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female
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*dngrrl
writes: I'm a 30 year old female and I am dating a 39 year male. We have been having sex for two weeks now (about 8 times) and are not using a condom because we both got checked for STD's. My problem is, and I have never had this happen before, that no matter when we have sex (late at night, first thing in the morning or the evening) he has never cum. I usually cum but he doesn't. He never goes soft and we just finally have to stop. I have asked how I can help him but he is shy and he just tells me I'm doing everything right. This is starting to affect my self esteem. I have always thought that I was a great lover and my past partners have always told me that too. Should I be worried? Are there any guys out there that can shed some light on this? I really like him but I'm thinking I should just walk away because how satisfied could he be and I just can't get him to talk about it but yet he keeps coming back for more. I am super confused
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female
reader, cdngrrl +, writes (24 April 2006):
cdngrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank April 16th writer. After all the stress and what not, I stumbled upon what I thought the answer might be his problem. From our talks and from my own experience, I thought he might be on anti-depressants and this was leading to his inability to cum. I delicately brought up the subject of meds being the source of his/our problem and he told me I was right. We had a big talk and he explained a lot about his past that I wasn't aware of. It was a big break through but, he did pull away for a bit but we are building things again. The road of relationships is never smooth is it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2006): hickeyhickey is exactly right. Same thing happened to me with a new girl once. It was precisely the opposite of your worries. I was simply so amazed to be with her, I couldn't even relax enough to "finish" as it were. Even a couple of times, I could hardly get it up to begin with. Just anxiety, is all. Reassure him. Laugh, and play, and let him know you care. If you get more anxious about it, especially if you let it drive a wedge, it will just make him feel worse, and it will all go down from there. Giggle and take it as a compliment. Likely, he's just so smitten with you, dear.
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A
male
reader, hickeyhickey +, writes (2 April 2006):
 i can help you here as ive just broke up from a relaitionship with this problem
im a male of 33 years of age and this was happening to me with my new girlfriend. she had just moved back from abroad after leaving her family and freinds to live with a bloke. she has a one year old from the relaitionship. i met her in the local boozer and she said she liked me and wanted to go out. so we started having sneeky snogs in the hall way of the pub as she didnt want to tell her parents about us yet. i started to wonder why this was.her one year old sons christening was coming up and there was rumours the father was coming to it. she was still very much in love with her man before she came home but he didnt want to live over here as where she lives is a rundown area and all her family are very close and live there lives in each others pockets.
The moral of my story anyway is that when we were trying to make love i couldnt let my self go with her as all the stuff that was going on in the back of my mind about the relaitionship stopped me being able to relax with her.
when you cant relax with your partner you become full of anxiety and in your mind you start telling your self cum cum cum cum. the whole thing strarts to snowball into a big problem. WHAT you have to do is talk to him and make him feel more at ease with you. see if there is somthing on his mind bothering him about your relaitionship.he may not fancy you enough. he may not see a future with you. it could be a whole load of stuff that stops him relaxing. it may have happend in the past and he will be worrying that it will happen again.this leads to it straight away.the only way round it is talking to each other. getting more intamate. hope i have helped you.
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A
female
reader, cdngrrl +, writes (2 April 2006):
cdngrrl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to thank every one for their help. This has been really difficult to deal with and especially hard on my self esteem because I worry that he will just go off me because I don't "do it" for him. The retard ejaculation concept has really helped me because I have tried oral sex and using my hands and nothing has helped. I will try to be supportive, make him comfortable and try not to worry about it so much.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (1 April 2006):
 There is a condition for what your fella has,its called Retarded ejaculation,its where a man has sex but cannot climax.It is usually down to nerves and his anxiety about being good in bed.Tell him to take a trip down the doctors,they should be able to help,and believe me...it is quite common.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (1 April 2006):
 I would talk to him about it. This sounds very strange to me. I have never heard of this type of thing before. The opposite is more often the case. Men are not like women. I've known women who can enjoy sex for the closeness and bounding and often be happy if the experience doesn't lead to an orgasm for them.
As a man, I have never had this experience nor have I heard of this happening in my circle of friends.
If you read this column, you'll often hear about women "not minding having sex with their partner because he needs it" but I've never, ever, heard of a man who would be content to, shall we say, perform oral on his partner and then simply role over and go to sleep without reaching a climax himself.
More often than not, it doesn't work that way. For a man to continually do that, there must be an issue. The good news is, it's probably not you !! If he's hard and going through the motions, he'll cum. IT feels too good. It wouldn't matter who the woman was at that point. That's shallow but honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): Yes of course, it hapens like that to more than 45% of men, but it doesn't mean what you think. this can be due to excitement of the new love, worries and shies, not believing of their eyes and even daily sexing. if it keep on going, meet his doctor together and get Biological check plus advice; also, check out your medics and his especially in this period of your togetherness,some medicines are seminal prohibitive and even anti erection; for sure you will both enjoy your love than ever before. Dumping him is increasing his minute miseries into a hip of unsolvable psychological cramps and leading a pinching trauma in him, I say this because I know how it hurts to be left without assistance by your lover when your in trouble, especially sexual ones. If it will completely fail, tell him to be faithful to himself that "even if it could be you failing to keep him feel a man, he could not go on with the relationship" then you can walk away safely and in peace without destroying even your normal friendship and adding the number of enemies in your life. ALL THE BEST!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): i've found that when my man does that its been because he's recently got his load off elsewhere?? seems normal now to me! if we spend heaps of time together he cums coz he hasn't been "wandering" elsewhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2006): If all else is right, then don't drop him. I'll wager that he'll eventually ejaculate if you continue to make love. I'd hate to think that his failure to ejaculate (in a relatively new relationship) would be your reason for ending the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Angelicc +, writes (1 April 2006):
 i think if your in a sexual relationship you should be comfortable enough in your relationship to say what you like and dont like. you should try talking to him again tellig him how this is really worrying you. if that doesn't work then try experimenting a little, theres are loads different ways of satisfieing a guy. maybe you need to try different postions, experiment with different type of foreplay (use a bit of ice), maybe try using you a pearl/beaded neckless with doing a hj. dont give up on your relationship because you don't think you satisfing you boyfriend, all it does is my sx mor of a challenge and more exciting as it makes you want to experiment.
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