A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Going to try and keep things to the point.I am 22, the guy I am involved with is also 22. We are not in a relationship but that is what we're working towards, there have been a few hiccups in our situation which is why we aren't official just yet.I met him in February, we were friends first and then started to develop feelings for one another in May and have been involved with each other since. But he has unresolved issues with his ex (who was on a year abroad, they were seeing each other until December and then broke up over Skype whilst she was in another country) she then came back to England in June and they ended up having sex in June. This ex of his shares the same friend circle as him, so whenever he's out with his friends, she is there. And they have been friend since he was 15, so they've known each other for many years.I didn't find out that he had sex with her until September when he told me about it. So to me, it's still quite recent even though it happened way before that. I have been working on my trust with him and he has been very open with me in relation to this ex, he's shown me their conversations so I know there's nothing more going on between them, but I do feel uneasy when he's in her presence. Recently I asked him if he would like to spend New years with me as all my friends are spending it with their partners and I have no plans, he informed me that he is going to be spending it with his friends, but I wondered why I never received an invite and he told me that his ex will obviously be there and he doesn't want to bring me into the midst of all that yet because he knows im still trying to get over that situation and it will just be awkward but he knows new years is a big deal for me because I've told him it is. And I felt that if that situation with his ex is really over then why not bring me along, he said the only reason he doesn't want to bring me is because he will feel uncomfortable and so will I and he's not ready to be in the same room as me and his ex at the same time because of the feelings that I have towards her, but I still think it's one night, it's a special event as well as it isnt just a random night out, so why not put those feelings to the side for one day and enjoy everyones company together.I've explained this to him and he's understanding it but he's not changing his decision. He said new years isn't a big deal (for him but understands that it is for me) and that it's just one day and it wont affect us as a whole.Either way, I am quite upset with that decision but I can't tell if I'm overreacting. I am dealing with a lot and all I want is to spend that night with him, I don't mind if his ex is there I just want to have a fun night.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2014): Good for you! Glad you two worked it out. Enjoy your New Years with your love. Maybe you two can take advantage of the holidays and how fortunate you two are to have each other and finally make your relationship official.
Happy New Year and enjoy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear everyone, Thank you all for your response. I thought I may add that me and him are "exclusive" but due to the things I'm dealing with we are not yet in a relationship. However, I see him every few days, we are always going on dates, I've met his whole family, I am invited over to his house for Christmas dinner as my family do not celebrate it and he wants me to be included.This ex of his has been his friend since he was 15 years old, he is now 22. So I do understand that they are friends, however I do also think me being invited is not that big of a deal, especially on new years. If it was any other night out, I wouldn't be as fussed because that night can always come again, however new years is once a year and its something you spend with your close friends/family/lover. After a bit of thought, he has decided that he's going to bring me to the event, so I will be spending new years with him after all.Thank you all for your advice. It was much appreciated xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): I'm in a similar situation with a guy who wants me but also wants another girl he's recently been involved with. He says he wants us both - but the truth is he'll always pick one over the other & then you're left hurting.
I would either give him an ultimatum her or you - or just get out before the situation gets worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): He's lying. He's still got something going with his ex that is why you are not invited. And he prefers instead to spend it with her. Overreacting? God no. It's New Years! One of the major holidays in the year where you spend it with those you most love. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Now I am curious. If you two were dating, and he told you in September he'd slept with his ex behind your back, why did you stick around? Did that not bother you? I guarantee you he didn't tell you about that hoping it would "strengthen" your relationship with him. He told you about that to make you aware that he is not committed to you, he is still involved with his ex, probably hoping you'd take a hint and walk away. As he doesn't seem to have the balls to come right out and say that this relationship is not going anywhere. I know it hurts. But it's time to face reality. I just feel like you've had lots of signs pointing to his non chalance about you for a while now and yet you don't want to accept it. First the cheating with the ex. Now he tells you he is spending New Years with her and you can't come. This guy does not act like you are important to him. It sounds like this is old news. You should just accept it and move on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 You have a big issue here. You are in a no-strings friend-with-benefits deal with him. You're not in a relationship with him, and FWB's aren't "Working towards a relationship", especially if he's having sex with others while he's with you.
Your situation is a no-strings, meaning you're not his priority. You have feelings for him that he does not share. He's not over his ex. If they make up, you're going to be kicked to the curb because he's chosen her.
He's shown you conversations with her and you have trust issues? You're in the wrong type of relationship for a girl with trust issues. You need to push for a declared exclusive relationship. The kind where people don't go see exes.
Otherwise, you're wasting your time, and you're going to get even more hurt.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 i doubt it will wind up a fun night if ex's meet face to face on NYE when the booze is flowing, question really is if you trust him or not. Not to say he couldnt spend NYE with you if it means that much to you... does he know it means a lot to you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): Sorry but I would be thinking he would rather be with his friends and ex new years eve then spend it with me. So what if his ex is there its his ex why should he be bothered about what she thinks. But he obviously is for some reason. I personally wouldnt bother with him and his excuzes and if new years eve is no big deal to him which he said then why is he not spending it with you instead of his friends and ex when he knows it is a big deal to you.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (10 December 2014):
Can I just clarify something that isn't immediately clear from the title of your post?
Do you mean that your boyfriend has declined to spend New Year with you because his ex-girlfriend is going to be at the same place as you? The title question could certainly be interpreted that way and Janniepeg has given you a very good reply if that is the case.
Or did you mean that your boyfriend has declined to spend New Year and has decided that he will spend it with his friends instead which means that he will se his ex there?
That is how I read it. And, if that's the case I (personally) would seriously reconsider whether the guy was serious about me and whether he was truly over his ex. Unless New Year is a big family occasion for a guy, I would certainly expect to be included in his New Year plans after over 6 months of exclusive relationship. I don't think you're overreacting.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 I am one of those who would be uncomfortable to see any exes. So for me it's easy to relate to him. If he can't enjoy himself it won't be fun for you either. Without you there he can sort of avoid her but if you went there, then he has to worry what his ex thinks about you, who you are, did you know each other when they were still having sex, whether he broke up with her because of you, etc.
You are feeling what you are feeling. Overreacting would be like having an argument about it and telling him how wrong his decision is, which you didn't. You simply expressed your desire to have fun with him on New Year's. I understand you waited a lot and get impatient to be with him. You can only ask him not to get all drunk and wasted. Hopefully he can spend partial day to be with you. If you want something special you may have to wait till Valentine's Day.
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