A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This story sounds minor but it pretty much sums up my relationship with my boyfriend of two years, who I love dearly and he wants me to move to Italy (where he is from)...So I bought two pairs of shoes, I work in a professional setting. The heels are two inches. He says he is uncomfortable with me wearing pointy, heeled shoes to work. So, I don't wear them. I buy these two pairs of shoes that I absolutely love and am excited to wear them to dinner with him this evening. He tells me not to wear the brightly colored ones while I am with him and to wear them on my own.This story sounds minor, and it is. But it's the tip of the iceberg. He calls my work phone to see if I am at my desk or around the office. He says he needs time (two years?) to trust me because he's been hurt before (I've been hurt too, but that hasn't kept me from loving again). If I miss a phone call he calls my coworkers and stays silent to see if he can hear my voice near them. Another time, I wanted to take a dancing class with him. I looked at the schedule for Thursday nights, the instructor happened to be a male with a different sounding name so I said it with an accent and my boyfriend said to forget the whole idea of a dance class at all (even alone, as I danced for 13 years when I was younger) because I apparently only wanted to do it in order to look at other men.Every day, I get home from work, I try to be excited to see him but I am too anxious - rightfully so. if my train is 5 minutes late, he accuses me of "some guy driving [me] home".Do men like this ever change? Have I given him enough time to trust me? What do I do?
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male
reader, sheperd  +, writes (8 July 2009):
Try having a very serious talk with him about these issues. Tell him exactly what you wrote here and let him know that it is ruining your relationship. People can change if they relize that thier actions are going to cause them to lose the thing they love. And dont let him put anymore alt.m on you such as I need two years, that is not something you can just put a time line on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I was in a very similar relationship for 3 years, all the things you mention happened with us. You don't realise till you get out of the relationship how much it was holding you back from life and changing you from the person you are to a shell. My ex wanted me to move to England with him. I realised I couldn't possibly, because I'd go completely crazy with my family so far away. At that point I also realised he'd somehow distanced me from my friends in the last 6 months or so. His behaviour will keep getting worse and honestly there is nothing you can do to change it. In the end I started to rebel, like meeting my friends and not replying to his texts for a few hours while I was out. He went completely nuts and got violent, which is what your boyfriend's controlling behaviour will eventually lead to if you let it. You've done nothing to make him not trust you, and him still saying it'll take time for him to trust after 2 years is too much. A relationship can't work without trust. Think about what it would be like for you in Italy - he'll be the only person you'd know so you'd be more isolated and controlled by him than you are now. Think about what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): Your guy is a control freak and insecure and will be jealous in the extreme. He will make your life hell by telling you what you can do, whom you can see and when you can go out. He will invent affairs for you that you have to deny and he will pin his friends or your male friends with having affairs with you. (His calling you at work to check up on your whereabouts are evidence of this malady already in effect in his psyche).
My dad is still like this at 77. He doesn't understand logic. He believes that all the affairs he credits my mom with are a fact. It is incredible. My mom has been a saint yet he has been unfaithful and they have separated.
Run away from this Italian. He will bear a life of misery for you.
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A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (8 July 2009):
 The very fact that you've had so many answers to your question shows that it is not at all 'minor'!
And I agree with the previous answers too. For your sake (and his, incidentally), you should, and no doubt will, find something better!
Sorry but the reality is there are guys who will treat you better than this out there -you deserve better,and it won't be easy but you should go for it for your own sanity!
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (7 July 2009):
 Sorry, but I don't think he will change, and sadly there's a good chance he will get worse. If you really like him you could try a (short) stint in Italy to see if he is more relaxed at home, but I doubt he will be. Sorry : (
And to be honest you shouldn't be having to cope with this nonsense. Life is too short, and there are a lot of very lovely men out there. Who aren't control freaks!
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A
female
reader, desesperada  +, writes (7 July 2009):
 No men like this do not change unless they go to therapy and even then it's a long shot. In my opinion, things will only get worse from here. If you move to Italy you are going to be cut off from close family and friends and if he starts to get even more controlling and making you fearful and axious you will have nowhere to go. I think it would be best for you to end this relationship, it sounds like he's turning into a stalker psycho and honestly I think HE IS THE ONE BEING UNFAITHFUL. I have been hurt before as well but like yourself I do not hold it against the next guy and he shouldn't be treating you as if you were the one that hurt him. Get out while you have the chance girl, don't wait until things get worse. Stories like yours never have happy endings.
good luck , keep me updated
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A
female
reader, Jess1ca_1988 +, writes (7 July 2009):
girl you need to geet out before it is too late. thats how my dad started out with my mom but the longer u stay with him and let him treat u that way the worse it will get. All guys are different but the pattern starts out about the same and by the time my mom left for good he beat her so bad that i wouldnt talk to him for years so be careful. If u feel like you love him too much to let him go talk to him and let him know that nobody deserves to be treated that way and he can either treat you like he wants to make you happy or he can move on
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2009): That's pretty over the top. Many abusive relationships start with serious control issues like this. This is NOT normal, at all. I'd talk with friends or family to figure out where to go from here.
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