A
female
age
41-50,
*lareh77
writes:10 Years ago I went out with this lad for 3 years, we had a very volatile relationship, we were always finishing, but was strange as we did really love each other and the sex was always great, 1 of the times we split up for 3 months a during that time I had a one nite stand "1st and only time I have done this", but I never told him when we did get back together, even though he had went out with someone for a while, during this time. But before I had this one nite stand my "boyfriend" did ask to get back but I said no, I had, had enough of the arguing, but after this one nite stand realised I did want him back, so we got back together. We taotally finished 6 years ago, I married someone else, had a son (got married for all the wrong reasons) my husband was safe, knew he would never hurt me, but never really loved him. So October last year called time with my husband, Me and my son moved out (totally dont regret having my son) thought in January get back intouch with the X as I have never gettin over him, funny enough, he had never gettin over me and he wasnt bothered I had been married or had my son was just over the moon I was back in his life, then I went and done the stupid thing and told him I had a one nite stand, one of the times we had split up, and he totally hit the roof calling me all the sluts, slags under the sun, which I am not. so once again we have been on and off for 7 months, one min, he is totally in love with me and the next minute he brings this one nite thing up and we are finished, I have tried to explain to him many times it meant nothing and I did regret it at the time, but he doesnt listen and is really angry about it, and when we fall out I always go running to him, I really love him and I know he really loves me, but I cant keep going through this and I dont know what to do, please advise asap.
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female
reader, h20gal  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Honey, I have been in that type of a relationship before. The sex was intense, when it was good, it was very good, and when the @#$%% hit the fan... Get out now dear, sooner or later, it will get worse. This guy is a jerk. Only by getting far away from him can you break the addiction and finally mature. Try being by yourself, learn to love your own company, to stand on your own two feet. Eventually, you will meet someone who can do the same.
A
female
reader, LynstHolin +, writes (13 July 2007):
Don't apologize or explain to him--you did nothing wrong. I'm sure he's had his own one-night stand(s), so he's just using the old sexist double standard on you.
It's obvious why your relationship is on-and-off--he's a jerk, pure and simple.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 well what i have got from reading this email is that you had a one night stand wen u were broken up and he was seeing someone else?he is being irrational and selfish - obviously his ego has been bruised. this happened such a long time ago and it sounds to me like you have matures but he still has to. you need to sit down and CALMLY talk through this and explain to him that you were in fact technically single wen this happened and he has no right to still fight with you about it as he also went out and was seeing someone. if he cant understand this then your relationship will never get out of this rut and you should think about opening up to someone who is a bit more emotionally mature.
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A
female
reader, LauraE +, writes (13 July 2007):
If it happened like you say it did, then he isn’t being rational about this. The way I read your email, you had finished with each other at the time, and he also saw someone else. I think he has had a gut reaction to this which he may know quite well is not fair on you, but he can’t help it.
Is it because it was a one night stand rather than a relationship? Or is it because you got involved with someone else, whatever the circumstances? Neither reason is a justification, but it might affect how you can handle it. What I mean is maybe he thinks all women who have one night stands are sluts. Or maybe it’s because he feels like you were unfaithful to him, even though you weren’t.
The only thing that I can suggest is to ask him to explain calmly to you exactly why he feels like this. If he says it’s obvious, say it isn’t obvious to you because you weren’t together at the time and you have said that you regret it. You need to hear it from him. Don’t mention his other relationship, because it will just descend into a slanging match. You need to give him a chance to get whatever his problem is off his chest without wanting to interject and defend yourself, hard though that will be.
I am hoping that if he can talk about it calmly, and have you listen to him without arguing back, that he will come to realise that he has over reacted. If it’s the one-night-stand = slut theory that is right, then all you can say (when he has finished), is to repeat that you did it once in your life, you regret it and there is no more that you can say. Then it’s up to him to decide whether he can deal with it.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Very volatile relaionship...we were always finishing...I had enough of the arguing...AND....drum roll....GOT MARRIED FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.......
This begs the question, if you're so wise and in tune with all the troubles of the past, what are you doing jumping back into the fire with your old flame? Your relationship was terrible then, followed by marriage to a guy who was "safe". Now you want to go back to where the trouble began. And, he's trying to punish you for something you did 7 years ago, that you were within your rights to do. What do you like about him?
You've answered your own question by writing this question. The alarm bells are ringing and you instinct is telling you to run. Something is pulling you back though. I'd say the problem is yours, nobody else's. If someone keeps putting themselves in terrible situations, they need to deal with themselves before they try to fix others.
This is important and not what you'll want to hear. If your ex husband is stable and safe, as you indicate, he should raise your child. You are not making good choices and I fear the influence on your child will be harmful. As a decent mother, you should give your husband the child. Safe and stable is where children should be, not hearing mom fight with the jealous guy.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Ok so what you done was wrong , but you came clean about it and said you were sorry and that it would not happen again.
If he can not get over this there is absolutly no chance of your relationship working at all.
Sometimes we make mistakes and we all do it, but everyone is entitled to a second chance and just because you have done it once it does not mean you will do it again.
I don't say this because i have cheated, i say it because my husband cheated on me and i accept his apology and his promise never to do it again, i know if i could not forgive and forget there would be no point in us getting back together which we have done.
Tell him you know you made a mistake which you are sorry for but that you can not keep being punished for it and if he can not get over it and leave it in the past then there is no hope of you being together again.
Take care.xx.
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