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female
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anonymous
writes: I was hurt by my boyfriend, I understand how it happened, he understand why I was hurt. It was unfortunate. He's sorry about it. Problem is I don't feel as much for him as I did. Don't get me wrong I still love him, need him and care about him. It's just like most of the reasons for those feelings aren't there anymore. I don't feel as much from him either. Not that he feels less about me, it just doesn't get through. He used to make me feel special and amazing. He used to make everything ok. Now I often feel distant. Even when I do feel good it's just a shadow of what I used to have.I understand that over time your suposed to feel less about eachother but I'm sure it's not suposed to happen all at once!!When he says things like holding me makes everything better I think 'Oh yea, I used to have that'I miss it, I cry about it, it's a real loss. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pixie_elf +, writes (7 September 2006):
Thank you both. Snowbird, for this great post and the kind offer of emailing you. Ariel, you hit the spot with some of what your saying about rejection. I have even changed abit. I feel let down or unwanted a whole lot easier than I did before, irrasionally so. And it makes my bf's job of making me feel loved and all the rest of it a whole lot more difficult. I shake these feelings off most of the time, but I guess it was those sort of feelings that were seemingly 'proven right' when I got upset in the first place. Also if you could elaborate on talking to my sub-conscious that would be great, I've never really tried before and wouldn't know how to go about it. I feel like I'm really getting something from this. It feels more and more probable that sooner or later I'll feel what I did, or something very close to it.
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female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (7 September 2006):
 I can say that I have recently been in exactly the same situation as yourself, and if it helps you to know how I dealt with it, here goes:
I have been seeing a man for almost a year now, and he made a silly mistake which severely damaged the trust I had in him. It hurt me so badly I thought I would never get over it. He is the love of my life, my soulmate, and would do anything for me.
I did not speak to him for a week, even though he drove to my house in the night to deliver a hand- written letter of explanation, declaring his love for me and apologising for the "stupid mistake" he'd made. Another time he came to my house after leaving work early to drive over, having texted me and trying to ring me, all to no avail. I was too upset to talk. He sat in his car in 90 degrees of heat outside my house, as I would not answer the door, phoning me - all to no avail.
Eventually I answered the phone late that night, and agreed to meet him to discuss events. He assured me of his love and commitment, and I had decided to give it another go. We have'nt looked back. Sure, I still have the odd 'pang', but we have grown deeper in love and understanding since, and I would say now that I love him more than ever - I just realise that he is a mere mortal, and the higher the pedestal you place someone on, the further they can fall when they make a mistake. He is only human, after all, and by jove, he has not put a foot wrong since. We have both worked hard on this relationship - it IS worth it!
A lesser man would never have had a chance to even try to make it up to me, but he is such a good man and is so deeply in love with me, and makes sure that I know it in every way. I love him deeply. If you can say the same for your relationship, then you clearly still have an awful lot to strive for.. is'nt that what it is all about?? Please feel free to drop me a private e-mail should you wish to discuss..take care, and dont "throw the baby out with the bath-water", as the saying goes!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): He didn't cheat on me, he didn't hit me. It was a mistake, he upset me deeply but didn't realise why I was upset and failed to be there for me and make it better at the time. We talk so well but it took a while to make him understand how badly I had been affected because he felt like I was blaming him.
I know he loves me. I know I mean the world to him as he does to me. But most of the time I don't feel it. It's not that the event even hurts as much anymore, it does a bit but it's nothing compared to the pain of what I've lost.
He's my best friend aswell as being my boyfriend.
He desparatly regrets it even though it was only a mistake.
I want to feel the things I used to. I hate how something so little has affected me this much. It's like there's something wrong with me, like something inside me broke.
To Irish49, I recognise myself in a lot of what your saying.
(He is sincere though.)
I want to rebuild, there is no other choice for me. I can't hurt myself and the person who means most to me as much as I would by leaving.
Any tips on how?
Sorry this is so long, I'm tring to reply to all of you.
Thanks for the advice so far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): It is a loss and I am so sorry, dear. I don't know if you can get back what you two shared. Sadly, whatever he did to you, you are struggling..trying to heal that deep wound. There is truth to that saying that "hurt will eventually destroy love". In a healthy, satisfying relationship, we all make a conscious 'choice' to whom we love and trust. We trust that they will never inflict pain. All the physical attraction, all the great sex and loving words, will not hold a relationship together if one of the couple has had a deep hurt inflicted on them, by the other. I think this may be you. Whatever he did to you has created a deep emotional wound. You may not be aware of it, somedays but this feeling just rears it's ugly head and comes to the forefront of your mind, even when you don't want it to. Thus your restraint, your thoughts of 'Oh yea, I used to have that' . Realize this is not your fault! He is an adult and he's responsible for the pain he has inflicted on you. What really links a couple together is 'friendship, trust and respect'..meaning you actually have to "like" each other. Respect, caring, bonding, sharing , trust all mean so much. But the trust..the safe, secure feeling has been shaken up, in your case. Apparently, you have forgiven him but you have not really forgotten and this is what is troubling you. Because of this, it seems you and your bf have lost the the important qualities that really hold a relationship together. When he hurt you, it likely did something inside of you..it damaged that love. As a result, I think it your responsibility to yourself, to recognize that this relationship is damaged, as well and you may need to either work hard at getting that 'love' feeling back or move on. You don't say what he did but it must have been painful to have given you these doubtful feelings and you don't feel safe anymore. You can't bring yourself to truely love a man who would do this to you. This is causing your relunctance, your distancing. The fact that you are remaining with him may tell you that you are feeling an unhealthy co-dependence on him and that is not 'real love'. You must take the bull by the horns and find your own happiness just for you. Men like this, sometimes will keep hanging onto a relationship by granting their partner some words of love, occasionally and she'll hang onto that with a vengenance, always hoping, what they had will come back. But words like this just keep you giving to him, what he wants to take from you. You both can start afresh and renew but he'll have to display actions and show you, he's sincere. Talk is cheap...to build that trust, he'll have to make changes to himself to prove to you he is worthy. He has to regain your deep, abiding trust and respect. That is what was lost, between you both. And when a relationship doesn't have those 2 important elements, all you have is just emptiness. Be responsible for your own happiness. Make a courageous choice...do we rebuild or do I walk away? It's up tp you. Good luck, dear.
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reader, joeymac +, writes (6 September 2006):
Hun I kind of know how u feel iv just posted a question but think it will be wayyy too long to post. Iv been with my boyfriend for almost a year but because he is so insecure and jealous hes said some awful things to me throughout the relationship. We are so close I can't imagine not having him in my life we do get on really well when we don't argue. He's told me that he wished he was still with his ex instead of me when we were on holiday in Cuba recently because we had a bit of an argument which really hurt, he's called me a fat f**ker, slag, liar so much abusive stuff, and told me in-depth stories about over 20 girls he'd slept with which really hurt me. Even though I still love him i don't feel like i wana spend the rest of my life with him, i don't wana hav sex with him anymore or even kiss, i feel like i'm with him for the wrong reason - because i'm absolutely terrified of not having him in my life like he has been everyday for a year, that i'l lose my best friend, but he loves me and wants to marry me and spend our lives together, i'm just leading him on. maybe this is how u feel? i understand its easy said and so hard to do i know really i shouldn't be with him. i know that it feels like u'l never find anyone again but iv felt like that a few times before and i always manage to find someone! maybe you just aren't in love with him anymore? i'm sorry i'm not much help but i think maybe u just need to realise how things really are. good luck X
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