A
female
age
41-50,
*onaldson
writes:I'm in a confused state and feel like I'm in a no win situation with my boyfriend. We had an intense relationship for three months then, due to huge cultural differences and miscommunication, I ended it. It was just too hard being with him. He'd joke about things like race and women, tell me I was too sensitive and basically make me feel bad about myself. Though I loved him still I ended it. After two months apart I got back in contact with him. The love I felt was as strong as ever and I felt so empty without him. We decided to give it another try. For the past two weeks it's been lovely....like it was right at the beginnng of the relationship. All love and kindness. Then, last night as we were chatting online he started with his inflammatory comments on race (particularly having a go at the English....which is my nationality) It upset me and I told him so. Once again he told me I was too sensitive and then started saying he was worried about us. He basically inferred that the things he thinks are "usual" would absolutely crush me......like purposefully making me angry etc....I don't understand why anyone would purposefully make someone angry...especially someone you love. I'm no saint but I've never actively tried to hurt and upset anyone...ever! Is it such an unusual request to ask for a little of that kindness and understanding in return from the person who's meant to love me? We're meeting on Saturday hopefully so I'm determined to chat about it then. Meanwhile I'm having horrible dreams about us where he treats me really badly and ignores me etc....Am I being too sensitive? How can I toughen up? It just feels like I can't win! I can't live with him, I can't live without him!Any advice would be great but please be kind....I can't bear anymore harsh words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2007): The "huge cultural differences" you mention are his jokes about Englishmen? May be that your boundary between jokes and malitious comments don't coincide with his. Perhaps he is even trying to make you stronger" " by ocassionally percolating a taunting comment and see the feedback it rises, or it is purely his nature, bad intentions aside. If he's a playful person he may be expecting your response in the same manner. Hard to say if you haven't provided examples...
A
female
reader, donaldson +, writes (24 October 2007):
donaldson is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe always remarks about the intelligence levels of other nationalities (and races). He's Italian and thinks they are superior to EVERYONE in every way. Despite going out with an English girl (me!) he seems to think that the English are the most stupid, the most ignorant. I can't help but take it personally. I hate it when anyone generalises about any group of people. Of course he always says he's joking afterwards but it makes me angry (and he knows it does) so why do it? The thing is I never retaliate. I could say something about Italians being arrogant and deluded just to get back at him but it's not in my nature and I genuinelly don't think that it's true. Unlike him I don't want to lump a whole nationality together and judge them! I KNOW I'm too sensitive but I can't seem to toughen up.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (24 October 2007):
 It would be nice to have a couple examples of what his remarks about nationality or race are. Being English is not a race. I'm white Canadian and my wife is a Latin woman from the Caribbean, a typical mixture of North American Indian/Spanish/Black. I've lived in her country and we've been in Canada for many years. Race,culture,customs etc can be humorous. Many customs are different, hard to understand and can appear to be ridiculous, although they are usually based on a practical reason. Humor dissects customs of different people and compares it to what is customary in the place the joke is being told. If it is being said with malice and hopes to inflict pain and ridicule, it's bad. If a joke is just a funny little point, one that a comedian might use, it's harmless. It doesn't take long before you can really tell if a person is racist etc.Can you add more information about the nature of his remark?
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