A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I discovered last week that my husband has been texting a woman he has been working with suggestive texts and she likewise. He admitted it has been going on for 2 or 3 months and obviously was careless enough not to delete the ones I discovered. I have NEVER looked at his phone before but some instinct made me and there they were. He insists it wasn't serious, just a bit of fun to brighten the boredom and this is backed up by one of her texts saying they'd not done anything yet!!!! I desperately want to confront her and see if their stories tally but my husband has said I might regret it if I do. He is obviously sh*t scared of it all blowing up (she's also married). I now know her mobile number so could text or ring or even go to her place of work which is in a different location to my husband's. He said he was getting fed up with it anyway and was going to tell her that it must stop as they both knew nothing would come of it or go further. Do you think I should confront her and risk it all blowing up or accept his word?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2009): I wouldn't trust him.If she's doing the same I wouldn't trust her either.I don't see what you can gain by confronting her.I must admit once when I was cheated on, by a man who was seeing a married woman, I told her husband. But it didn't make me feel any better and I don't suppose he enjoyed it much either.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): "He said he was getting fed up with it anyway and was going to tell her that it must stop as they both knew nothing would come of it or go further."HE IS LYING, THIS IS WHAT CHEATERS WILL SAY WHEN THEY GET CAUGHT. How can he justify this emotional betrayal? and make as though nothing happened? He "STOLE" time from you and your family (marriage), he "INVESTED" in this other woman, he had his "FEELINGS/EMOTIONS" INVOLVED in this relationship. He is subtely "threatening" you -"but my husband has said I might regret it if I do". What does he MEAN BY THIS? Does he mean that your marriage is will be over? that he will physically assualt you if you probe further? the possibilities are endless.This other woman invaded your home and marriage. She deserves to be brought to book. BY YOU. If you just dismiss all of her activities with your husband, what stops her AND HIM from continuing "this affair" because this is exactly what it is. And the longer it continues the more deep in "love/lust" he will be drawn. Then it will be too late (for you). More distrust, more pain, more betrayal. DO NOT JUST ACCEPT YOUR HUSBAND'S WORD. He has been cheating on you for the past 2/3 months. What is stopping him from lying now. He is just trying to blow this off as inconsequential, as though it didn't mean anything. BUT BUT BUT, the little something is here, the little something that is missing in your marriage, that little something, if not nipped in the bud, will escalate into a full blown relationship.Phone her and INSTRUCT HER TO STOP MESSING/ FLIRTING/ TEXTING your husband. TELL HER that you will be in contact with her husband to advise him what she has been getting up to. She needs to know that you mean business with her, that you WILL NOT TOLERATE her indiscretion. You need to also be realistic and know that she is CHEATING ON HER HUSBAND WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Even though it is now only an emotional affair, how soon before it escalated to something much more. Now that your husband has been caught he will be a tad bit more weary to leave his phone unattended. Please know that NEXT TIME, he will make certain that he will not be caught. SO, PUT A STOP TO IT NOW. CONFRONT HER and put an end to it NOW.As for your husband, you needs to account FOR HIS ACTIONS. DO NOT let him bamboozle you with this nonsense that he was getting fed up with it. What utter disrespect for you. He is so blaze about his indiscretion. He is not even sorry for this. He is just sorry he GOT CAUGHT. He also wants to protect this other woman. Why? Because the “ little something” is already there. He is protecting his relationship with her and the truth needs to come out. FAST. HE HAS DONE WRONG BY BECOMING EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO THIS OTHER WOMAN. He too has “stolen” from this woman’s husband. Your husband has also disrespected HER HUSBAND. But he sees no wrong. WARNING BELLS HERE. Watch your husband carefully from now on. Be alert, and it is always said that the wife knows last. Please DO NOT be the last one to know.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 March 2009):
 First lets talk about what is and is not serious in a relationship. I look at inappropriate as being ANYTHING that has the potential to violate the terms of the marriage, or CAN hurt the partner in the marriage.
Even if he wasn't physically having an affair, do these text make his behavior any less serious than if he was there physically. I don't think so, because either way he's going out of the marriage to seek what he should be seeking with you.
What you need to decide is what are you willing to accept and what you're not. This is not just about your marriage, it's about your happiness in your marriage. "Marriage" is only a descriptive word. Your marriage can't be good and satisfying unless both people are working on designing it that way. Tell your husband, whether he feels it was serious or not, it's an activity which is not at all acceptable when married.
I wouldn't say contacting her is the best, but I would say he needs to send a text letting her know he's happily married, and the communication at this time needs to come to an end, then he needs to delete her number from his phone. I also recommend gong on a marital retreat. They have them in just about all states, and their designed to rebuild your trust, and intimacy in your marriage, and to have a clear view of what marriage is.
Quite often, with those I talk to, it's not a matter of "you need to communicate more" it's a personal imbalance. You could be the most loving wife, but if his sense of self is imbalance, inappropriate behaviors may develop to compensate for what he's missing in himself. So many times it's not a marital issue, although it affects the marriage. I've personally found, the stronger we become as individuals, the less likely it will be that we take part in behavior that goes against our personal morality and integrity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Going to her job is not going to help none. You should try calling or texting her from your husband phone that way she will pick up. She may not want drama so most likely she will answer your question but it all comes down to your husband. He should know better...
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (23 March 2009):
 This is a form of emotional cheating. It's great that nothing physical happened, but his heart still wasn't with you while he was doing this.
And who is he to say you might regret confronting her?
If she doesn't work with your husband, then yes, I would go to her office and calmly tell her that you don't appreciate her actions, and that if she continues to contact your husband in any manner not related to work, then you will out her to her husband or make a horrible scene at her work (employers hate personal drama at the work place).
And for your husband, I suggest you take him to marriage counseling. He obviously feels something is lacking and that he needs to seek it elsewhere. He needs to learn that if he is feeling unsatisfied, then he needs to talk to you, not some hussy. He is on thin ice and needs to know it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): You have every right to do exactly what you feel you want to and if that means contacting her then do it - why should your husband stop you? This 'other woman' needs a warning shot fired to stop this damaging flirtation once and for all.
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