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female
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anonymous
writes: Im 19, having a bf for nearly 5 months now. Although I wouldn't consider it a very long relationship, I have seriously fell for him like I have never before. Overall, he is a person who treats me nicely once we meet. However, once I leave for home and we start talking on the phone, problems arise. Even small things like talking to him in a different tone because someone is around or me feeling sleepy causes a problem. I can't take it anymore.I feel that our problems are really minor, but it leads to him calling me names and I seriously cannot take that. Almost every single day, he calls me a bit** and tells me to find some other guy for my hole. I lost my virginity to him and probably that's why I cannot take what he is saying. He hits me, even when I'm driving. He controls me to a very great extent. I can't do anything without asking him, and if he says NO, i can't do it or I risk losing him. Leaving him is not an option, but i want him to get rid of his temper and his insecurities. Every time he asks for a break up, i go back to him to beg him not to leave me. He says now that I am only good for crying and begging, but I don't think I would stoop to that level for anyone at all.Can someone please help me.. Leaving him is not an option cause i love him dearly
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female
reader, Jordan +, writes (19 December 2005):
 look your a woman and u should have respect for yourself u shouldnt let some a** hole control u like that men should treat women like they are GOLD!!!! women need n waant to be respected n some advice grow a back bone!!! cuz if he hits u now u neva know one of these days he could really hurt you n u said he hits u while ur driving... u can end up in a severe accident n hun it's only been 5-6 months n when he says it's ova go along move on there are WAY too meany guysin the world for u to be disrespected like that...
on another note ur only 19 look around go party cuz if he keeps controlling u ur gonna miss out on alot....
but it's your choice if ur gonna stay with him maybe you can go to counciling or send him 2 anger management but jus think u can do alot better u can find a guy that will respect you
Love,
Jordan
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): Ditto to what has been said before. At this point, you truly are only good for crying and begging to him. But fortunately, he doesn't even deserve that. PLEASE let your intellect overcome your heart (which thinks it loves him, silly heart) and realize that this man is not worthy of your love if he treats you so abominably. RUN THE OTHER WAY.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2005): I hope you can read this in 10 yrs like I am doing now.
I was, until very recently, you. I ended up being with someone very similar to your bf for 10 yrs. Although he never hit me, his throwing things in my direction(just missing me), drugging me and emotional abuse was worse than if he hit me.
I can relate to your situation but also need to tell you from someone who has done this... Honey, GET OUT NOW!!!
Unless you like being hit, demeaned and made to feel like you dont deserve better...He will not change!! You will or already are making excuses for him to your self and friends and family for his rotten behaviors. He will .. if he hasn't already, seperate you from your friends and family. This is all a control game to him. He will talk about you behind your back and laugh at you telling everyone how he has you wrapped around his little finger and can make you do whatever he wants. He will make you feel like no one else will want you or that he was the one who got you where you are today. Losing your virginity to him , in your mind is an important factor... to him... he could care less. Your just another girl. He is abusive in every sense of the word.
I am (or should I say was) a therapist working with children and their families. I gave that up because he didn't like it and told me I was the gestapo for telling others how to raise their kids. But in my head, (and I am sure in yours too)I knew this was bad and wrong but I didnt know how to deal with him... I just knew I loved him and would die if he ever left me.
You already know what you NEED to do. If you didn't you wouldn't be asking for help... which is the first step to getting it. You MUST first believe in yourself. Know that you DO deserve better than this. and that you are worth it and for all intent a purposes, He is a person that really needs to change his behaviors. You on the other hand need to get some outside support .. even though you feel like this is your problem and no one will understand ( believe me.. I almost lost my whole family because"no one understood..") Get into a support group or a friend that is not judging the situation but is a true friend and will be there no matter what you say or do. Confide in that person and use their support to help you get through this. It will take time... it didn't happen overnight, and will not go away overnight.. This took me over a year of getting out... then begging him to take me back .. then getting out again. I am relieved to tell you that I am now out of it for good.. I do still remember the good times we had but also realize that the bad times just were not worth it. You do not deserve for anyone to treat you badly, and no one should allow someone else to abuse them , mentally, physically or emotionally. I hope this helps you to see more clearly and again I hope that you can read this in 10 yrs and be in a much better place than you are right now. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, DreamMaster  +, writes (17 December 2005):
OK, since you wont leave him I want to put this into perspective by telling you what you have to look forward to for the 6 months or so:
You have now shown him that you are spineless and willing to take whatever crap he dishes out, and there are no consequences for him whatsoever,
He has even taken the final step of finishing it because he has so little respect for you and you STILL come crawling back.
This means he can do what he wants, and he already knows it.
Now, given that he is the type of person that uses disgusting language like “hole”, calls you a bitch every day (instead of saying “I love you”), hits you, etc etc, I am eagerly awaiting what this is building up to.
You have to try to look at this relationship from the outside and see the pattern of behaviour – this guy is not going to treat you any better – Why should he? What are the consequences for him if he treats you worse? He doesn’t love you or respect you, he just uses your ‘hole’ for his own personal pleasure (forgive me for using his words).
I don’t think you love him either – how could you possibly love him. However I do think you depend on him, whether that is for social life, or sex, or because you have such a low self-worth that you think you don’t deserve any better is for you to consider.
If this is the kind of person you are, that can be ok – IF you are with the right kind of person, who is caring, sensitive etc. You cannot afford to be with someone like your current boyfriend though – he is going to destroy you emotionally the longer you go out with him.
This guys treatment of you is going to get worse and worse, until eventually, in a couple of months, the novelty that you provided wears off, and he finishes it anyway, and doesn’t take you back because he is sick of your crying and begging. Now you are an emotional wreck, a guy has treated you like shit for 6 months, and still finished it, probably after cheating on you several times. Ah what a life…
So if at this point if you could make a wish, would it be to go back in time, to now effectively, to make the right decision, avoid the next 6 months of degradation, and end the relationship yourself to maintain some dignity. Be your own person, this guy does not own you.
So now, please remind us what you think your options are.
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female
reader, QOTU +, writes (16 December 2005):
 You can't feel that way about him, luvvie... He's just going to hurt you more, and make life hell for you, if you stay with him.
What you've got to understand is that you're a very elligible woman, youthful at your age. He's not the only person who would ever love you, and I'm sure you can easily find someone better, who'll love you and respect you.
You can't let him run you down, bella - find someone else and, as eyeswideopen said, "get the hell away from him". :-(
Keep coming here to talk to us, if you need it!
Love, QOTU
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A
female
reader, kellyO  +, writes (16 December 2005):
 Hi there, i dont think there is anyone here that would advise u to remain in this relationship. u r being abused and used and u just have to move on. u need to seek counselling and get friends and close families memembers to help. pls contact a woman crisis centre near by for help. remaining with this guy is not an option. He doesnt respect with what so ever. No man should ever hit a woman. Please i know u think what u have is love and u feel u can change things but believe me u can never change this guy. he is a very cruel person and i am afraid ypour innocence and good nature is blinding u.pls learn to accept YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE HIM. He alone can change himself and i am afraid he is not ready to do that. pls me he is not even worth your effort.I wish you all the best and i know with time u will find the right guy who will treat u with respect cos that's how a relationship should be.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 December 2005):
 The only option with a control-freak/abuser is to get the hell away from him, but if you say that's not an option then stay with him and in enjoy the bad treatment. You're sure to get plenty of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): Wow, first off, I would like to say that no person deserves to be hit or called names, especially by someone who is supposed to care about them. And the phrase, "I cant do it or I risk losing him" is not a good way to feel at all.
I feel very sorry that you are in this situation, I know that it is very hard for you. Since you made it clear that leaving him is not an option, I will try to work around that. You said that he is nice to you when you are together...perhaps you could mention counseling? He could either go alone to learn to control his temper, or you could go as a couple. You may feel silly asking him to do something like that, but at this point, trying anything will be better than the situation you both are in. Something that may be easier to do, is to sit down with him and explain to him that you do have strong feelings for him and that you would never intentionally hurt or disrespect him, and that you expect the same in return. Please just remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work and to be a positive experience for both of you. If this guy is not willing to meet you halfway, then there are plenty of great guys out there that will give you the kindness and respect that you deserve. Even though you may feel like this now, this man is not the only option for you. You are obviously a very strong girl, and I know that you will be able to do what is needed to make yourself happy and safe. I wish you the best of luck!
p.s. Maybe one of these times that he threatens to break up with you, you should go along with it. If he comes back to you, then perhaps that means that this is something that is work working on. If he does not come back to you, then that will tell you that he does not care for you like you do for him. And good riddance to him and his temper and his other issues!
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