A
female
age
36-40,
*kin025
writes:Hey everyone, I'm desperate for some advice other than what my friends have been telling me.I've been with my boyfriend for around 2 years now. Our whole relationship has been pretty rocky in that we are completely different people and so our personalities always clash. I'm quite social, enjoying being out and doing things, dancing, etc. His idea of a good day involves sleeping/eating and/or playing football. He hates crowds, doesnt really enjoy being around other people unless they're his friends or me n he hates socializing with people and even complains about his friends now and then.. When things were really rocky in our relationship it was hard to even be around him... stupidly i cheated on him (i know, I'm a bitch..) and then he changed and things got so much better...but then he ended up finding out about it and we talked it over and I, of course, feel horrible for not being able to tell him myself but then he told me he cheated on me with someone else aswell!! So we both agreed to move on together.. A couple of weeks later, we went to this bar with some friends and got pretty drunk and out of the blue he starts saying all these horrible things and then tells me that he was lying about the girl he said he cheated on me with.. and he was just doing it so that I understood how he felt.Since then he expects me to somehow prove to him that I love him by not going out and drinking with my friends anymore.. He would text me all the time asking where I was or what I was planning on doing that evening if he wasn't with me. I always told him the truth, if I was going out, I was going out. I understand his mistrust with me but I dont believe its right to change who you are for someone. You can always try but in the end you turn back into being the same person..(Sorry this is so long, who ever of you are still reading, thank you so much!)Its been really hard lately because I found out about this medical problem of mine and its been hard to grasp. Lately I've been wanted to get drunk everynight just to blurr it out. This has upset him as well, because he doesnt understand why, if I'm upset I'd rather be drinking then hanging out with him. This, I cant really explain. Maybe, this is where he is right.But (and here's the last part) I went out a few days ago with a group of people and then when the clubs closed around 6am, I went to there place and stayed up playing football till about 3pm the following day. My phone had died on me so I couldn't get home to charge it up until later that evening. During all of this, my boyfriend was trying to contact me, and then flipped out when he couldn't so he called my brother (whose a cop) and he almost started filling out a 'missing persons form'. When I finally got back home and texted everyone to tell them I was alright, he left me a nice long letter ending it with me, and had taken all his things from my apartment home:(I understand why he was angry. And I feel horrible for worrying everyone, but I dont think its any reason to break up.. but all my friends are telling me that I was always fighting with him anyway and that this was probably the best answer for both of us. And.. considering I cheated on him, I dont think he'd ever trust me again.. and that sucks, I know thats my fault but it still sucks.. And right now I just wanna call him up and beg for him back but everyone keeps telling me that this is for the better.. and maybe, even a little part of me thinks the same thing too...And maybe, I already answered my question.. But I just feel so lost. We've got so much history together. Made so many plans for the future, I feel like I'm losing a huge chunk of me...
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 This is easy. You say you are completely different and you know it didn't work although you have tried to make the relationship work more than once. Breaking up is often painful even when the relationship is far from an ideal one, because you were part of each other's lives for quite a while, so you may now feel it's difficult to start fresh but as time goes by you will get more and more used to the idea that you had to part ways and yes, I think it is for the better. You have to do what is best for you, not necessarily what "feels" best at one moment or another. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. The two people, you and him, can maybe be happier and healthier with other people around, but it seems, not with each other because apparently you bring the worse in each other, thus the forever state of war. If you are not happy together even after trying hard, there is little point in going on like this, feeling miserable, feeling mistrusted, etc.The singlehood should do you both a favour. You can take the chance to review your way to act in a relationship, and work on being better and more responsible. Even if your phone died, you could have called him/your family from someone else's phone. One thing is to be a social drinker/drink on occasion and another to make a habit out of it. Your medical condition can be worsened perhaps by drinking? These are probably only two of the aspects that you should reconsider before engaging in another relationship, if you want it to work well next time. "I am what I am" has to go, when we are talking about things that are not part of your character or personality, and that you can try to improve in hope for a better life. As a heavy drinker, you will mostly attract people who visit pubs all day and night and have no life-goals, I'm afraid. Best wishes.
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