A
female
age
36-40,
*hrissy86
writes:hi guys. so i've been dating this guy for nearly 4 years now,and he isn't most sweet/thoughtful/expressive/romantic guy around (i knew this before we got together). he apologises for not doing 'nice things' and tells me he appreciates that i've hung around for so long, and i know he loves me, but lately the feeling that we're just really good friends has been getting stronger. i feel he treats me more as a supportive partner (and by that i don't mean romantic partner) and appreciates the companionship more than anything else. he doesn't take the effort to treat me as a girlfriend, and i'm feeling tired of being the one giving and giving.i'm currently overseas, he's back home. i got disappointed/ annoyed when he went back on his word, and decided not to come up to where i am and visit. the reason he gave was that he was broke, and couldn't afford half the airfare. fair enough. next thing i knew he bought sth for $400, so he wasn't really broke after all. i found out later that there was another reason why he didn't want to come up and visit me - his family likes going for holidays together, but he hates going on them. he is sure that if he flies up to visit me, in future they'll corner him and ask why he can travel to visit his girlfriend but refuse to go on a holiday with thm. i can somewhat understand his logic i guess, but i'm more hurt by the fact that i'm not worth his own (selfish?) preferences, like he won't come up to see me cos it'll inconvenience him in the future. he doesn't know i'm upset about this reason he's given, and i don't know if i should bring it up. as it is, last night after i mentioned i was disappointed that he'd used his being broke as an excuse not to come visit, he emailed me to say he's sorry he doesn't do everything he should, and that he's lucky to have someone who's stood by him for so long.[when i'm rational i think this incident is samll, and that i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but it's just that there've been other instances whre he makes me feel i'm kjust not worth his time and effort]i haven't replied to his email because part of me wants to say it's OK, i know it's just not intrinsically you to be affectionate or romantic or just thoughtful, but another part of me wants to let him know that i'm tired of giving in this r/ship, and can he please be more caring? i'm not content in the r/ship, but i really love him. i don't know what good telling him how i feel will do - can someone change and be just more of something he's not? like be more caring? i don't know.it doesn't help that he'll be going to the states in a few months, the time difference is gonna make communication hell. anyway sorry i've been terribly longwinded. i guess what i really need advice about is whether i should leave him, because he doesn't exactly treat me as a girlfriend. or if u think i shd ask him to change (but then wht abt loving someone for who he/she IS?? ) but honestly that's the last thing i wanna do. :(thanks heaps Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Prophet7  +, writes (24 May 2009):
Talk to him about how you feel. He could be going through something that he hasn't told you. If he knows exactly how you feel he might do better at making you feel wanted and appreciated. A home is built off of love and comfort. Some people get a little too comfortable early in the relationship and it makes the other partner feel as if they don't care as much. Just talk to him about it before you decide to do anything. Hope my advice helps you. God Bless... Prophet7
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009): I think you should try talking to him about this. What you have explained in your question isn't silly or small at all. You are upset over that incident (and probably other similar incidences), and I don't think you should bottle it up and hide it from him. You feel like, in his opinion, you are not worth the effort, right? Maybe he doesn't realise that you feel this way. If you say nothing, you might start to feel worse, and even start to resent him for it.As for asking him to change...well, you aren't exactly asking him to change who he is, you would just appreciate it if he made more of an effort, that's all. Even if it isn't in his nature, I'm sure that the happiness it would bring you if he tried would encourage him to do more things to make you feel appreciated!If you do think it would be best to break up with him, try not to feel too bad about it. It's great if you can accept somebody for who they are, but it doesn't mean that you are going to be compatable with everyone. Maybe your personalities just don't fit together. There's nothing wrong with admitting that, if that is the case, and it doesn't mean that you don't accept that person as they are.Whatever you decide to do, good luck. x
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