A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. Before that he was in a long relationship(9years)with a woman who has got 2 daughters (16and 19years old);they have never been married, lived together just for a wee while as children were driving him mad,he said. I and my boyfriend argue a lot as he claims he wants to remain friends with her(as they do being constantky in touch) and feels like a 'father' to her daughters. This looks to me like my boyfriend is dragging his previous relationship into our one.We can't move on, we argue over it all the time, he does not realise that it is hurting me a lot as to me this should be a 'closed chapter' of his life. I could have understood if this was his ex-wife and his children, but she is his ex-girlfriend and they are not his kids. Is this normal or am i abnormal?
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female
reader, Tasmanian devil +, writes (27 March 2010):
 He spent 9 years with the woman and her children, watching them grow up and etc. So obviously he's going to have an attachment to the kids and them to him. If you've been together for over a year you should realise he's into you and not their mother. He's not the one dragging his previous relationship into his new 1, but you kinda are-you have to come to terms with the fact there apart of his life, don't make him chose, you might regret it. Just try to explain to him your standing, ask him to step into your shoes, this way maybe you can talk about it without it turning it an argument.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): i understand 100% where you are coming from and wouldn't be happy with this either. I could understand as you say had they been married and they were 'their' children but I cannot imagine any woman liking what you are going through.I have been in very similar situations where my husband is to my mind in contact with the ex too often and seems to feel it is his duty to help her and her children financially. I can only say that once you have made your point and do make your point very clear - ie that you are not happy with this contact, leave the subject alone. The more you whine about it the more he will keep in contact and remain involved with her kids. I don't know why this is but from my personal experience it is true. when I underwent this it hurt me greatly and I used to go on and on about this and how he was putting them before me etc etc and all it did was turn him against me. I have found that people in general will only do what they want to do and you can ask them, plead with them and beg them to see things from your side but it will make no difference unless it is how they feel and what they want to do. I would think very carefully if you can put up with this because it doesn't appear that the contact is going to stop. It takes a very strong woman to cope with this on a daily basis so think carefully if you can deal with this. You may be lucky because as the children are older it is not likely to go for too much longer as they will soon be independent. Also think carefully if he is hanging on to them and her and using excuses to maintain some form of contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Yes I agree with you, he is dragging his past relationship into yours. I would feel exactly the same. When you're in a relationship with a man, you need to feel that you're the only one, and that he isn't carrying old connections too far. I would say fine if they emailed each other one or twice a year, no problem, but anymore than that would be too much for me. I'm presuming the children have their own father? If he wanted to keep in occasional email contact with the children, that would be fine too, as they may have formed a bond and it would be cruel to deny the children any kind of continued relationship with someone who may have been close to them. However, he should be concentrating on YOU now, and I would be watching closely to make sure the communication with the ex tapers off. You are definitely not abnormal, I'd be feeling the same, and hoping that he put all his attention into the current relationship. If he can't do that, I would be questioning his committment to you and your relationship.Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
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