A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and we are getting along great. Normally we see each other 1 time a week since we live 30 miles apart and due to our work schedules. In addition to our regular jobs, we both have weekend part time work as well. We stated early on when we met that each of us was looking for a long term relationship and I can see this going there. The only thing I don't know how to deal with is our differences in sex drive. I am 48 and he is 51. I have always had a high drive and enjoy it very much. We had a date Friday night and when we got home we snuggled and I I pleasured him with a bj. And that's ok since I enjoy doing that for him. Before he leaves to go home we decide to watch the football game together on Saturday. I says he will come back to my house. I have supper ready, we watch the game, have a great time since our team won. Then, I say I want to repeat last night and give him another bj--and he says no! He said "we don't have to do that everytime we are together." I could understand that if we saw each other daily. I guess I am weird but when I was married (for 12 yrs) I never said no to him. I don't feel sex should be used as a weapon, bargining tool or whatever you want to call it. I could be upset at my husband but still have sex because the two have nothing to do with the other. So when he said no it hurt my feelings. If we were married I would be ok with us having sex 1 time a week but I would want to give him a bj every night. I am afraid our differances in sex drive is going to put a strain on our relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who took the time to answer. We talked this morning on the phone and I told him I was sorry that I got upset at him. And I really was not as upset as it hurt my feelings.
We usually see each other once a week and he never said no to anything before and this week we happen to be together 2 nights in a row and when he said no.... it made me feel like there was something I must have done wrong.
I was raised by my grandparents and am very old fashioned. I treat people like I want to be treated. In our early days of dating I found out he eats lunch out 6 days a week. Since I enjoy cooking I found out what types of food he really likes and I make him homemade dinners all the time. I would rather stay home and cook for him than to go out. And he is such a gentleman, he says, well, you work just like I do... its ok to go out.
After losing my 13 yr old son and both of my parents within a 9 yr period, I learned life is too short and I need to remember that he really is a great man and how blessed I am to have found him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010): I left a very long relationship in part because of rejection in the bedroom. It was repeated, and just like your guy said...a flat out "NO". I'm now in a relationship where she wants sex at least once a day, usually more. It has almost made me not want sex, and I have found myself going along with it several times against my will. I once bought her a sexy outfit. She wore it one night I was honestly not in the mood and I really hurt her feelings.
Every relationship needs full communication and understanding where there are differences in sexual drive. He is in the latter years of his sexual life, and you need to respect that. Likewise, he needs to respect that you have needs, and he can do more than just say "NO". A good man will offer some kind of love, affection or sexual contact to make you happy.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Maybe he was tired?
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (31 October 2010):
 Each of us have different sex drives, which in a relationship we need to understand and respect. I think your fellow wasn't trying to hurt you, I think he was trying to respect you. You might feel good about "giving" sexual pleasure every night without getting it in return but some guys might not feel good about having sexual pleasure being so one sided. I think the other poster is correct in that sex is an outcome of a relationship, not the foundation for one.
Though in a relationship there does need to be sexual compatibility among both partners and that is something you both need to explore for a long term relationship. As you are probably aware, most 50 year old men don't have the same sex drive as a 20 year old man.
Your guy either wants a better balance of giving and receiving or you might not have the same sex drive. If the later is the case, it will become more of a strain as the relationship goes on and then you will have to make a decision.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 A lot of guys love BJ's... but a lot of women do not like giving them.
If he is a nice guy, he might think you are offering to give him a BJ every time you see him because you HAVE to, not because you want to.
He might think BJ's are demeaning.... good for a quickie, but not something to do with someone you love?
Also, if you do the same things every time you see each other, he might get bored. A blow job 7 days a week... might be nice to start with... but could get a little boring after a while. Or he might just have wanted to spend time with you without having sex.
"we don't have to do that everytime we are together"
This is the key... he doesnt want to make your relationship JUST about sex. He wants it to be a proper relationship. He wants you as a woman, as a friend, as a partner, not just as a sex buddy. If all you do is have sex when you see him, every time you see him... he might think thats all you want.
You also talk about you pleasuring HIM. You pleasuring your husband... never saying no to your partners. Would you really agree to sex every single time, even if you didnt want to, felt ill, were in a mood with him?
Talk to your partner. If his sex drive is not as high as yours, you have to either accept it, or find someone who can satisfy you the way you want.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (31 October 2010):
 I understand how you view sex but, a lot of people have differing perspectives on it. A lot of people I know, including myself, feel that sex in a relationship has a lot to do with every other aspect. How you act during sex is but a reflection of your role in a relationship. Of course there are those like you that manage to emotionally and mentally separate sex and love and view it as a simple act which is why you are able to have sex with your husband even if you are upset with him, a lot of women cannot do that, it sometimes disgusts them.
Perhaps your boyfriend views sex differently? If you do this for him every night, he may see it as demeaning somehow or he could even get bored with it. Just ask him, talk about it because there can be and often is, an emotional factor in things like this.
I hope that helps.
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