A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for 8 years, 2 children and a wedding booked when I found out he was having an affair with a woman he worked with. We split up but stayed amicable for our children.3 years down the line and I went through some serious trauma losing my parents 6 months apart and he was my rock through it all. We slowly started talking about getting back together and giving things another try which initially went well but now I’m having serious doubts.He’s very very dependant on me to the point of being controlling. For example I had a day off work last week and a friend called me to ask if I wanted to meet up so I went with her for lunch. He FaceTimed me when I was there and went mad that I hadn’t told him about it that morning - even though it hadn’t been arranged when I’d spoken to him. He calls me maybe 8-10 times a day for a chat and texts me probably 30 - 40 times a day. I think it’s too much. He says when you’re in love with someone like he is with me then it’s normal and it’s me that’s ‘weird’ for not wanting to speak to him so often. I feel suffocated. He constantly checks up on where I am and who I’m with - which is either at work or at home with the children more often than not. He demands pictures from me to prove I’m where I say I am.Aside from this he is a wonderful man - really handsome, brilliantly funny, he has the biggest heart and would genuinely do anything for anyone, yet he is so controlling. He was never like this before and I feel like if he cant trust me (baring in mind it was him who had the affair previously) then we can’t make a go of it.Can people like this change or am I better off getting out of it now? I will never find good qualities in a man like he has to offer, but my fear is that this behaviour is far outweighing the good.
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 January 2024):
 Can people like this change?. I would go along the lines of no.
You will never find the qualities in a man like he has to offer?. Well i totally don't agree with you there because you most certainly will find someone with good qualities, and probably less toxic too.
I don't think you should of taken him back after he cheated the first time around, i think once a cheater always a cheater and he seriously betrayed your trust. And i believe that trust is the most important thing that holds a relationship together.
I can only offer you advice here, but my advice would be to recognise that he is displaying some very worrying red flags and i would consider leaving this relationship and enjoy some me time for a bit before finding someone else.
I just feel that if you stay i don't envisage a happy future because i think he will end up bringing you down.
I think you should gather your courage and end things and save yourself from future hearache.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2024): "I will never find good qualities in a man like he has to offer..." - that's your fear talking and the core belief that you don't deserve better, not that he's the best you can do, but that he's waaaay out of league.
"...but my fear is that this behavior is far outweighing the good." - this is not fear, that's reason talking! You've been there, done that. He has shown you that he hadn't changed! Everything else is your wishful thinking, instead of seeing what's there in front of you.
I firmly believe that if we believe in a free society, we deserve the people we stay with. Maybe the first time you really didn't know, but now? It will all be your responsibility, and when he goes off and does something horrible again (and again) he will tell you that you knew what you were getting yourself into.
And, honestly, you're showing your kids that they can act horribly without consequences and that if they find themselves putting up with something unacceptable, that they should continue to do so.
There's also the possibility that no matter what kind of a choice they make, they will despise you for being weak.
I'm in your age range. So I'm writing this fully aware of how our society treats women our age. So, I'm not a girl dreaming about the world as it should be. World is what you make it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2024):
 "I will never find good qualities in a man like he has to offer"??????? Seriously? You really need to take off your rose-coloured spectacles when looking at this individual. He is a cheater (if he's done it once, he is capable of doing it again) and he is controlling. This behaviour will almost certainly get WORSE, not better, and he will eventually start to be abusive mentally, emotionally and physically.
Why are you tolerating this behaviour? Has he convinced you that you can't do better than him? Has he convinced you that you are not worth better? His good looks will fade with time but his abusive behaviour will only get worse. Do you perhaps feel flattered because such a "handsome" man wants you so badly?
What about your children? If they are girls, do you want them to grow up thinking being treated in this way is normal and allowing future partners to treat them the same way? If they are boys, do you want them growing up thinking this is the correct way to treat their future partners? If not for your own sake, then for the sake of the children, you need to call an end to this madness.
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A
female
reader, All That Glitters  +, writes (27 January 2024):
 What you are going through is exhausting and no, it's not a normal part of a healthy relationship.
I briefly dated a man like this and no, he never changed because he never wanted to.
You shouldn't have to provide proof as to where you are or what you are doing. An honest, trusting and open relationship doesn't require such things.
Why do you think you will never find anyone like him? Handsome: looks fade.
Funny: most people can be if you give them the chance.
Biggest heart: is it big enough for him to change his ways...ways that are hurting you and causing you emotional distress?
I cannot tell you to stay or go; ultimately, that is up to you. Mentally/emotionally you cannot keep this up. If you choose to stay in this relationship you will need to be strong enough to set boundaries and ultimatums and stick with them!
Your mind is the only thing telling you that you won't find better, there is simply no truth to it. And really, take your hardest/darkest moments with him, is it really worse than being single? The best state to be in, is in the one that brings you peace of mind and contentment.
Whatever you decide, I wish you happiness and all the best!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 January 2024):
 Don't marry him until this is either sorted out or never.
That isn't healthy behavior. While I do think it's important to let your partner know that you have made plans, this is just too much.
Facetiming you because you made plans with a friend for lunch? Why? So he could check up on you and see that you were telling the truth?
My guess is because he WAS a cheater in the past, he PRESUMES everyone will cheat eventually (including you). Plus, he sees YOU as HIS possession, not an equal partner.
Can people like this change? I doubt it.
You write:" He demands pictures from me to prove I’m where I say I am."
And do you comply? If so, WHY?
Personally, I would be SO insulted to be treated this way.
Do you think this is somehow magically stop? Because I don't.
It's unhealthy and utterly toxic.
Have you told him, I don't OWE you a picture of my whereabouts?
Or that if he can not/will not trust you, there is no future here?
HE DOESN'T TRUST you! Why? Because HE isn't TRUSTWORTHY!
I'd can't see a healthy relationship with this guy. SCREW that he is "really handsome"!
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