A
female
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anonymous
writes:so im with this great guy...problem is just(this is going to sound harsh)that he is not very intelligent. He is nice, sweet, caring, affectionate, tolerant and not jealous at all of my male friends. I am also very attracted to him physically.....but the fact that he fails to lead intellectually stimulating conversations with me is beginning to annoy me. Also, he has got it into his head that I am more attractive than him and never stops telling me that I am too "gorgeous" and that he never thought he'd be in with a chance ..All this was very flattering at first but i'm feeling insecure because of it now as I feel like i have to keep being "perfect" and that the day he realises that i have my faults like everyone else, he'll break my heart. I am going to uni in september after getting good grades whereas he lacks motivation and has failed all his subjects,he will be going to college..It may not seem like a big deal but i hate that we don't connect intellectually...other than that, we're perfect together...can I save this relationship?sandie, 18
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 Sandie, it may just be that the two of you are miles apart and are not well suited. You need to find someone who is on the same level as you in some respects at least because like Shania said, the relationship wont survie on looks alone. Lets face it, there is no real point in trying to save a failing realtionship. Maybe the two of you should just go your separte ways. All the best. xXx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2006): Let's be clear; you are not in the perfect relationship. Your lament about perceived discrepenancies in intellectual capacity is disingenuous. Furthermore, it shows that you are not listening to your instinct. Being smart in life means listening to your instincts and NOT your rationalizations.
Really listen to your gut and clear away the intellectual rationalizations AND the emotions while doing it; in particular silence the vanity that comes from being flattered. You will discover what you need to do by faithfully listening to your instinct. It is obvious to me what your instinct is telling you, but you need to figure this out for yourself.
You are just 18 years old and have a lifetime of relationships ahead of you, both platonic and romantic. Concentrate on the platonic ones - they are far more rewarding and enduring. Among your platonic relationships you may discover what I call kindred spirits. These are people that have a mutual sense of connection and, regardless of differences, find it so easy to be together and thoroughly enjoy each other's company. Among these kindred spirits could be a person with whom you can have the ultimate relationship. But to get there you must exercise a great deal of patience; it might be years before you find that ultimate relationship.
I am almost 40 years old and have had the great fortune of meeting several kindred spirits. There are less than 10 of these people, and over the years they have scattered throughout the world. Yet distance and differences do not diminish the strength of any of my relationships - they are the rock on which my life is built. One of my kindred spirits is 24, so as you can see age does not matter. One of my kindred spirits never finished college (I have a university degree) yet she is one of the sharpest people I know, so as you can see educational differences do not matter.
Good luck with your decision. I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 May 2006):
 You say that you want to be with him, but your level of disdain for his lack of achievement is clearly evident. It comes across as if you think you *should* want him, because he's nice and obviously worships you, but that, at a visceral level, you can't do it.
I don't think this will work, and not because he's not trying hard enough. The problem is that you've got a bit of a holier-than-thou attitude going (university should knock that out of you in short order, though), and that doesn't bode well for a successful relationship, regardless of how much you may think you want it. He "fails to lead intellectually stimulating conversations"? Like what? Maybe your idea of what's stimulating is his idea of a total yawn. That doesn't make him stupid, just not a good match for you.
You need to look right inside your own mind and decide what YOU want from a relationship. Is it intellectual conversation? Is it being adored like an idol? Is it fun and frivolity, or are you husband-hunting? All of the above are fine, as long as you're honest with yourself about your goals.
Now look at your Romeo with your goals in mind. How does he fit? If he doesn't meet with your highest priority in a boyfriend, then you might as well be honest and tell him right now that you're not interested. It's awfully unfair to let him carry on and dribble over your "gorgeous perfection" if you don't consider him with the same infatuation.
Be honest with yourself and your needs, then be kind to him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEddie, i didn't say there was anything WRONG with college, I merely stated that my boyfriend does not try hard enough, which even he admits to. And, i can assure you that I do not have an attitude problem I'm with him in the first place because i love him, I'd just like to have a better relationship with him. If I did have an attitude problem i wouldn't even glance in his direction. Please try to read questions properly because you might offend somebody some dayShania: thanks for the advice, i see what you mean but I really do want to give it another try because i really do want to be with him
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Irf he's not for you then he's not for you. Don't knock people who don't go to university though. Many university grads are waiting tables and washing cars. There is nothing wrong with college. You'll learn that when you become more mature and wiser. That comes with time. IS he really that stupid or do you have a bit of an attitude in that area?
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Well physical attraction wont keep a relationship together because after the honeymoon period is over and the lust fades (which it does) what is left after that? You have to have a connection here and if you find him irritating then it looks like you are going off him.To me he sounds a lovely fella but if you feel that you cant have a proper conversation with him then you know what you have got to do.
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