A
female
age
41-50,
*ntoniaLynn
writes:Back in December a guy I had met through friends asked me if I wanted to start a band, as he plays guitar and I sing and am learning guitar. It was just an acoustic thing to play locally. We started practicing a lot and became great friends, writing songs, we had the same group of friends so we were together a lot. Finally it got to the point where we were spending days on end together and not even realizing it (while obviously all of our friends did). He started doing cute little things like kissing me when we were out and holding my bad between bars. About two months ago he finally asked me "out". Nothing has changed, actually only gotten better, now the band is just another one of the great things we do together. We see each other every day, he usually stays at my place and I will stay with him once or twice a week. He asked to have his parents over to my house. He introduces me to all of his friends, doesn't deny that we are together, but keeps saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship...ok this confuses me because he ...keep in mind, its usually when he's drunk, he's not one for expressing himself...says that he thinks people are jealous of what we have and how great we are together, that we spend so much time together and hardly ever disagree. We have a couple of "couple" friends we go places with, like for a weekend, and are actually talking about going on a cruise in 6 months. He has a 9 month old little girl that he wants me there every time he gets her. Everything is really great...except...He's not affectionate to me at all. We have only ever had sex 2 times and we were both so drunk we barely remember. He lets me be affectionate to him, rub his shoulders, play with his hair, I'll give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye in the morning. But outside of that there is nothing anymore, not even the cute kisses and hand holding from a couple months ago. He has also made remarks that he doesn't care if he ever has sex again...weird thing to say i think. He says he loves that he can be himself with me, which I am really glad for. So you see...I am getting all these mixed signals and I just don't even know where to go. Do I just keep waiting it out for him to figure out whatever is going on in his head (is he scared?). or is this the way its gonna be?
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 You say you are both really good friends. If that IS the case then I suggest you have a talk with him. There could be many reasons why he isn't highly sexed. It could be he has erectile problems, he might be really shy or he might just be terrified in case you fall pregnant. He may be very insecure in other areas of his life and could even have been raped or abused as a child but whatever it is I would definitely say you need to ask him.
Eve
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (25 June 2007):
 He sounds very confused. If you haven't already done so, it's time to tell him how you feel. Perhaps in the past when he's been in a relationship, it has ended badly; too much need for control, jealousies, disagreements, or getting bored. So he may be avoiding the "R" word, but in fact, he is already in a relationship with you. He's spending an awful lot of time with you if he doesn't see you as gilfriend material. He's probably just scared. Plus he has a daughter to think about and doesn't need the drama some women bring into relationships. Speak frankly to him, but speak from the heart and be prepared to assume the role of "friend" if that is what he truly wants. He will then have to get used to seeing you with other men. Wonder how he'll feel about that? At any rate, things may develop between you later if you're patient and don't mind waiting for him to become more comfortable about the idea of being in a relationship with you. It could go either way. Good luck.
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