A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There's this guy I work with and I've really grown to care about this guy. We don't see each other outside of work much, but we are around each other at work all the time. We started out as just friends, but lately I started noticing a different side of him. I feel like we talk about everything, and I feel really comfortable around him. I have a lot of male friends (not really close with many girls, too conflicting) but he's way different. I've noticed he tends to be flirt with me a lot as well. He has a girlfriend. But he always talks bad about her, and doesn't seem to be happy, but feels trapped in this relationship. Everyone at work has accused us of sleeping together, or having a secret relationship but in all honesty we haven't done anything but flirt (and sadly we flirt quite obviously, we've been threatened by other co-workers, saying they were going to speak with his girlfriend if we didn't stop) he doesn't seem to care, and still blatantly flirt, while I am afraid to get him in trouble with her, or our co-workers. We recently spent a lot of time outside of work together (with 2 other co-workers) and he was putting his arm around my waist and shoulders, and we would walk hand in hand pretty much and while I enjoyed spending genuine time with him, I knew it should have felt wrong. I feel like me and him would be great together. He seems to be perfect for me, like we were meant to be. Should I stop now, knowing he still has a girlfriend? Or should I try to pursue him more, knowing he isn't happy with her, and we really have something between us?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): Read all of this please, but you should set out parameters for the two of you and stick to them. Granted it sounds like neither of you are married, but if you want his respect, and you want to be able to trust him if you did form arelationship, you MUST make him understand that if this goes any further, this has to be mutually exclusive. Unless you don't care.It sounds like you want more of this person in your life, but "more" will always feel like "not enough" if you, one day, have to question what he does with his time when you aren't around. If he does this to his current girlfriend, he should respect her and let her go. If he encourages you this much without telling his girlfriend, then he doesn't respect you or her. If you don't want a broken heart, make him respect some guidelines until he has been free from this other relationship long enough to objectively decide he wants more with you. It sounds like he wants everything. Thant's always difficult for everyone in the end. IMHO.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Can i ask first, why you are attracted to someone who bad mouths their girlfriend, flirts behind her back and carries on this way with some work mate??Because if for some reason he was to leave her and date you, then whats to say he will do the same with you??As for what you do now. You are being the other woman who should know better. You KNOW he has a girlfriend so why not stop the flirting. It'd be different if it was just some harmless fun between you both, but the fact everyone else knows and have pointed it out many times, is saying that its gotten extreme.I'm not saying you are the blame in this! (the guy is). You are just a girl who has got wrapped up with a guy you get along with well and its turned into an attraction.But I would personally take a step back. Tell him you dont think it appropriate to continue how you have been - for workmates sake, but also his girlfriends. He may be enjoying the flirting but may also be happy wiht his girlfriend. If he realises then that he does like you more, he will end it wiht his girlfriend. No one is 'stuck' in a relationship, just some can be hard and messy to get out of so some people let them lag on too long. only this guy and his girlfriend know what is happening and whether theres a future. and who knows, maybe he is happy being in the relationship, enjoys bagging out the girlfriend and to him, you are just some harmless fun at work and he doesnt realise its gone too far and you like him more. Lots of factors so hope the answers help you work out what to do!!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 November 2011):
 I have had a "work husband" a guy i was close to, that I flirted with and joked with.. and everyone said we were having an affair... we made that part of our joke too.
we spent time together outside of work both with and without our spouses... it never went farther than friends and we never wanted it to be more than that... but the flirtation was fun... I even referred to him as my "work husband".... to my spouse....
we spend 40 hours a week with co-workers that's actually more time than with our partners, of course we get close to them. does not mean we date them, or attempt to steal them away from their lives outside of work...
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A
female
reader, mammaboo  +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Its giving him his cake and letting him eat it. Let him sort out his relationship leave him well alone.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Yes stop now, before you become his bit on the side and end up hurt.
He is doing the classic cheater/affair talk - they all feed lines to the other person (i.e. you) to keep them interested when in fact they are simply telling lies. ALL cheaters will say that they are not happy with their partners to the other person in order to make the other person think there is a chance for them to be together. After all, if he was saying 'I love my girlfriend so mcuh' yet still holding your hand and putting his arm around you, you would think he is a jerk wouldnt you?
Whereas if he goes on about how unhappy he is with her you will think there is a chance for you to be together, and that he isnt such a bad person for coming onto you because he has an excuse.
He is feeding you the lines you want to hear, and this is classic cheater behaviour. I am 99% certain he is happy with his girlfriend, he wont be planning on leaving her any time soon. He just wants to have his cake and eat it - i.e. the loving girlfriend back at home who is none the wiser, and then you for a bit of fun.
If you let this progress he will end up cheating on his girlfriend so you will be hurting her, and he will end up using you, making promises he cant keep. Eventually the girlfriend will find out, he will leave you in order to save their relationship, and you will be the one left alone.
If he really was that unhappy he would leave her, simple as that. Things cant be that bad if he stays with her, therefore he is not going to be available to be with you any time soon. Do you really want to be the other woman? Are you happy to let yourself be used by this man?
Back off from him, stop the flirting and only speak to him when it is about work and totally neccessary. You will be the one that ends up hurt here, so leave him alone.
If by some feat he does actually leave his girlfriend instead of moaning about her and comes to you and tells you he is single, then that is fine, by all means pursue him. But until that day leave him alone, he is in a relationship and that doesnt appear to be changing any time soon.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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