A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi all just wanted your advice see ive been dating this guy for 4 months and since we started to go out he hasnt had a job , i mean hes tried going to job center and trying all sorts of places but its because he didnt get any qualifications in school and the places near us seem to only want people who has and who has experiance which he hasnt anyway im beginnnig to think it wont work out with us , is this wrong and am i wrong in thinking this , i mean ive tried to help him also but again cant find anything and im thinking of ending it with him . and letting him have space and time to find a job as i work week days and i feel hes trying to get a week day job so we can still spend time in weekend . am i being selfish please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 January 2008):
 I agree with anon e mouse to be honest.
I have a couple of things that are a must when i next meet someone and they are the same 2 things. Apart from the obvious other things of course!
I am in no position to support someone, i have 2 children who are not yet teens so i have some expenses of my own that are my responsibility for a few years yet! I also wouldnt ever expect someone to pay my way. So it goes both ways of course.
I wouldnt see any future with the guy you are talking about so i can understand your concerns and i think its something you need to think very carefully about, whether you go any further with him or not.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): You say he's tried all sorts off places. Then at least he is trying. He could brush up on interview techniques and typical questions. Barring this he needs to return to education and get those qualifications he left school without. It hard getting the knock back all the time, he needs to be persistant and not let it get him depressed.I think leaving him for not having a job when he is clearly trying to get one is like kicking him when he's down. Good luck
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (25 January 2008):
 I don't think you're being selfish at all. Thing is the fact he left school without any qualifications doesn't mean he can't get a job. He can start small and build from there.
I left school after doing A-levels and got an office job where I met my best friend. I built my career from there. My best friend, on the other hand, left school with no qualifications at 15 (so had been working for about 3 years when we met) and through his own hard work and determination is now a Finance Manager in a largue blue-chip company earning £45k a year, with a wife and kid and a lovely house in a nice area which they bought for somewhere in the region of £400,000....
So stop making excuses for him... Sounds like he needs a kick up the a*se. If I were you I'd be tempted to put your foot down and tell him he needs to sort it out as it's putting a huge strain on your relationship and you don't think the two of you will last unless he does something about it. How you handle it is up to you but I wouldn't say this in a angry way, put it to him nicely (unless of course you've already tried that).
He still has options - what about working in as an apprentice in a trade? He can start at the bottom and work up from there? We're nearing the end of winter... He could do some labouring on building sites as a start, or learn a trade by starting at the bottom like painting/decorating, landscape gardening, work as a tyre fitter at a garage and work his way up to a mechanic, etc. There are options but he really has to go get them.
I had similar issues with my EX, although she had decent qualifications. The relationship was extremely difficult since whilst I was at work 5 days a week she was often bored and down a lot. It also made things very hard on us as we couldn't do the things I/we wanted to do often due to lack of money. For example, I wanted to have a proper holiday, somewhere sunny, but there was no way I could afford to pay for a both of us so I didn't have one. Lucky for her, her family took her away on one during the summer and I went without.
She was so fussy there was no way she would find a job. Unrealistic expectations. I tried to talk to her about it and said just get a job and earn some money and think of all the things we'll be able to do. It doesn't have to be the perfect job... Just get something for the time-being and look around for something better while you're earning.
I often felt taken for granted and often she would selfishly argue about money when she doesn't even earn anything... She would have a go at me if I bought myself a nice shirt saying think about what we could do with that money... When I bought her loads of clothes on shopping trips in London I didn't hear her complaining then.
After a while I managed to help her get a job working in a nice, friendly pub (the landlord knew my Dad well and has known me since I was about 5 years old). She said she fancied working either as a waitress or behind the bar so I took her in there as soon as a vacancy came up and practically got her the job. She started complaining after just a week that she didn't think is was what she thought it would be and didn't know whether she wanted to continue.
We split up about 2 weeks after she started working (due to other issues) and she left the job about 4 weeks after that (by sending the boss a text message).
She was living at home and I live in a rented flat (or apartment to you Americans) so I had bills to pay, food to buy, a car to run etc. She had a mobile phone which her Mum and Dad paid for and that's it.
The issue here is one of compatibility.
Now, when I'm out and meeting girls, one of my "criteria" (other than what I look for in a girl in terms of personality etc) is she must have a job and can drive too (a bit of independance). I'm not fussed whether she earns £10k a year or £30k a year but she must have a job.
Don't get me wrong - I like to pay for things, it gives me a sense of taking care of my girl. We've been on nice weekend break to Brighton, shopping trips to London including dinner, been to the theatre, we go out to dinner, go out for a drink, all sorts of things. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a bit of help.
Can you imagine what life would be like if you want to live together and share the bills? Get married? Having kids?
Situations like this put unneccesary strain on relationships and I THINK YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM EITHER A BIT OF A KICK UP TH A*SE TO SORT HIMSELF OUT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
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