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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend has a lot of past issues and we never really argue but when we do, if i say anything nasty, which is purely heat of the moment, no matter how much i say sorry, he carries a grudge for ages, saying that i've really hurt him. i don't understand Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pica +, writes (30 December 2006):
He's told you, you've really hurt him. I'm never been persuaded that things said in the heat of the moment don't matter - I think they are what people really think. You thought it and said it deliberately to hurt him. I have to say I'd have a problem with a partner - anyone - acting like that if there wasn't full and frank discussion afterwards and it never happened again. It's not a smart way to win arguments, it's a way to make yourself look bad. The fact that you say sorry means nothing - that's not a delete key. You can't just say anything and expect a 'sorry' to wipe it out. What do you both have going for you in this relationship?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2006):
We'll you may see them as tiny little slights not worth mentioning; he might see them as insights into your character that you are politic enough to keep covered up when sober and calm.
Depending on what these "nasty" things you'd have to give him a good reason to show that you have changed from the kind of bitch that would say them to get him to believe an apology. Not just that you have sobered up. BTW, in rereading your post it seems like this is an ongoing problem- everytime you are having a fight you feel its fair game to whip out these hurtful attacks.
Ok, the "i don't understand" part. Some guys do take their girlfriend's opinion of them seriously. I have dropped girls because I didnt like their drunk personality or the way they fought. Just so you arent suprised if it happens to you....
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A
female
reader, Hag +, writes (29 December 2006):
Holding grudges is a control tactic. It appears to me as though he is also using a past that you were no part of as an excuse to behave in ways that upset you. You have a right to get angry occassionally. You are the only one who can determine if you have overreacted to a situation.
Look back at what you were initially angry about and what may have caused you to say or do 'hurtful' things. Try to be objective. If he has a right to tell you that you have hurt him then you also have a right to tell him that you've been hurt.
His past is no reason for him to blame you for his hurt. If he refuses to see that you are being hurt at these times also and only wants you to focus on what you've done to him, he is being selfish and will never care for your needs the way you do his.
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (29 December 2006):
 Hi there,
I think u are genuinely true becos it takes alot to apology and admit when one have said something wrong to another but
what sort of nasty things did you really say???
Saying sorry is a really good things to do, but words can replay sometimes in person's mind so u have to weigh what u say even if u were really upset. It is good when arguing to stick to the topic of controvesy, and try not to go into saying things that are not right or will create doubt of your feelings afterwards. If the argument is getting out of hand look for a good exit strategy and move on from the topic.
Also when someone says sorry it is usually expected that person tries not to repeat the same. but if it keeps happening he might wonder if u really meant it.
I would suggest u talk to him and tell him u didnt mean what u said and would try to be more careful with regards to his feelings next time. Naturally, he ought to be more accomodating and willing to over look such things u say especially if he knows that u didnt mean them. but i guess as u say if he has really been hurt he might find it hard to overlook. Just be patient.
Take care dear and happy new yr
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