A
female
age
41-50,
*mandang1208
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years this June. We have a great relationship and have lived together for the past 2 years. I trust him and he has never given me a reason not to. We are very close and are best friends and lovers. 2 1/2 years ago I found an engagement ring in his closet when looking for something of mine. I was so excited and happy! Well 1 1/2 years went by and he still hadn't asked me. It drove me crazy waiting that year and a half and I could not take it anymore. So, I told him I had found it, very sweetly but also crying, I wanted to know what was holding him back. I asked him, and he said he's been waiting for the perfect moment and was suprised I had waited so long to ask him about it. Well another year has passed, I have bit my tongue, but he still hasn't asked. I know this sounds like I'm nosing around but luckily I was putting his clothes away about a week ago and found the ring in his bottom drawer while organizing his clothes. What should I do? I am at my wits end. I have never been married, I'm 30 years old, and he is 37 never been married. Is he unsure, is he STILL waiting for the right moment, and am I an idiot for waiting for him to do it for so long? HELP ME!!!!!
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 March 2012):
 Your guy is commitment phobic. It's not really about you, it's about him. Now that you are living together, there really isn't a "push" for him to get married. He's 38 and by now, in no hurry. At one time, getting married was a priority for him, he bought the ring for you. Now, time has passed and the pressure for him is off.
Does it mean he doesn't love you, NO. It's really all about him and his fear of marriage. I agree with the other posts, you now have a tainted moment regardless of when it will come. That moment is when he asks you to marry him. I think you should cool off, try to move forward in time until the hurt wears off. When it does, propose to him and when you are an old married couple, you will have this to be your special moment to remember when you are an old married couple.
Give it six months. If he says no, that he's still not ready then it really is time to move out and to move on. He knows he's hurt you and he knows the moment he picks will never be special and this whole thing may scare him off more.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 You love him, he loves you, the ring is bought.. pity I didn't answer before because the 29th February on a leap year (every 4 years) is the traditional day for women to propose to men. Ah well, that date is gone now.
Are you two gonna stay sad and angry, we are talking about two people in love who just haven't fixed the arrangements. Are you gonna leave and walk out the door, cry your heart out, find somebody else, a man you will never love, just because he likes weddings more..
Sigh, this is your life, it's more than a bloody wedding and a ring, it's about being with a man you love with all your heart for life. First post told you to propose to him, what's the problem with that. Give him a kiss, sit on his lap, say "Baby will you marry me, I'm tired of waiting so I'm proposing", then he'll go and get the damned ring he bought... bang, engaged, problem sorted, and you can start on your wedding plans.
Or you can wait for the anger and resentment to go, then you can wait for him to pick up the courage again, and you can sit there waiting and worrying about whether he loves you or not. I think there are so many more important things in life than to worry about who says what at the right time.
Go and propose to him and get this wedding thing started at last. Once your married you'll have more important things to do than worry about these unimportant details. If he don't want to get married then he will say no, or make some excuses about the wedding planning and then you will know.
A lot of men don't like to get married and if you give a little push, and sort things out, there surprised when their finally married and happy, they don't really know the pleasure it will actually give them, and that's why they don't hurry into these things.
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female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (1 March 2012):
 If you hadn't said your relationship had been going on fine, I would have asked you to leave him without an explaination. 2 1/2 years is totally unreasonable time for anyone to keep an engagement ring unless they're having second thoughts. Ask him straight out if he wants to marry you or not. If yes, when? Don't let him push it further than November this year. From June/July start talking about the plans for the wedding. Bookings, invitation cards, friends list etc. If he hesitates about the plans and arrangements, I say he isn't ready. I find it hard to believe that after 4 years and at 38 he's still so unsure of things. If that's his cross let him carry it alone. Tell him you're done waiting.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (1 March 2012):
The idea of being married is pretty scary to some guys, even when they have been in a serious relationship for a number of years. That is the best I can think of to explain your boyfreinds behaviour. Also I believe men don't relate to the need to show commitment the same way as women. He is, and he has been very happy and sees no need to change anything. I do think it a bit odd to have decided to get a ring and then not give it to you straight away. Sounds like you fear he is getting cold feet but that probably isn't the reason - as he said he was waiting for a special moment but I don't think he realises he has to make that moment! Sadly now that moment will be tainted. I suggest you tell him you need a special moment, getting married is far more special than giving a ring. Ask him to sit with you and pick a date, kiss on it, and tell him this is special enough! Don't be sad.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (1 March 2012):
 It's all up to you. How much longer do YOU want to wait? We all have a breaking point. Obviously you wouldn't want him to propose in a few days with all this negativity lingering as it would really dampen the actual engagement. At this point, I would have a number in my mind. If he doesn't propose by the deadline, you will have your answer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2012): wow- I'm not sure what to tell you that will be much help except to offer you some hugs. Here are my thoughts though in case it may help- I would be seriously suspect if someone bought a ring and didn't give it to me for that amount of time. I agree with you, that when you know you know, unfortunately not everyone arrives at that feeling at the same time. Still, he has had plenty of time to arrive there and as you said your relationship is really good so there is no reason I can see why he hasn't taken the plunge unless he has serious reservations now for some reason or he is just plain weird. Unfortunately now that you have had this discussion it changes things because I don't think a proposal will feel the same for you. But honestly I would not have been able to wait 2.5 years knowing someone bought a ring for me and didn't ask me- that is crazy imo. It's kind of passive aggressive and a slow torture.I guess you need to talk more about it with him and think what you feel about all of this. Will you be able to see him the same way now if he does go ahead and propose? What do you think?
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A
female
reader, amandang1208 +, writes (29 February 2012):
amandang1208 is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi everyone. thanks again for all the advice. Now i need more. i broke down yesterday morning and told him we needed to talk. i told him i neede to know why honestly he hadnt proposed yet. he started out saying ive been waiting for the right moment. thats when i started crying and said tell me another reason cause that bullshit is not cutting it anymore. well he told me pretty much he didnt want to rush into things and wanted to see how we did living together first. we have been living together for over a year i said. he said he knew that. i was so hurt. i explained to him that ive know for at least 3 years now that i knew he was the one. i told him ive never loved anyone like i love him. i also told him if i had got the ring im not sure if i could have waited a whole day before i asked him. thats how sure i am. i told him i was so hurt because this whole time i thought we were so close and i thought he felt the same way i did. he argued that he did. and i said the difference is if you were so sure about me u would have done it along time ago. he still argued and said he has been sure. he also made the comment that me or anybody else he would have proposed to he would have waited. i did not like the fact he compared me to anybody else and i told him that . he finally admitted he shouldnt have waited so long and even had the balls to say u know u have no idea whats going on i could have had something planned soon. he ended up going to bed acting a little down because he knew i was heartbroken and ive had all i can take. i told him i wasnt sure what to do now. i had been in la-la land thinking he was waiting for that perfect moment. now i know he didnt want to rush into things and wanted to make sure after he bought the ring 3 years ago. what do i do now? i'm so sad
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Very very strange. We just went this weekend and finished the details of my ring. It will be ready in about 3 weeks. The timing will never be right for me to propose (I have to do the proposal as per his request).
That being said, February 29 is the traditional time for a woman to propose to a man. It comes up every 4 years. It’s Wednesday. I am taking him to dinner and proposing. He will say yes… we just have waited for this special day…. Not a special time.
I would say that the ring is a fluke that it fits you especially if you have a common ring size… Something just does NOT feel right to me about this.
IF you really want to be married to this man, I strongly suggest that you take the bull by the horns. Propose to him and tell him you are ready. You WANT to commit to him and marry him and be a couple forever…
I don’t actually get the whole waiting till the time is PERFECT… it’s never perfect… there’s close enough to perfect…. And now is that time if you are ready.
If he has told you he wants to be married to you one day… what’s holding him back?
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (27 February 2012):
I can imagine being in this situation. Sounds like too much planning going on, and if you are happy together then which moment is going to feel right? Is he a bit shy? I don't believe in the whole man proposes to woman stuff. You both have a say and if I were you buy him a ring and tell him you can't wait for him to summonse the courage! Plan a nice breakfast in bed and spring it on him then when he certainly won't expect anything!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I'm not sure what is going on but clearly he bought the ring for you and he spent a lot on it most likely, so I would guess either he doesn't want to really be engaged and married now, or he is just plain weird and obsessive and he may never propose as that would make it a reality.
I say weird and obsessive because if you buy an expensive ring and then leave it in a closet for 2 years waiting for some imaginary moment that is definitely weird and obsessive.
If you want a "perfect" moment you have to take action to create it, you don't wait for it to happen. There is really no perfect moment and if you both love each other I'm sure whatever the moment is you will both be happy with it.
So yes, tell him this and tell him you want to be engaged and married by a certain time plan, you're done waiting- especially knowing that your ring is waiting there for you to wear it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): this is dearkelja again.
Is it possible he is waiting until the ring is paid off before he proposes? maybe he doesn't want to see the ring on your finger as a reminder of the payment he owes?
Otherwise, you should try to talk about the future and see what his drift is.
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A
female
reader, amandang1208 +, writes (27 February 2012):
amandang1208 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, Thanks so much for your answers. To answer some of your questions, I did not pick out the ring. The ring still had the price tag around it. Actually $5000.00. Not trying to brag, but no one would spend that amount of money unless they were sure when they bought it, right? Yes, I guess could have changed his mind after he got it. I hope not though. And it is my size. Yes, I'm bad, I've tried it on. He said he bought it for me, and after investigating, I found out he showed my brother and sister-in-law the ring a year and 1/2 go. I talked to my brother about it. That could be the reason he moved it. I don't know. Keep the advice coming, I need all of it I can get. Oh and the marriage issue has come up. We don't spend a lot of time discussing it but he has told me numerous times he wants to be married to me one day.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 February 2012):
My first question is: have you spoken about engagement and marriage? Do you know when he would like to propose, aside from the "waiting for the perfect moment"? Did he actually buy the ring for you, or is it a family heirloom, or an engagement ring that he had from a previous relationship?You say he is 38 and never been married. Has he been in serious relationships before? Has he ever proposed to someone prior to you? From what you write, he sounds like someone with commitment issues. If he bought that ring for you specifically and he has waited over 2 years to propose - there is simply something wrong there. I would love to think that he really is waiting for "the perfect moment" after 2+ years, but I am not a naive teenager. I don't know if he has gotten cold feet, if he has changed his mind, or marriage became less of a priority. If I were you, I would have a serious conversation with him and get to the bottom of everything. Let him know you don't want to wait any more than x amount of time. Let him know that you don't care about "the perfect moment" as it doesn't really exist. Put your wonder and worries aside with a chat.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 February 2012):
I am wondering if there is more going on that what he says. From your post, it appears that he 'moved the ring' from the original place. Why did he do this?
Is the ring a family ring or a new ring? Is the ring something you picked out or casually said "this is something I would want?"
Have the two of you talked about your future or about marriage? Is there an assumption in the marriage that you will be married one day? It is odd that he has waited so long to ask the question as there would have been so many perfect times.
With his age and the seemingly large amount of time that has gone by, I am wondering if this engagement ring is a remnant from a previous relationship, if it is not a family ring.
Instead of you asking him to marry you, I think you should approach the subject of the future of your relationship and perhaps bring the ring up again.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (26 February 2012):
 If he hasn't put up the effort and gotten the motivation and money together to create that "perfect moment" in two and a half years, he won't ever do it.
He's lazy. He's been waiting around for some ultra-romantic moment to come along and just make it "perfect" for him to propose? No. I don't think it's been his laziness. I think he bought the ring and CHANGED HIS MIND about asking you to marry him.
He's not going to ask you. If not in two and a half years after buying the ring, it's never going to happen.
If marriage is important to you, you need to talk to him about creating that "perfect moment" so he can propose and move on to the next chapter in your lives, or you need to move on and find another man who actually wants to marry you, for real.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 An engament ring sitting in the closet for 2.5 years , waiting for the right moment ?... Wow. Talk about being a perfectionist :)
I am split on this , 50-50. Well, maybe 60-40
My 60 % cynic says : major bullshit.He's stringing you along. The right moment is anytime you want something so badly that you can't wait anymore.
Then my 40% romantic self says : maybe it is really a big deal to him, maybe he is an uber-romantic guy and would like this to happen in some special setting that he can't afford yet.. some exotic island... some 5 stars resort...Maybe he has a particular scenario played up in his mind , that's difficult to bring about...
Either way, I'd say : take charge. Normally I 'm more for letting the man be the man, and do the courting, the chasing and the proposing, but : you have been together 4 years, he knows you have been patiently waiting for his proposal since a good while, you are both over 30, and at his age , after 4 years of dating, he SHOULD know whether he wants to marry you or not. The actual ceremony does not have to be tomorrow, but he should be able to make an official commitment for his future.
So, take the plunge and propose to him. Tell him that the right moment is now , because you don't need whistles and bells for your marriage proposal, just love and the will to share your life together. You have it , does he ? ..Better find out before other 2.5 years pass by.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Cook dinner, get out the candles, put on the romantic music, prepare a sign, and when he sits down, hold it up "NOW IS THE PERFECT TIME"
If he doesnt take the hint, pick up your pre packed bag and walk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): Something is wrong because there is no way it should take 2.5 years to find the perfect moment- feb 28 is fast approaching so you can ask him instead maybe?
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