A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend broke up with me. we have had on going arguments about he and his ex girlfriend calling each other and him hiding it from me. he claims it was not to upset me. last time we broke up over this and made up he promised to tell her to stop calling as it was interfering in his current relationship. She remains in touch with his kids, which is fine but he and she always seem to find excuses to call each other. I have expressed over and over how uncomfortable it makes me and the fact that he lies about her calling or him returning his calls makes it look bad. he wont' take a call from her in front of me but claims its innocent. I've been checking his cell phone and they are still in contact but last week when I asked he lied right to my face. He then ended it because of my lack of trust and because he thought me checking was an invastion of privacy. He asked me to marry him already so I felt I had the right, before marraige, to find out if I'm being deceived. He said it wasn;t her number so I called it, identified myself and he was furious I called and thought it was along the lines of stalking. I called it to ease my mind as he tried to convince me it was either a wrong number or he didnt' recognized it. Is it me? Am I in the wrong? Or is he being disrepectful of my feelings and wishes as this is our only problem. I'm feeling like she doesn't even know we're together othewise she is also being disrespectful. I feel he's being lyig and being sneaky and he claims its to avoid a fight. He deleted her name from his cell thinking I wouldn't recognize the number but I did and he also viewed that as irratic behavior. I need advise.
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broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, stalking Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Hi anonymous
There was an important bit of information from your story missing and that was the nature of their relationship. People may presume that he is "cheating" but perhaps it is more of a friendship that they also keep for their children. People don't always lie because they are deceitful by nature or are set out to manipulate you or control you, they do it for peace and quiet from an overly paranoid partner. I'm not justifying his behaviour, but reading your message I can understand why he would choose to keep it a secret rather than try and get you to understand that he wants to stay in contact with her.
It sounds though he did the right thing to end things for you both. He wanted to stay in contact with his ex and the mother of his children and you didn't want him to, it's a straight forward disagreement in something you were not prepared to able to compromise on.
It sounds like you need someone who hasn't got such a close connection to their ex and he needs someone who has less of a problem with their history.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): Rammsteinfan is so right! Why the hell do you want him in your life?????
You deserve so much better than that. He will bring you misery forever. He plays mind games and does your head in now, what will he be like if you marry him? He turns things around to make it look like you are stalking! Get rid of him from your life and mind for good now, while you are still SANE!!!!!
TAKE CARE
xx
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (30 April 2007):
 You have all the right to know if your bf is keeping in touch with his ex-gf! I know what you are going through because I was in the same situation as what you are going through right now!
I had trust for my bf at the time....that was until his ex started calling all the time! When the calls from his ex stopped for awhile, another woman started calling and calling to the point I thought was stalking!!! More and more phone calls from other women started escalating, that I almost broke the phone! I was jelous, and for a perfectly good reason; I found out that he was cheating on me with these women....so I left him!! Thank God!!!
Since he asked you to marry him, you had every right to find out if he is still keeping in touch with the ex. That is not fair to you!!
You mentioned kids....Do they have any together or are the kids from an earlier relationship?
The only one who is getting disrespected is YOU! And the ex gf should NOT keep in touch at all!! And the same goes for your bf as well!
Erratic behavior my ass! That is normal behavior for anyone who fears an ex is intruding on their relationship and their happiness! He ended because your lack of trust...he LIED to you time after time! How can you give him your trust? HE HAS TO EARN YOUR TRUST since he can't tell the truth and being sneaky about it!! On your part you have done nothing wrong...and don't ever think that you did!!!
Do you really want this man back in your life? For all you know, he could be cheating on you behind your back with his ex...That is what I would think since he keeps in constant contact with her and the way by the way he reacts when you seek the truth!! Because there are much better Men out there that will treat you with the respect and love that you truly deserve!
I would kick his ass to the curb with the rest of the trash!!
Good Luck my friend and please let us know how everything turns out for you!!
God Bless you!!!!
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A
female
reader, NJmomabear +, writes (30 April 2007):
 He is the one with irratic behavior. Trying to turn the tables to put the focus back on you is his way of 'mind screwing' you out of WHY your 'stalking' to begin with. It's called reverse psychology and don't let him trip you with it. If he can't let her go, you've got to let him go before you get hurt even more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2007): wow, girl if he is lyign about talking to her when you know he is sorry to say this but it dont look innocent. I mean there has to be a reason that he is lying about it. And id he truly loves you then he would not have to talk to his ex, and if it was innnocent then he could have told you it was her. And on top of that you have had problems with these before and broke up over it so what makes you think he is going to start tell you the truth now. What else is he lying about? ask your self that question. If someone wants to marry you then they have to have trust in one other and thats doesn't sound like you do
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