A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we met when we started university. All through these years I've been looking forward to graduating, getting a flat together and settling down. Now I'm coming to the end of my degree and I'm panicking because everything I thought I knew about myself seems to have changed.All I've ever really truly wanted in life is a family. I always said my ideal age for my first child was 30. Now I'm nearly 26 and 30 suddenly feels way too close. I'm starting to feel trapped. I love my boyfriend, but I want more time to be alone. I want to experience just being myself again and being independent, instead of constantly a part of a couple. And sometimes I just want to sleep with other people. Especially girls, as I'm bisexual and haven't had much experience with girls. I don't want to go all my life wondering what that's like. My boyfriend is fine with me kissing some of my female friends when we're drunk, though I don't do anything beyond that.I've recently suggested an open relationship, not only for my benefit but because I'm the only person my boyfriend has ever slept with. We started out as friends with benefits, but feelings came into it and we ended up together. Now I feel like if he chooses to stay with me, he'll eventually wish he had more experience. I've read about polyamorous people, and I feel like maybe that's a more fitting relationship model for me than strict monogamy: he's a wonderful person and I'd like to share him, and I'd like to be shared, and I'd like that to happen with agreement on all sides. If we're going to get married some day, I want both of us to go into that with all our wild oats sown, so to speak. My boyfriend is quite traditional and while he hasn't shut down the idea of being open, he doesn't exactly get it either.He says I'm having a quarter-life crisis. Is that what's going on? Right now if I stay with him I could have the family and life I always wanted, but I don't know if I want it any more - or at least not for some time. Could an open relationship let us explore more before settling properly when we're ready for the next stage? I don't want to lose him, and I don't want to hold him back from experiencing life, and I don't want to be trapped. It's all really distressing and I don't know what to think.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 March 2019):
 Your views are not wrong, and if it is something you want to try then great. However it is clear from your post that this is not the case with your boyfriend. He doesn't care if he hasn't slept around he wants to be with you and only you. You are the one that wants more so you need to decide what is more important, him or exploring your bisexual side and having more freedom. Off course it would work if he wanted an open relationship as well but he doesn't and if he agrees just to keep you happy then he will end up resenting you down the line and you will never work. You need to decide if you want to still be with him or go your separate ways, you cannot have it all ways.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 March 2019):
 I have to agree with what others have said.
If he’s perfect then why are you here wondering what to do? You wouldn’t be having these doubts if you knew he was the man you’re going to marry and have kids with.
Your view isn’t wrong, just like your BFs isn’t either. You’re right in saying that relationships CAN be more flexible, but yours CANNOT. Your BF has clearly defined his boundary and you’re still wanting to explore your sexuality more and your partner isn’t.
Don’t just stay together because you will have a comfortable life. Think long and hard whether you truly are ready to settle down. Your BF deserves full commitment, not someone who’s having doubts.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2019): "So why stay with him then if that is how you feel?"
Because AFTER that period of fun, I think I would be ready to settle with him. And I would feel more confident in his choice of being with me if he still wanted to choose me AFTER seeing what else is out there. Right now he thinks I'm The One or whatever, but how on earth is he really supposed to know that?
If experimenting meant he eventually chose not be with me after all, then that would be okay too, because that means it would ultimately happen anyway. Better to find out sooner rather than later on when we might be married. I'd just rather we explore and enjoy and inform ourselves before making a decision to commit, and go in with our eyes open. I think that's sensible and I don't know how else to explain that to people. It just makes sense to me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): Hi OP. Good for you that you know what you want. And nobody is going to convince you otherwise! Go do what you want. And let your boyfriend go! He's the perfect guy you say? Well, no he's not. Not for you! If he was you wouldn't be here trying to get a bunch of stranger's approval on sleeping around! I married my husband at your age. He was my first and 20 yrs later he remains both my first and my last!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2019): 'I still believe having some fun before you settle sounds healthier than jumping right in and committing to someone you met when you were a teenager'
So why stay with him then if that is how you feel?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 March 2019):
 OP, listen: your outlook is NOT wrong, but it does NOT match his. Neither of you are wrong, but you ARE wrong for each other. Very few people stay with their teenage/young adult partner because we grow and change. You want an open relationship and he doesn’t. That will lead to a break up or resentment. A comparatively gentle break up would hurt less than resentment souring the relationship, followed by an inevitable break up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2019): He was 19 when we got together, I was 22. I'm not going to break up with him because he is exactly the man I want to be with long-term. I know he'd make a great father and partner. We're a good team when we do things together, my family adores him, and like I said, he's an awesome person. But I feel like we met too early, and there is more for us to experience before we settle. I'm just starting to question the rigid way society views relationships, and I don't see why these things can't be more flexible. I was brought up in a very liberal and slightly weird household, so maybe that has something to do with it. But I do not think my outlook is wrong, just different. I still believe having some fun before you settle sounds healthier than jumping right in and committing to someone you met when you were a teenager.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 March 2019):
I have to agree, what you’re asking isn’t realistic.
Your BF DOES NOT want to sleep with other people. You’re trying to usher him down a path he doesn’t want to go down just so you can satisfy your sexual needs. If this is something that you NEED to do, then break up. Do whatever you want and find a long term partner when you’re ready.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 March 2019):
 Why would anyone marry someone who doesn't want sex? Sex is part of a healthy relationship.
If you feel like you aren't living life to the fullest or that you will miss out if you stay, then maybe, as much as you care for this guy, you have OUTGROWN the relationship.
I know SEVERAL adults who would call themselves bisexual yet, have NOT have sexual experiences with both genders. Mostly because they have been in long term relationships or marriages with a partner and have CHOSEN to be monogamous.
To be really frank though, if you two have been together since 19 and lasted 3 years it might just have hit an expiration date for you. What you want in a partner at 19, might not BE what you want in a partner at 25.
However, trying to convince your BF that you can do both, as in be his GF and ALSO have some sexual experiences on the "sly" it's not realistic.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 March 2019):
He doesn’t want to sleep with others. You do. That’s what it boils down to. You are no longer compatible; you want to have your cake and eat it too.
You’ll resent him if you stay monogamous and he’ll resent you if you “convince” him to let you sleep with others. I’m all for poly people being in poly relationships they WANT to be in, but he doesn’t WANT to share or be shared.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019): OP here. "Why are there so many divorces?"Is it maybe sometimes because people choose a partner when they're young and inexperienced and just assume they'll be with them forever? And then everyone is surprised when someone cheats?My boyfriend chose me when he was 19. He was so innocent. In a way, he still is. Which is sweet, but I feel like marrying someone based on an uninformed decision they made as a teenager is asking for trouble. I'd rather we explore now than deal with that trouble years down the line. I am trying to be realistic and think of the long run. We are young right now, and we have so many possibilities which he is letting go by. I don't want to hear him complain about missing out on that years from now. And I sure as hell bet he doesn't want to hear me complaining either.Also, thanks to whoever it was who explained bisexuality to me. Try thinking of it like this. Imagine marrying someone you loved, but who didn't want to have sex, ever. And you'd never had sex, so you just had to accept that was something you'd never experience. Would you make that sacrifice for your entire life? I don't know if I would. My attraction to girls is part of my sexuality, and I'm barely even acquainted with it. It just nags at me that I've lost that part of myself. It's like being half a person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2019): Maybe you're greedy, selfish, and racked with indecision. It's mostly a sign of being off-course, young, impetuous, and trying too many things at once. Stay focused. You have to live with your choices. Some things scar you for life.
The best advice for itchy-feet, discontent, and boredom is to move on. Many have tried to have their cake and to eat it too. It never works out, in spite of the anecdotes and claims to the contrary. It's always a matter of time. Romantic-relationships are complicated enough between just two people. Why are there so many divorces?
Back in biblical and ancient times, wealthy powerful men had several wives. There was always animus, jealousy, and contention within the harem. He got to pick favorites and add additions; while they were stuck with one penis. Why do you think they kept eunuchs in the palaces? So women didn't get to have side-lovers.
Kings and potentates wanted to be sure to have sons for heirs. Somebody came along and decided, enough of this already! One man, for one woman! That's it! If you're gay, one woman or a man at a time. Orgies/threesomes/foursomes usually breed contempt, and spread STD's! So slow your roll, girlfriend! You're getting ahead of yourself. Keeping track of him and his activities are hard enough! You're quite young, and not sure of what you can handle.
So now we're down to one-on-one relationships. Open or polygamous-relationships are just what you do, until you find someone to come between you. You'll most likely settle on one. What's he to do if he's not it?
If you want variety, be single. Risk your own health and emotional well-being.
You say you want a family, but at the same time you're suggesting an open-relationship with a guy who wants to be committed to you.
He's not up for the alternative-lifestyle you wish to impose on him. If you want to be with girls; then end the relationship you have with a man. Be with all the girls you want; but don't drag him down that rabbit-hole with you.
He has feelings, and even if he agrees to your proposal; it wouldn't necessarily be because he wanted to. It might only be to please you; if that's what it takes to keep you. You're counting on exploiting that. My advice to you is...don't!!!
If you're ready to explore and experiment sexually; it's best you take your journey alone. You don't get to decide for him what he should want to do. Basically, you're being manipulative; and offering him an ultimatum, not a choice.
You know he cares for you; so you'll hang-on to him as an insurance policy until you're done "sowing your wild-oats." Your safety-net, should you fail miserably due to making bad-decisions. You have an over-developed sense of entitlement, or a super-sized ego. Take your pick! You're not showing very much sensitivity for your boyfriend's feelings. Although he has shown his reservations about the lifestyle choices you are about to pursue. It all sounds good on paper! What are you placing at risk to play the odds? STD's can cause sterilization, or infect a fetus.
With all this open-relationship jive; what's he supposed to do if you happen upon some female you decide to fall in-love with? Untried experiments have unpredictable results. It may work for somebody else, no guarantee it will for you!
Does he just push a button and shutoff his feelings? While you're sleeping around, exposing yourself to herpes; or a variety of STD's from having multiple sex-partners.
People who seek alternative or unrestricted-lifestyles aren't that concerned about feelings, infecting their partners, or getting infected. They'll insist otherwise, but if they slip and don't use protection; they can infect countless others who pass it on and on and on. You can't take their word for it that they're clean. The test last week said negative, but you had a one-night stand last night; and can't remember if you used a condom. Everyone was drunk or high. You have to wait at least 30 days to be tested again.
Although there is prophylaxis, or PrEP to avoid HIV infection. If you choose an open relationship; you will need to be on PREP indefinitely. Maybe not forever. They haven't found a vaccine for genital herpes, super-gonorrhea, super-syphilis, or Hepatitis C. Unless you get everyone you bring into your relationship tested, it's guessing. You may want to get vaccinated for Hep A and B. There's a cure for Hep C; but it could be silent for years, and you'll never know you have it.
If he feels the need to seek more sexual-experience with other people; it would behoove you to breakup with him and let him "sow those oats." Otherwise, you better appreciate what you have. Most don't, until it's gone. You might introduce him to his next girlfriend, or future wife.
Let him go. Maybe it's time for you to move on; and do some of those things you're so curious about. He shouldn't have to stand witness or suffer through your exploits.
You don't have to go to another site. I think you've come to the right place. You can find people who can talk you into a life of crime; based on their experiences. It doesn't mean they've made the best of choices; or have the best wisdom to give someone as inexperienced as yourself any guidance. You can follow your wildest impulses, be that the case; because there are people out there with no conscience. Completely apathetic and void of a moral-compass. They have a silver-tongue, can be very persuasive, and they could talk the devil into sins he never committed before! They'll lie to you. Be careful of what you're told.
If you have something under your skin, or an itch to scratch; breakup with your boyfriend. It's best to let him make his own choices in life, and go the path he chooses. Rather than following you off-course; or getting his heart broken. Worse, catching an incurable STD!
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (3 March 2019):
I’ve seen a few posts on this site regarding open relationships and never once it being in a positive light. One partner always suggests it and the other is extremely apprehensive, not on board, or trying to convince their self that they’re okay with it when they know they’re not at all.
I think your BF is right, a quarter life crisis sounds true in this instance. Meaningless sex really is that, what would make you feel more content about having sex with a girl? Having a few more on night stands with guys you don’t care about? Would that really fill the void? If you’re set on it and you need more sexual experience then go for it, but let your BF go. He’s not interested in this, if he was, he wouldn’t be trying to make sense of it. If you’re his only sexual partner ever and he hasn’t admitted that he wants more when you’ve directly talked about an open relationship, you need to understand that he wants to marry you and build a life with you and only you. He isn’t interested in anyone else.
You need to weigh it all up. Decide whether this guy that you say you love is worth losing for the sake of more sexual experiences. You aren’t holding him back by the sound things, it’s more you feel like he’s holding you back! I’m 99.9% sure he doesn’t want anything to do with this open situation and if he does go with that .1% chance it’s because he doesn’t want to lose you and he’s going along for the sake of it and that’s what the majority of these posts we see on here are about which ultimately leads to resentment and the demise of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Addressing both your post, OP, and the answer from Youcannotbeserious, though she *is* right about there being the rare post about polyamory, there are far more posts that show the AFTERMATH of this type of arrangement, and to be honest, I have never seen one in which that arrangement worked out in the long term to the healthy benefit of all parties involved. Most of the time, however, the aftermath of polyamory posts fall into the following categories:
1. The "I didn't know what I was asking for" posts where the person who wanted an open relationship realized that they weren't as keen on their PARTNER being open, and they wanted to know how to "unscramble the egg" and return to monogamy as well as deal with the feelings of jealousy.
2. The posts where the open relationship either caused the OP *or* their partner they're posting about to develop strong feelings about the other partner and leave the original relationship.
3. The "third wheel" posts where additional parties feel like the plaything of the couples involved and want more from the relationship than just being the object of sexual activity. They want more of the relationship aspect and feel like more of an accessory than a cherished romantic partner.
4. The never satisfied -- the partner who gave into or requested an open relationship who now pressures their original partner for more radical or unconventional sexual activities.
5. The rule suggestions or violations in the open relationships. People posting on here about partners who break the rules or boundaries in a current open relationship, or requests as to what would be good rules or boundaries.
and finally
6. The children of open relationships. These are the toughest ones I see on here, and they are extremely rare, because most of the people who post about opening the relationship are either childless, or they don't think about the impact of the situation on their kids. Some have kids from previous relationships where all I can think of is having their home be stable for the kids. However, paternity falls into this category as well, with open relationships with more than one male involved (surprisingly, why are most open relationships involving one male/multiple female) and someone gets pregnant.
Being bisexual doesn't mean you HAVE to have sexual connection with both male and female at the same time! That's not true any more than someone has to cheat with someone else. It simply means you're attracted to both men and women. If you love someone, you can be monogamous and bisexual at the same time, just like a married person can be attracted to someone else. However, being faithful is just as doable and mandatory. Bisexual means you love the person, not just the gender.
If you love your boyfriend as much as you say you do, leave your fantasy as a fantasy and stop kissing people while you're in the relationship.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Let me tell you something girl, when a man says he choses you. He choses you. He doesn't "care" about more experiences with other girls because in his mind he "GOT" his dream girl. When a guy has claimed his main girl, he doesnt care about new girls. I think this is case of you wanting move on. Break it off and let poor guy go.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 March 2019):
Having an open relationship is not something you can just take out of a box and put back when you have had enough.
Life is full of choices, OP and you are at a cross roads here. You have 2 choices.
One: you END your current relationship and go do all the things you feel you HAVE to do or you will regret not doing them later. And you may or may not end up REGRETTING doing. Because the whole notion of HAVING to try all the different options that are out there isn't realistic and not for everyone.
TWO: to accept that WHAT you have is a once in a life-time and while it's tempting to want to try being with a woman or whatever fantasy, it's not worth the risk of losing this guy and what you have build with him.
And open relationship can ONLY work if BOTH people in the relationship wants it. He doesn't. And YOU need to respect that. The notion that open relationship is something you can just try for a bit, it's a fallacy. what you are REALLY asking him is to be allowed to cheat with other people or USE other people for sexual experimentation while still seeing him.
Obviously, you ARE NOT holding HIM back from experiencing life, he seems quite happy with the LIFE he has with you and being monogamous WITH you.
So the choice is yours. The RISK is yours too.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (2 March 2019):
 Do you know what I wonder? Whether it is pure coincidence that we get ONE post about polyamorous relationships on this site, where most aunts and uncles were basically not in favour of the idea and suggested the poster go onto sites specifically for that sort of arrangement, only for it to be closely followed by another post about the same thing. Maybe I am just being cynical and it IS pure coincidence. In any case, I will treat it as genuine.
It has transpired that most aunts and uncles on this site have had no experience of this sort of arrangement, neither do they consider it something they would LIKE to try. There are many sites (apparently - so the previous poster told us) catering for people in such arrangements. I would suggest it might be a better idea for you to post your question on such a site as members there will have had first hand experience (good and bad) of such arrangements and can give you much more useful advice and insight than most on here will be able to do.
All I would say, from reading your post, is that it appears your boyfriend is NOT keen on this idea. Push him into it and he may resent you and it may break up your relationship anyway. I am of the firm belief that relationships which are for keeps are all about timing. The timing is, perhaps, just not right for YOU to settle down. You are not ready. Or perhaps you have actually outgrown the relationship but are simply afraid to admit it. If it IS the wrong time for you to settle down, my advice would be to let your boyfriend go so he can find someone who wants just him, not anyone else. Perhaps you need to explore your own sexuality a bit more before settling down.
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