A
female
age
41-50,
*italee
writes:Since the beggining he messed up. Stood me up, would make plans and ended up getting drunk, getting drunk all time,even once when we argued and i left,he spent the night with hes ex (but this happened in the first week we met, not a relationship yet).Anyway, as time passed by, i got his trust, and he started to treat me really nicely, callig me everyday (sometimes 3 times a day), send loving texts, meeting me everynight, just the sweetest thing. Until first time i got so mad with hes drinking issue, and i was really dramatic and ended w him(you have no idea how dificult its to deal w a alcooholic). We came back 2gether the other day, and evrything was fine. After he screwing up a lot w me (unreliable,being late, evrytime envolving alcohol), i ended w him 3 times again,and got back 2gether. Everytime he realizes hes wrong,but does nothing 2 change. The last time it happened (2 weeks ago), he completely changed w me, doesnt call me, he sends me mechanical texts, he blanks me for days, then text me like nothing is wrong. 3 times he texted me saying he was gonna call later, and never does. i mean what the hell? I confronted him w a text saying he just need to say whatever is happening that i wouldnt make a drama oout of it. He finally replied saying hes sorry for the way hes acting, hes just depressed, cant seem to think straight, is directioless, but he loves me very much, and doesnt want to give up on this. Then things kind of got back to normal for 2 days. Than 2day, he, again, texted me saying hed call me tonight and... nothing. really, i dont know what to do, i love him to death, but im lost. I get he's got some issues, he was abandoned by his dad at his birth (which still gets into him a lot), never met him, and his stepfather kicked him out when he was 13, and his mom did nothing. But it seems the more i try to reach out for him, the more he gets distant.... please someone help me!!
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female
reader, ninetoes  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 good for you!!! That is a really tough thing to do, and drifting away long distance is a great way to do it. Stay strong, and enjoy life! There's so many wonderful people out there to live for!
Good luck with it all 3
A
female
reader, ritalee +, writes (11 November 2009):
ritalee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot for the advices. I guess i knew all along that’s what I’ve gotta do, but i needed to read this. I really appreciate it.
Just some things that i wanna add:
I kind of already left him 5 months ago. I got an oversea job proposal which would be really good 4 my career. I thought that as I’m not able to break up with him being around, it would be great for me to get over him when away so i accepted it. I made it very clear that I love him & did everything I could to improve our relationship but i was leaving cause he was not giving me any reason to stay. But we kept a long distance relationship, & I thought it’d fade away, but it didn’t, I still love him as much as I did before.
I could come back or renew the contract, & as he didn’t improve at all, i renewed it. He blames me all the time, saying that i had just given up on us, now he’s even more insecure... but i mean, it takes 2 to make a relationship...& I’m doing it all by myself!
I know people don’t get why i like him so much, but since the first time i saw him, didn’t even know his name, i thought "omg, that’s it!" & it has never happened 2 me before....maybe it’s a biological response, pheromones, I don’t know…
My sister knew him for a long time, and never ever thought id get interested in him. Even he asks me all the time why have i ever got any interest on him, he keep saying im gonna leave him. I guess he’s got such a low self esteem, he doesn’t believe in himself, he thinks he’s such a looser that he makes everybody else think the same. I think quite the opposite, he’s great, handsome, smart, has the purest heart I’ve ever seen, he’s not a hypocrite, pedant, shallow, nor fake, and that’s what counts for me.
Anyway, he says I’m gonna leave him, but its not like he is giving me any other choice, is it? Even he already gave up on himeself. I’m letting him go, I can’t deal with it any longer. He knows he can count on me, so if he ever grows up he knows how to find me!
Thanks a lot!!!
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A
female
reader, ninetoes +, writes (11 November 2009):
oh gosh, it looks like you have "I have to save him" syndrome. I think the hardest thing to learn when you're thinking this way, is that you can't change anyone but yourself!!!People only treat you how you let them treat you. You taking him back over and over is only telling him that the way he treated you before is acceptable. The only answer is to LET HIM GO!!! STOP doing this to yourself! I know how much in the large list of answers you are going to get, you are going to hate my answer, but I'm telling you, this is reality! If you tell him it's over, and you are through, GUARANTEED he will tell you he's going to change, everything will be different, he'll never do it again, he's sooooo sorry...I'm sure you've heard it all. But he has ALREADY proven to you that he will NOT CHANGE!!! Wake up, if he was going to change he'd have done it already! It is not up to you to save him, and be understanding. You know why? Because, "Who we are is defined by what happened to us in our past. But it is US who controls what happens to us now." That means, his EMOTIONAL response happens because of his troubled past. But that does NOT mean that he can't control his own actions NOW.You deserve to be treated better. Stop wasting your time by trying to be "understanding" of a man who is clearly not going to change for you. He has a CHOICE to treat you well, and he isn't walking that path!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): i've been in multiple relationships like this in the last few years so i'm not going to just tell you to leave him, because i know how hard that is. but here's what i learned and what you should remember: nothing YOU do is ever going to fix him. you can't change his past or even help his future until HE is ready to change. it seems like this guy isn't ready or willing to change at all. and until he is, your relationship will continue to be this rollercoaster filled with unneeded stress on your part. i wish you the best
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A
female
reader, Lexie88  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 You need some sense. Why do you want this man? I don't get it.
You get one life and one shot at it. If you want to be happy as I think you deserve to be you need to leave this man and look for that happiness elsewhere, you will never get it from him.
If you want to spend your time trying to fix a man who seems messed up then you're welcome to do that.
If someone did to me what he did to you in the beginning I would not have continued. What is the point? Things won't get better.
You need to believe in yourself enough and have enough self-respect and self-worth to be able to leave this man. Nothing any of us tell you will help you unless you believe that you are worth more than this. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who knows how valuable you are. You are wasting precious time with this man.
You seem to be attached to him. You don't need to be...let go, heal and find someone who will be good for you.
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