A
female
age
41-50,
*uffy
writes:I have been with my partner for 13 years. I am 32 and he is 42. About a year ago we decided we were in a good position in our lives to have a family. We always said if we had children we would get married so we also decided we would do this as well. We have had our ups and downs like any couple and our sex lives have always reflected this. Last year everything was going really well and we had a healthy sex life but this year things got progessively worse. He doesn't like his job but he has been working towards being a professional musician and now has work lined up that will see him better off than he is in his current job. Despite me telling him to stay positive and that things would look up for him he took out his frustration with his job on me. He started being nasty towards me and saying things to deliberately hurt my feelings and make me cry. He shut me out of life and started to ignore me. I couldn't believe it was happening and as a result I have suffered months of mental abuse (a topic not discussed enough), I had a nervous breakdown and depression. He rejected me totally and the future with me. I've always been there for him and always supported him. Every time I tried to talk to him about what was happening I was met with more verbal abusive or I was just totally ignored. Sex became much less frequent as soon as I came off the pill, but then I found out he was looking at Internet porn. He spent 6 hours one day while I was out downloading images. He said he felt pressured by the 'baby thing' and he didn't think it was the right time yet. I didn't put any pressure on him, I wanted him to give up smoking but then so did he and he wouldn't discuss his fears of having a family with me. We almost split up but we he said he loves me, and he wants to have a family with me and get married, he is also being the kind and considerate man I remember. Our sex life has been a little better but because I have been depressed I'm not a very attractive person mentally or physically, but then he is the reason I've been depressed. I found out though that he is still looking at Internet porn. I've told him I wouldn't mind if he involved me. But every time I have gone out for the evening or have been asleep in bed he has been looking at porn on the Internet. He knows it upsets me he said he knows it hurts my feelings but he gets angry with me and says it's his right and he should be able to do what ever he wants in his spare time.I felt so unloved and rejected this year I I can't bear anymore but I don't want to throw away 13 years. How should I handle this?
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depressed, porn, sex life, split up, the internet, the pill, unloved Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): RUN as fast as you can away from this potetialy DANGEROUS relationship!! This porn thing has basically left my husband"impotent" He can not perform without viewing it first!! No intimacy between us for over 4 long years!! We do not even share a bed anymore. You worry about the years you have invested already but I guarantee you are going to waste more years of your life and end up in the same place-just older and lonelier!! PLEASE- Do not waste 30 years of your young life, like I did, for nothing. You will end up blaming yourself for everything and will have no self esteem left!! RUN.RUN.RUN-PLEASE!!!!
A
female
reader, zoeycee  +, writes (15 January 2010):
Trying to get him to go to couple's therapy is going to be your best bet. He sounds depressed. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (10 September 2007):
 First you need to understand that what someone says to you only takes form and causes depression, if you believe what he says. You need to stay strong for yourself. Tell yourself positive things, because you'll always believe yourself over everyone else.It's OK to give him positive encouragement, but how is he really viewing what's going on. If I'm down, experiencing job problems, where I personally don't see a positive change a head, no matter what you told me isn't going to change my view. The mental abuse needs to stop. He needs to realize, your together as partners and love has kept you together, and you are not the root the problems he is experiencing. He needs to learn how to direct his frustrations in a positive manner. Two people working together to accomplish is much more powerful than two people fighting and not getting anything done. He can use his frustration to empower himself to cause great change, or use it to ruin everything he is working toward.I live by this way of being. The positive creates positive, and negative blocks the possibility of positive. Think about a fight. If you verbally attack someone, can you really expect anything different than anger from them. It's a given, the way you comment determines the way they respond. Keep working on your depression. I've had it too. It's difficult to work through, but keep telling yourself, you're important.
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A
female
reader, ap  +, writes (8 September 2007):
Do you think he is worth it? If so, I would suggest couples counselling. Sometimes people can discuss things in counselling that aren't easily discussed otherwise. You have been with this guy for 13 years for a reason, and same with him. If he values the relationship then he should agree to this. If counselling doesn't help then you will know what to do. You don't want to be married to someone that ignores you and neglects your needs as a spouse and a human being.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Hunny,
We are here to learn, and so far you have experienced what your life would be like married to this man, His insecuritys led to your breakdown do you really think that this is going to be popped under the carpet and all will end up happy ever after, I dont think so love.
You have been through a horrible time in your life with the man who is supposed to love and respect you and protect you from pain and hurt...
You describe yourself as unattractive phycically and mentally, This is not the right relationship for you at all... See that clearly and then sweetheart you will start to heal and feel so much more possitive about how you veiw yourself, Dont feel that you have thrown 13yrs away see it as you have learned from those years, Start again by taking care of you I wouldnt stay love I think its time to go and find yourself and live for just you get your self esteem back and find that attractive kind hearted woman you no you can be and ones were TAKE CARE OF YOU LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Hi there,
I have to agree with others here, mental abuse is soul destroying and life is too short to live in the situation you find yourself in.
I cannot imagine he will change should you have a child together, you will still suffer from his abuse and it will be so much harder for you to walk with a child to think about. It doesn't sound as if he's that keen on having kids and getting married anyway, his treatment of you is pushing you away, can he not see that?
I guess you hold on to the hope he may change, but a child certainly won't make your relationship better or change him, it will tie you to a man that has little respect for you or your feelings.
You're still young enough to move on and start again, do it now, get your self esteem back and your self confidence and know that you deserve better than all this. You've given him 13 years, don't waste anymore time on someone who takes his insecurities out on you, be the strong one and change your life for the better, your surely going to be better off mentally and physically without him putting you down on a regular basis!
Put this relationship down to experience and bail out....
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, smeedle +, writes (23 August 2007):
 You need a long service medal for staying with this jerk for so long, he is bad news, I have managed womans refuges for years and he is showing all the signs of abusive behaviour.
Leave him now as soon as you can and please do not have a child with him, go straight back on the pill.
When life is down for him, to get back at life he puts you down, well stand upto him while you still have the mental strength to do so and walk!!
He is also showing signs of porn addiction and this will get only worse not better and by what he says he has not intention of giving it up.
Give him up!! go run like the wind and don`t look back.
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A
male
reader, mr. G +, writes (23 August 2007):
dump him and start over....
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