A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Gaaaaaaaaah!I'm going quite mad here, so someone PLEAASE help before I go do a Britney!Right then, the basics; I'm twenty six (ignore the age bracket, I clicked the wrong thing when I signed up, how clever am I??) and I'm an archaeologist, which finds me travelling all over (mostly north Africa, Australia and Central/South America) so I'm not in one place for a long period of time. And there's this guy I've known since I was about thirteen, and I'm not sure, but I think I'm in love with him. And I'm not the lovey-dovey type person. He's got the same job as me and we're frequently sent on the same jobs together, but we're still apart from each other from ages.I got really close to him when I was seventeen, but then he went to university (hes a year older) and I didnt see him for six years, which is when I was randomly assigned as his partner on a dig! I was so surprised and practically fell over myself in joy when I saw him. We were in the Caribbean at the time and we went out, had a couple of drinks and then slept together *sighs happily*Problem is, the fairytale ended about a year later when we barely saw each other after we were separated as partners. I was distraught as hell and discovered heaven to help me through the tough times(Ben and Jerry's :P) and I'm now at the end of my tether after I found out that he's engaged *weeps uncontrolably*. The thing is, that SHE proposed to HIM and also . . . ah, I'm not proud of this, but we (miraculously) found ourselves on another dig together which lasted about six weeks and well . . . we got together again, and it was like we were a couple. Please dont judge me too harshly; he's fit as fit can be (not a great excuse I know) and the kindest person I've ever met.We talked to each other once the dig ended and we agreed that this had to stop. But he said to me that he didn't love his fiancee and that he had loved me ever since that first dig, but he had to go back to her since both their families were counting on each other.To add insult to injury, I've been invited to the wedding by his parents and his bride likes me (i think :/ ) but is constantly patrinising me and rubbing in the fact that I'm single. The two of them are constantly at each other's throats, and last night, he said to me that he was hoping that we could be together in private and I said no because it wasnt fair on any of the three of us.I am practically breaking inside (no literally, my heart actually HURTS) and have no idea what to do. I don't want to pressure him to leave her, but it appears that there's no need since he spoke to me this morning, telling me that I was the one he wanted to be with and he was going to leave her tomorrow. He also told me to meet him at midnight because he wanted to 'ask me something'. And a friend saw him in a jewrly shop looking at . . . engagement rings.Now, the answer to all this may seem pretty simple; get with him and stay with him. But for some reason, im totally confused! I . . .think I love him but I dont want to upset a whole load of applecarts. My best mate said, "Do what YOU want to do for a change," but I'm not sure. I WANT to go with him but . . . something's holding me back.Please, someone help!Sorry for the long post, but I thought you needed to whole story to get the idea of things.Thank you for reading my insame babbling rambling!!xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 December 2009):
 Right, after having a couple of messages about this question, for the record, I didn't post this! :)
Dear Poster
Just a quick hello to a fellow archaeologist!
Firstly, never do a Britney... no hair whilst digging only leads to bad sunburn in places you wouldnt want to have it...
I can sympathise with you, as I have been in a similar situation(altho no other woman involved), however, you really need to get a grip on reality.
IF this guy really loves you as much as he says he does, then he will leave his fiance. Until that point, you need to back off.
At the moment, he is attached, taken, off the market and preparing to marry this woman. She probably has no idea that her beloved is having an emotional/physical affair with someone else and would no doubt be very very hurt if she found out. As it stands you are his mistress, and 99% of men dont leave their wives for their mistress.
You need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him how you feel (I need to take my own advice on that), and then back off. He has to make a decision, sooner rather than later, because someone is going to get hurt. Either you or her.
I know you want to think he was looking at engagment rings, but me may have been looking at wedding rings...especially if they have sent out invites to the wedding already.
If you really love this guy, tell him, but make it plain you are not going to be his bit on the side. If he loves you as much as he says he does, then he will leave her. But do not continue your relationship until he does.
Tiger x
A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (5 December 2009):
I think it's okay to hear him out on whatever he has to say, but I think any sort of relationship between you two can only happen AFTER he has left the fiance he supposidly doesn't love or want to marry. I agree, don't allow yourself to be his spare. Maybe he really is with the wrong girl and does love you, but actions speak louder than words. And until after he shows you that he wants to leave her and be with you is when you should be confused and have a decision to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This guy is engaged, but seeing you (or at least trying too) at the same time. He doesn't have respect for you or his girlfriend. The most smart thing for you to do is leave him, but as we all know in most cases, women (and men) make choices based on feelings. I can tell you this: when it's all said and done, you will not be a happy camper that's for certain if you decide to continue associating with this guy and end up falling hard for him. Get out now while you can----if you stay you will pay a hefty price emotionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): Ok... sorry, this is going to be really harsh, but... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? Sweetheart, GROW UP. You're going to go "pull a Britney" - wtf??!
If this man wanted to leave his fiance, he would have left her ages ago. If he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you - not her. You are going to be involved in splitting up him and his fiance and you're NOT SURE you love him? You want him to break up with his fiance and propose to you just days later and - sorry to bring this up again here - you're NOT SURE IF YOU LOVE HIM??! Let me tell you why this is all so confusing - you don't love him, neither does he love you. You both had sex and can't get over it. That's IT.
You say you're 26, but it looks like the age bracket you chose is very appropriate. Get over yourself and get over him and his B.S.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 December 2009):
Hm. He's so kind and fit that he cheated on his fiancée with you. You're a smart girl, so don't fall at the last hurdle here. This is very simple. Unless he splits with her, finishes it ALL, meaning comes to you having broke all contact and the engagement, then he's using you. And I actually do think he's using you to be honest. Do not allow yourself to be used. You're intelligent, so see through his talk and watch his actions. He hasn't split from her, which means he wants to marry her and keep you as a spare.
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