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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hi GuysHere's the deal. I recently broke up with this guy, we have been what you would say best/very close friends before we got intimate. We were close but as with all relationships we had our ups and downs.When we broke up, it was my doing...I just don't answer his calls. He did try to call that particular time but I refused to answer....I would normally do this when i am annoyed with him....he didn't even know I really broke up with him but I call it a break-up because since calling me that one time, he hasn't called since and that has been about a month now.I am too proud to call him cause we have always fallen out over the same thing and if I do call, it would signal to him that I can't do without him etc and that will just boost his ego...which I have NO INTENTION of doing.But even though i miss him like crazy, I would NEVER, EVER call him cause in all our friendship I was the one who was ALWAYS, ALWAYS there for him and I find he should be the one reaching out to me right now. Please note however, this is taking a tremendous amount of restraint on my part but to tell the truth i'm miserable.However, he is not calling or texting, and I would love to know what is going through his mind. I would give anything to get into his head to see what he is thinking. Any guesses?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2009): I guess things don't always turn out exactly as we'd like. Again, he might not realise any of this, what you are hoping him to do.
Are you angry with him at all? You keep saying that he should make the first move because you was always the one there for him. Do you feel that he hasn't been there for you? Has it all felt one-sided, with you giving and him not giving much back in return? If so, I can understand you wanting him to make some more of an effort.
But I still don't see things moving forward with this lack of communication. I think you really need to talk to him about this, and explain to him what you want/need from him. Without any pointers, I think he is going to find it impossible to know what to do. I just think there might be deeper issues at work here. But again, the first step is for someone to initiate contact. If you are adamant that it should be him, then by all means wait. But remember, there is always that chance that he may not call. He may have just assumed that it is over.
If it has been a month now, I don't see him calling. Or even if he did at some point, the atmosphere might be very awkward. I'm not trying to say that YOU should call HIM. It is up to you what you choose to do. I am just trying to look at the possible outcomes of each option. Hope this helps. x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I understand all of what you said, but why can't it be the other way around? I was more there for him than he was ever there for me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): I would think that he might be confused. If he doesn't have any idea of what he has done to annoy you, then he probably can't understand why you ignored his calls. Maybe he is leaving you alone because he thinks that is what you want. If I tried to call somebody, and they just kept refusing to answer, I wouldn't keep on trying. I would assume that they want me to leave them alone and give them space. He might also not want to pester you by constantly trying again.
I don't mean this in a negative way, but I think you are being a bit unfair on him. He can't read your mind. He doesn't know why you are annoyed with him. My guess is that you wanted him to get the message that you were annoyed with him by not answering the phone. And then, within the next month, he is supposed to initiate contact again, right? How is he supposed to know that? I bet he is just really confused.
I know you feel that he should make the first move here. But how much do you really care about this guy? How much do you like him? Enough to try and put your pride aside and make the first move? When it comes down to it, does it matter who makes the first move? I'm not sure if he will, as he is probably not sure whether you want him to. So it may be down to you.
Look at it this way: If you don't try, then more time might go by, and before you know it, it could be well and truly over. It might reach a point where it is too late to save the relationship. And for what? Because you were too proud to call him? All it might take to sort this out, and to make you feel better, is for you to make the first move and call him. Or even a text will be an ice-breaker.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope this all works out well for you. Good luck. x
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 I think it would be impossible to guess what he is really thinking but I tend to rely on what I know from years of studying human psychology and examining relationships.
Firstly Guys arn't so complicated. They tend to take things at face value. If you arn't picking up his calls or calling him he will just take it that you don't want to know him anymore. Sure he may feel sad about losing you, or he may secretly be glad to be out of the relationship (a likely reason for not calling).
You yourself are giving mixed messages. You don't want to call him because you don't want him to know that you cannot 'do without him'?? well I guess you have to ask yourself if, indeed you CAN do without him?? If you can't then it's probably a good idea to let him know. You also say you don't want to boost his ego?? If you really want him back in your life then a little ego boosting might work wonders. If, however you are going against what you truly feel for him then it is no wonder your miserable.
In a breakup, unless the guy is totally into you it may not occur to him to be the first to make contact. Women often toil the situation over and over in their heads, almost willing the guy to call. When he doesn't, they begin to really stew about it and imagine all sort of things. This can manifest into sadness, anger and despair...in short, women can go a little psycho!!! and things quickly dissolve into a pool of mind games.
If you really want this guy back in your life (and the only short way I can see to ending the misery) then you should call him and tell him...ok so you have to be the one who backs down, but ultimately you have a good chance of rekindling things before too much time has passed and you get what you want.
Alternatively you could wait for his call...that may or may never come.
Aunty Em xxx
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