A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:One of my best guy friends has been ignoring the usual gang since he found himself a "girlfriend". Lets call her J. They are not officially together because she has a boyfriend who is studying overseas but she is cheating on him (physically and emotionally) with my friend. Honestly, I am disapproving of this relationship because she has a boyfriend to begin with. What makes me disappointed is how he readily casts aside this friendship that we have built over the past year,over a girl whom he barely knew for two months. Even when our group organizes outings, he agrees to show up, but backs out at the last minute or leaves early to go out with her. My friends and I have told him many a times to not be involved with someone else's girlfriend, not even when he treats her horribly because cheating is cheating and two wrongs don't make a right. I am close to giving up on this friendship. What should I do?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 Bit, are you upset because your friend is involved with a cheater, or because he's ditching the usual gang to spend time with her ?
It's different.
If you are morally repelled by his behaviour and this is something that you are adamant against, then I guess you'd have no other choice than consider the friendshup extinct. What you condone, you endorse. If you are fiercely against drugs, you do not hang out with a pusher, no matter how likeable he is on a personal level.
If you are just mad because he prefers spending time with his almost-girlfriend- eh relax. What do you expect , the man is in love or in lust, is in the throes of a new passion ( 2 months ) and knows ( or hopes ) that his old friends would be flexible and understanding and would still take him back with open arms and no harsh judgements if and when he wants to join them again. Let him be- being friends does not mean you own people, at times you also have to give them space, and the time and freedom to do their own thing- including making blunders.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 You don't have to give up the friendship entirely. Just stop inviting him out. The gang can go ahead and make plans for those who are present. If he gets wind of it and wants to be included, fine, but don't change the plans any to suit him. He either joins as is or he doesn't. his call, but don't make it sound like an ultimatum.
Let him chase you. We all know this secret affair will come to nothing but grief, for both of them. You've already told him what you think of all this and that's all you can and should do. The rest is up to him. Let it take its course and he'll eventually come to the same conclusion himself. The rest of you don't have to wait around in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 What would you do if your friend were a girl?? If you have a problem with his being an accomplice to her cheating, tell him. A friend who is a girl who constantly cancels because of a boyfriend should be confronted as well. And, you do have to make a hard choice over whether you are friends with cheaters.
I have a very hard time being close to someone who is knowingly cheating, because it sickens me to think about the spouse or partner being cheated on and having no idea of what is happening.
If it were me, I'd tell him that I'm not comfortable with his cheating, and while I'm his friend, I just can't hang around when it's going on.
Then step back and leave him to his business. He'll either keep being stupid or he won't. I only hope you don't have feelings for the guy, because I feel bad if you do given that he's just shown a major character flaw that for me would be an automatic dealbreaker and would cause me to disqualify him as any possible love interest. No cheaters, no way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 You sound more invested than a friend. If that was a female friend and not a male I would think your reaction would have been very different. I am sure his other friends don't like being stood up either, but the way its sounds is that for you this has become personal. Like you are fighting to get his attention.
If this was a female friend, you'd be going "she found a "boyfriend" and now she's standing us up! Should we stop arranging to see her or will this cool down". Not "How can I make him see this is all wrong and he should leave her", which is basically what you are saying.
Sounds like you're just mad he's got a girlfriend. You'd be equally jealous if she didn't use him to cheat, but was his completely. Because it sounds like.. well, you want him all to yourself.
Tell me, did he have a crush on you previously, but you turned him down? Because if that is the case then this is just jealousy and you need to back down.
If he's just a friend then you don't have a right to moralize his relationship. It's a free world. He gets to do what he wants to do, whether you like it or not. And some friendship, if you are going to only be his friend as long as he does what you approve of...
Seriously, if he's just your friend then back off and let him carry on. People need to make their own mistakes. And if he's just a friend, you shouldn't get so worked up about this..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): Really, it isn't any of your business. We will all make a bad judgement when it comes to the heart.
Don't get me wrong; you do have a right to be honest and offer your opinion and advice. You can't control what he does. If you really disapprove of his behavior, and he seems to have neglected the old crew; I guess there is no other option, but to nullify his friendship.
He is more interested in sex with that girl, and doesn't value your friendship enough to offer you guys the time and attention friends deserve. So cut your losses. That is, if you feel the friendship isn't salvageable.
He'll come crawling back when his little affair hits a snag, or it's over. He's being used as a fill-in/substitute boyfriend, and will be cut loose the minute the real one returns. When that happens, he will need all you guys.
Just put him on hold and wait. He's making the mistake of his life, and it will have negative consequences. You have all been good friends and warned him. Sometimes we have to let even our best friends make their stupid mistakes, and just be there to catch them when they fall. And he will.
You may meet some bloke nobody likes, or friends feels he isn't right for you. It's your choice to make. Not theirs. So try not to judge him too harshly. Stand by your values. I'm not suggesting that you don't; because they are correct.
For the time being, write him off. File him under "missing in action." He'll come home with his tail between his legs.
Trust me on that. Take a little satisfaction in knowing that you told him so; but that's what friends are for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): Nothing, our friends make mistakes, do stupid shit and as long as they don't mess us about or drag us into their mess then it's on them to deal with it. You'll fuck up in life too, OP, do you want to be ditched by your friends every time you do? Because you will have major fuck ups like we all do.
OP I have more than one friend who's a serial cheater. That betrayal of trust only extends to their partners for them. They've never been anything but a good friend to me and would never cross that line with me, so I can trust them and have no reason to ditch them regardless if I feel it is morally wrong.
This only happens because they also accept my view on it and they don't boast about it or try to excuse their behaviour. They don't do it intentionally to fuck over the one they're with either so it's not a friendship ruining deal for me.
OP when it comes to romance people do some amazingly shit things, it makes us do crazy things and as long as that crazy thing wasn't done to me then it's nothing to do with me.
As for the breaking off plans thing, I think everyone has less time for friends when they start dating and stuff, it's kind of normal but it is ignorant to make plans and break them so don't put him in that position by inviting him to anything anymore.
In my view, OP, it's just as much on you to ensure his shitty decisions don't become something that ruin your friendship by not dealing with them with some distance.
If he's a good friend to you in all other ways then let him make his mistakes and feel free to call asshole on him as much as you like because he deserves it.
OP don't give up, but don't try either if you know what I mean. Just let him do his thing. If I'd left any friend who ever did something shitty I'd have none left, but I will distance myself from it too. They know not to bring me into the kind of stuff, not use me as an excuse or alibi, they know to respect me and for that they retain my loyalty.
If he's a good friend wait it out. Protect your friendship by letting him make his mistake without judgement. As long as he doesn't make it your business then it's really not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2014):
 I would step away from this friendship for now. If you have already (and both you and your shared friends ) have told him what he is doing is something you don't morally agree with (and I agree with y'all).
I would just let him be on his own "with her" and maybe he will realize that what he is doing isn't a good thing.
Would I cut him off completely? Not really, but I would invite him to anything for a good while, I wouldn't call/text to see what's up. But if he got back in touch needing a friend to tell him:" I told you so".. or "well that suck". I'd be there for a good friend. We all make mistakes and moral blunders.
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