am going thru the same thing - He is on 5 sites and we have been dating 3 yrs! He says he doesnt want to date anyone else - it was most hurtful when he sent 'flowers' with his points to someone just earlier this week! My therapist says that if he spends his time with me I shouldnt worry - It makes me feel so bad though and I have told him so - Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2008): My ex-boyfriend did the same exact thing. We met online through a dating site and he never removed himself. I found out later that he had been dating other girls the entire time behind my back. He had girls calling him, texting him and he was meeting them when I wasn't around. I never trusted him and checked his phone and email constantly. I would get out while you still can.
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