A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been seeing this guy for about 9 months off and on. We’ve hooked up a few times. I don’t want anything serious because I’m going through a divorce (been legally separated for 2 years). Anyway, I’d kind of describe our relationship as slightly more than friends with benefits. We are both busy and sometimes it’s difficult to get together. We text frequently thorough-out the day. However it seems like I am always the one making time. Recently I found out that he had pretty much kept me a secret. He hasn’t told a soul about his relationship with me and it bothers me. He acts like it’s no big deal. To me it is, you build a pretty close friendship with someone for this long, how can it be a secret? I was quite shocked:. To make matters worse, we had plans this week and he stood me up. I waited over 30 minutes past the time we were supposed to meet and didn’t hear from him for hours. I had to text him first because as mad as I was, I wanted to make sure he wasn’t in an accident or something. He keeps acting like these things are no big deal. Like I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill since we aren’t in a relationship. Am I crazy to expect at least a little bit of respect? Or is he right, in the grand scheme of our friends with benefits, this stuff shouldn’t matter?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): If this was just friendship then I would be saying .. why hasn't he mentioned you even as a friend .. but because you entertain him with sex or bring sex into the mix it's then deemed as friends with benefits and the friendship is kinda not even on the table . No matter how you feel . He too has feeling and they do not match your own .
Have more respect for yourself and move on asap
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 May 2019):
 Firstly, have YOU told all YOUR friends and family about HIM and, if so, what have you told them exactly? There's this guy I hook up with occasionally to scratch an itch?
Secondly, do you know for sure he doesn't have other "friends" he hooks up with occasionally? Perhaps you are one of a few?
You need to decide what exactly you want from this relationship, then discuss it with him and see if he is on the same page. If you want nothing serious, then don't expect HIM to treat it like it IS serious.
The fact that he stood you up was just bad manners and rude. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Make it clear that, regardless of what your relationship is, standing you up is NOT acceptable. It takes a minute to phone or text.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 May 2019):
 You just hook up sporadically, why should he make an official announcement about that to everybody he knows ?! It would be very tacky and inappropriate. Sex life is a personal, private matter. It's horny teenagers who can't wait to bandy it around to everybody , every time they get to shag. Adults don't.
I agree with you, though, about being stood up. It IS a big deal . Standing somebody up is rude, arrogant and uncalled for. Standing ANYBODY up is wrong - whether the person is a fuckbuddy, a S.O., a colleague, an aquaintance… That's what we have phones for, isn't it ? To tell people BEFORE ,when we need to cancel / reschedule and give them that basic respect of not wasting their time.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 May 2019):
 You aren’t in a relationship, what is there to tell?
‘Mum, this is the woman I am having casual sex with’ doesn’t quite my the same ring to it as GF does it?
If you don’t want anything serious then what’s the issue anyways?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): There’s no reason to disclose a relationship that isn’t official or serious. He’s done nothing wrong about that and in fact doing the right/smart thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2019): You said you're friends with benefits. He doesn't have to advertise your presence; because you're not his official girlfriend. Stop having sex with him and see what happens.
If you wanted to be his girlfriend; you should have made that clear from the start. Otherwise, he will treat you like someone he has sex with on occasion. You're basically a married-women that he has sex with; and he can't really introduce you to everyone, because it will look like you're having an affair.
His connection with you is casual; because you are technically still married.
FWB's don't act like a committed-couple. There is a detachment like platonic-friends publicly; but you have sex on the side.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (12 May 2019):
 In the nicest possible way, why would he tell anyone about an on-off casual hook-up buddy?
You seem to feel more for him than he does for you. He doesn’t see you as a close friend. You put in all of the effort. He doesn’t seem to consider you as “slightly more than FwB”. In fact, he doesnt seem to see you as more than someone to talk to and hook up with occasionally. As for him standing you up, it’s a reminder that it’s just casual (albeit it’s a rude thing to do).
I think you should let this guy go, get through the divorce, then find a guy who wants what you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 May 2019):
 You know, at your age... what is the point in a "slightly more than FWB"?
Either you WANT a relationship or you want some casual. You have hooked up a couple of times over 9 months that HARDLY makes it a FWB or more. So WHAT is that you think he should tell the world? There is nothing here.
As for him standing you up, REGARDLESS of "what" you are, that is just low. And I would make a point of standing him up at some point. JUST to MAKE a point. And I wouldn't be surprised if THAT is why he stood you up. To SHOW you how little you ACTUALLY mean to him. Sure it's nice to have someone to "text", talk to, hang out with and once in a blue moon to fool around with - but it doesn't really have much potential. You CAN really commit as you are STILL married (legally) and he doesn't really seem to be looking for a serious relationship.
He hasn't told anyone because he doesn't WANT anyone to think it's more than it is.
YOU have to decide if perhaps you have hit the expiration date on this "whatever" it is. You seem to have higher expectations of this than HE seems to have.
Maybe your focus should be getting that divorce finalized so you can move on mentally, emotionally and ...legally.
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