A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I'm in a horrible situation and I would like some advice please. Me and my boyfriend of 5 years had a horrible year last year, I went through a stage where I didn't think the relationship was for me and broke his heart and walked away. After two months by myself I realised i was wrong and went back to him ready to change. He had started to move on but eventually we decided to give the relationship another go but I could tell his heart wasn't in it. 8 weeks in I found out he was having an affair with another women. It had been going on since we returned into a relationship. I was devastated, what I was more surprised about was that he was even more devastated than me. He had not cared for the 3 months we had spent working things out and the 8 weeks we had been exclusive but suddenly he cared when faced with me leaving?I found it really hard to make a decision. I new society would say that if somebody cheats they do not love you and you deserve better. I honestly believed (and still believe) that he was not ready to re-enter a relationship and that he did not realise how much he loved me. He offered to do everything in his power to make the relationship work and prove his love, and he has. There hasn't been a day when I've felt unloved and he has put all his effort into us. My boyfriend is a very private person and does not like to show others when he is vulnerable. However I overheard him crying to a male friend about how much he had messed up and his friend telling him that he hoped we could work it out. That also opened my eyes as that is not like my boyfriend at all and he didn't know I had arrived at his home to witness that, so that was not done to influence my decision.He has now committed in ways he has never committed to me in the whole five years of our relationship. He wants to discuss our future and comitt to future plans together. He makes the fact we are in a relationship very public, which he never did before. I do feel very loved and I feel like he has truly realised how much he loved me. He's matured a lot these past few months and weirdly I feel like I can and should trust him more than I have ever been able to. However this is my problem, the trust has gone. Whilst now he is very open about his whereabouts and he always is wherever he says he's going to be. There has never been a time where I haven't known what he was doing and who he was with. Yet I simply can't seem to get over his betrayal. I often dream that I see him with her, or that she's contacting me to tell me they are seeing each other again. I am paranoid at nights that he has snuck out to be with her or that they are contacting each other again. (This lady was 20 years older and very much new about me and the relationship. She seemed to get a thrill about sleeping with a man who had a girlfriend). I love this man to pieces and I don't see myself with anyone but him. We have grown up and matured together and have turned into very similar people. When we separated at my choice and we dated other people we both said how we compared them to each other. I ended it every person that I dated due to the fact that they simply were not like my boyfriend. He truly makes me happy and I get excited to see him, every single time that I do. We laugh and smile much more now and appreciate each other more than we ever have. I suddenly have all I've ever wanted from him but at what cost? I do in my gut believe that he loves me and that he did not realise quite how much. So why can't I move passed this? I seem to be stuck in a strange place between thinking I'm glad that he cheated as we have a much stronger and better relationship now, where on the other hand I wish it had never happened as my trust is ruined and I'm a very paranoid person now. Part of me fears that I find out he is cheating again but part of me almost feels relieved at the thought. As if he cheated again the relationship would certainly be finished and that decision on wether to stay or leave would be out of my hands. Does this ever get better? Can you ever forgive something like this? I can't express my love for this man so why am I still stuck in the past?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2014): While I understand how you feel and your reasons for feeling the way you feel, I also think you are being somewhat unreasonable. You broke up with him and suggested dating other people. He thought it was over. I don't think he moved on, he still loved you, he was certainly not inlove with this other woman, but he was heartbroken and trying to keep busy and move on. He didn't want to sit at home moping around. So he found a girl to spend time with to take his mind off of his heartache. That is a pretty normal consequence following a break up.
The reason he continued seeing her after you'd come back into the picture is for a couple of reasons. First off, he wasn't sure where he stood with you. Who's to say you wanted to get back with him and then a month later change your mind again and dump him again. He had a very high level of uncertainty in regards to how committed to him you really were. This is very understandable. Secondly, he may have felt a bit of resentment after the break up. Maybe he himself no longer trusted you like he used to. Perhaps you breaking up with him came out of left field. And he just didn't trust you quite the same, or concluded that your relationship wasn't as solid as he had thought. This in turn lead him to behave in ways that treated your relationship in a less dignified manner. Which resulted in him having this affair.
While I am not saying what he did is appropriate, I can see why he might have done what he did. And it makes sense given the circumstances and I don't think he ever intended to hurt you. Rather than point the finger at him you should make yourself more aware of the role you played in all this which was but a chain reaction of events that you initiated.
He's not the one who betrayed you. You betrayed him. He simply reacted in the best way he knew how in order to protect himself from you.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 December 2014):
 You are having doubts because you feel he only puts effort so you won't leave him again, so he won't have to re-experience the pain of another break up. He only realizes what love is when he loses it. It makes you question whether his love deep is and genuine.
You have to think back what gave you the decision to walk away the first time and what made you go back. Was it really love or attachment to him?
Trust was lost but it can be regained. You played a part in the trust issue too, believe it or not. When you broke up you assumed he was the way he was and he wouldn't change. You didn't talk over or discuss concerns. You just left. You didn't give him a chance to prove himself to you. Some people cheat for the thrill of it while others do it out of weakness and desperate attention. You can never guarantee the future but what you can do is remove his temptations to cheat by communicating better about your needs, and to encourage him to do the same. You can better forgive when you have the confidence that it won't happen again, whether it's cheating or breaking up. You have stuff to work on to build trust. Improvements won't happen overnight but gradual progress counts as you grow together.
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