A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been living together for 6 months. He is on holiday at the moment but I am still working.He starts drinking at 11 am since on holiday, keeps going till 9 pm.When he's working he will only have a glass or 2 of wine in the evening.He has now run out of money and I'm going to be paying for everything else we need for the rest of the month.As he has never been on a longish leave before I had no idea of this behaviour before, but I'm definitely not happy.Should I accept that this is the way he wants to spend his holiday and he is entitled to his choice or should I confront him and how should I go about it?
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female
reader, bluecow +, writes (20 December 2011):
 eek!
I would stop paying for any further alcohol now!
I'm with cerberus... alcoholism is a dependancy on alcohol. I have no problem with people who partake in a glass of something of an evening, the problem is whether they NEED it. To me someone who cannot go a day without their fix (I dont care whether is a bottle of vodka or a pint of guinneas) is an alcoholic.
Now when all that is said and done, I'm not accusing or diagnosing your partner of alcoholism... however if he cannot go without then he has a serious problem. He is also solo drinking, which is a very worrying sign. Hey I will occasionally have a glass of wine and I'm a single parent but its not every night (its not even every week lol) to enjoy whilst I curl up watching a good film. What I am trying to say is that some solo drinking is absoloutly fine, but there is a line and he has crossed it. Someone who feels the need to begin drinking in the morning and to continue throughout the day until the night is in worrying state.
It seems he cannot be off work without drinking himself into obliteration each and every day.
His drinking is also having an effect on you. He has spent all his wages on alcohol and you are now having to suffer because of it. This is alcoholic behaviour. His drinking is so out of hand that he would rather go without food and a home than he would go without a drink.
As you are now having to support both of you throug hthe holidays I suggest you stop buying all alcohol, and stick to spending money on the necessities (food, cleaning etc).
As cerberus says, perhaps this is just an initial blow out from finishing work, but if this behaviour is ongoing, then I dont think anything you say will have any effect.
Personally if it was me... you wouldnt see me for dust. I would leave his sorry ass in his alcoholic mess.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2011): No you shouldn't accept it and no you shouldn't confront him. You're paying for everything so stop paying for alcohol.
Perhaps it's just a culture thing for him but personally I consider a person who drinks alcohol every day an alcoholic, even one or two "to unwind" after work to me is an unnecessary dependence and now he's just switched to full blown binging. Now before people come here and tell me they have one or two in the evening and it's not a bad thing, I understand some people find it acceptable yet if a person was to smoke one or two joints every evening they'd be classed as a stoner.
OP drinking so early means he's drinking alone and drinking alone is a problem no matter what anyone says. Alcohol should not be depended upon for relaxation, it's a social drink which should be drank in moderation with other people to enhance a social gathering.
Look this may just be boredom, perhaps the idea of having time off doesn't appeal to him to much and having nothing to do he's returning to old habits he had when he was single, or perhaps there are other things going on you don't know about stresses or anxieties that he's using alcohol to escape from. Whatever the reasons you do need to sit down and talk to him about it because this is not going to be a good holiday with an alcoholic binging all day. He's off work now so if he's the type that likes to be busy give him a list of things that need to repaired, painted or done around the house/apartment. Give him something to do during the day to keep him occupied and earn his drink in the evening.
If he feels that he's earned time off and this is how he is going to spend all his time, then you have to tell him you're not okay with that. I say give it another couple of days though. If he's just after finishing work this weekend then maybe he just wants to blow of a little steam before he calms down. if he doesn't then it's time to talk to him. He's not a bachelor any more and he can't just sit there all day getting drunk. It's xmas now and it's time for family friends, there will plenty of parties and opportunities to drink but drinking home alone and being unsociable is not how you want to spend your xmas.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 My advice will sound unnecessarily drastic to you but all I can say is : abandon ship. Now. You have seen the shape of things to come.
Sure you can confront him all you want. Ask him to change. Nag him, even. But I doubt you will accomplish much except creating mutual resentment. Why ? because a man that , all he can do with his free time , is drinking from 11am to 9pm, is too far gone for informal " talks ". Ditto for a guy that has not figured out yet that if he drinks his salary as if there's no tomorrow, oops, money is gonna end at some point and his loving partner has to pay for both. At the very least , very poor impulse control . But it sounds to me as if he can be a "functional alchoholist " or a binge drinker. Those people who trained themselves to "behave " if there's a job to be done, but the moment there isn't , the floodgates break down. Not a pretty sight, and not an easy habit to discard. Particularly if they don't WANT to discard it. Imagine if God forbid he'd lose his job. Brrr.
Of course I realize that my opinion is also shaped by social and cultural perceptions. For me and for where I live what your husband does is ,frankly, pretty horrifying and would make an outcast of him. I know that in other environments and places people are more relaxed about binge drinking and it 's like , well, if a fellow works hard all the time, there's nothing wrong if he wants to get cozy and enjoy a couple ( or a couple of dozens ) beers.
What can I say. For some people it IS wrong. Very wrong.
What about you ? How do you feel about it ? ( Not, what you THINK you should feel- what you really feel ). If it does not sit well with you, don't pretend you are OK with it. Try talking to him ( I doubt it will work,tbh ). Find out if he is particularly depressed or worried about something . Recommend counseling. And, if he ignores you or gets mad... again, abandon ship . Most of the times it's a lost cause.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (20 December 2011):
 If hes drinking up all his money and leaving you to foot the rest of the house hold bills thats a problem. I know folks who drink from sun up till sundown But they still have money for their responsibilities. Its probably not good that he drinks so much in the first place.
Does he have a brother or somebody you can enlist for help in this conversation... I dont know if hes the violent type or how he will act when you confront him. You certainly must say something. Youve only been married 6 months you cant possibly continue like this.
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