A
female
age
51-59,
*ivegirl
writes:I have been seeing a guy for 3 months after meeting on a dating site. We're both taking things slow as we've both been hurt before. He has just revealed that he is seriously in debt and I'm not sure what to do. Half of me wants to run as I can't get wound up in that sort of thing and the other half of me keeps telling me not to be so shallow and to support him! Help...what do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): I dated a guy who was in debt not sure how much though. Anyway he told me more or less at the beginning of the relationship and as it was a casual thing I didn't see it as a problem. After a few months together, it became difficult to see each other as he was always broke and always had something to pay off..insurance, credit card etc. So he'd spend nights in alone with no money and he got depressed about it. When we went out I sometimes offered to pay for him, meals, drinks and even the odd weekend away. When he did have some money he did reciprocate but I always seemed to be the one who paid for all the special things.Eventually I felt as though I was being taken granted, the final straw came when I actually found out his reason for being in debt was due to his compulsive gambling, which he had hidden from me so well in the beginning. It was so frustrating because I was crazy about him, but he would never ever be in a position to give me the relationship I was looking for, so in the end we parted. Find out why this guy is in debt first before you get involved.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2007): Hi there,
I guess there are a few things that are important here: How much is he in debt and based on how well you know him - is he likely to commit to paying it off?
Some people are great with their money, others seem to live through their entire life with debt hanging over them. Other's end up in debt, hate it and do everything to get back in the black. I think you need to suss out what kind of guy your fella is.
I think that financial responsibility is a good quality and usually is indicative of other personal strengths. I think if this man is in debt is doing nothing to get out then it can severely impact your own life later on - and for someone you've known for only three months I wonder if it is worth it. On the other hand, you don't really know him well enough to ask him to sort out his finances.
You said you're both taking things slow so I imagine that whatever you decide will be for the best. It's a shame his past / present may affect both your future, but any person who can see this should want to put things right as soon as they can so that it can be left in the past and you can then concentrate on the future. All the best with whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (23 April 2007):
 What you do next depends on what he's doing about his debt. How did he get into debt, and is/are those conditions still around? What is his long-term plan to pay everything off? Is he working his plan well, or is he still bleeding money? If he has a plan and he's working it, how long 'till he's in the clear?
He could be a wonderful man who had some bad circumstances and is moving on. But he could also be a man who's looking for someone to fix his problem so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for it. Do not be this person for him! Ask him the above questions, and really listen to his answers with your head not your heart.
You do not want to be in a position of tying your financial health to this man (say, marriage or living together) until he's in the clear. His debt is not your fault and it's not your responsibility. Do not support this man -- you need to see whether he can fix it. You're still early in this relationship, so hold yourself clear. Don't tie yourself to him (and his debt) until he's out of it.
You'll both be happier -- you, in case he can't get out, and him, so that at least one of you will have a clean credit history.
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A
female
reader, RaeRae86 +, writes (23 April 2007):
 ok, so i dont think you should dump him for being broke. he's made some mistakes, so what! who hasnt? How superficial are you going to look when you stop seeing him because he has no money and is in debt. Thats a touchy subject and if he told you about it then you should respect him for being honest with you. And maybe an old girfriend or someone from the past put him in this situation?
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (23 April 2007):
 Jivegirl
I understand your caution for not wanting to be involved in a financial crisis. But you are not in debt, it is your boyfriend who is in debt. Therefore his responsibility to clear it.
This guy has been honest to admit something very personal which is not easy.
My advice would be if you really like him, take things slow until he gets his financial situation sorted out.
The way I see it, financial problems and emotional needs are two separate issues. If people in debt are not "allowed" to date then millions of us in this country would be very lonely.
His debt should only be an issue that concerns you if you are expected to pay it with him and/or you prefer a high earner.
A lot of people get into debt, learn their lesson and now live life comfortably.
What to do? Only you know the answer. All I can do is give my opionion.
Angel of Love
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A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (23 April 2007):
 I would stop seeing the guy. You are asking yourself "What do I do?" because this man did not have the forethought and consideration to get his life in order before actively seeking dates. A considerate and good man would not place you in the position of making a decision like this.
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A
female
reader, trinity4neo1 +, writes (23 April 2007):
I don't think you'd be shallow in saying that you didn't want to get involved with this man any further - debt usually ends up as a problem for both sides in a relationship. It can definitely complicate matters when your trying to start out a new relationship. You could always say to him that you are willing to try & help him through his problems (but only if you mean it!) but you shall by no means be helping him out financially, it's just too big a thing for you to take on. Either way, this guy has been straight with you so try to be straight with him. It wouldn't be shallow for you to walk away, the fact that this man is in debt obviously casts a lot of shadows on how your relationship could develop, so just be open with him & tell him your concerns. I'm sure he'd be the same if the shoe was on the other foot. Good luck!
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