A
female
age
36-40,
*opeless21
writes:Ive been involved with this guy (b) who is 16 yrs older than i am, our relationship began my i cheated on my ex (A) with him, but my ex (A) was cheating and treating me badly before i met this guy and i use to complain and tell him what was bothering me and he didnt care and so that was the start of my affair with my current boyfriend or whatever he is. After A and i broke up which i was physically abused, I eventually went with B, he was the one who helped me through that horrific ordeal. This was over 5 years ago but since then B has turned on me and cheated repeatedly, he has me wrap around his finger, its so bad that even when i know he is lying i always fall for his lies and excuses. B loves to cheat with tourist because he is a taxi driver, his ex before me if from the UK and everytime she comes back to the island he cheats on me with her and when she is gone its on to the next woman who gets in his taxi. He has disrespected me in every possible way, if you think it, he did it and i still stayed with him. Now during the time A abused me B thought i wouldve jumped straight with him I didnt because my mind was turned from men at first i hid myself from the world i had to be counselled. after that i met another guy who i really liked and we started a relationship, which B didnt like because he thought i was going to go straight in a relationship with him. However B has never forgiven me for that and he sleeps around with all this women and then tells me im the one who started it and he is going to continue it. Recently our relationship had been up and down he bought a woman to stay in my neighbourhood and shacked up with her for 3 months he later came back with me, all the while he was with her he treated me as if i was the outside woman wanting to sneek around with me etc, texting me and saying he loves me and he is only doing what he is with the woman to get back at me. anyhow recently he just up and left the island for the Uk without telling me, i spoke with him while he was at the airport and he lied and said he was there to do a pick up for the hotel, i had no idea he was living, i dont know how long he has gone for, who he is with nothing. im devasted and hurt and feel deceived yet again. our relationship he has physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. and he blames me for his action. my friends n family are angry that i keep going bavk to him but i need help to get over him. Im constantly asking myself why whould he do this to me, the things he has done he has never done to no other woman. i feel as though im losing it. after all he did to me i keep going back. I also recently lost my job and he does nothing to help me and i still cook and sex with me and for him. i need help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): You are drawn to painful and abusive relationships. The worse you are treated, the more deeply you seem to feel for the man hurting you.
You form a strong emotional-attachment to these men, and nothing they do to you seems bad enough to make you leave them. You need their validation, and you want them even more; if they show signs of rejecting you for other women.
You did mention counseling; but you must not have stayed with it. That is usually because you are being repeatedly told you have to remove yourself from the relationship.
You must have decided to remove yourself from counseling instead. Either that, or just paid no attention to your therapist.
People often ignore counseling; or feel it is not working if it demands them to do something they don't want to do.
It is unfortunate that many cultures foster and condone the mistreatment of women. Offering them no refuge or protection. Somehow I think that is why you've nearly given up. Surrendered. I wouldn't be surprised, if you watched your own mother go through the same thing. You are still young enough to break the cycle. It's going to take work.
You have to focus on finding yourself a job. You are now in a more dependent and vulnerable state. I would even speculate your personal problems found its way onto your last job, and effected your job-performance. Absences, tardiness, depression, and loss of concentration.
That will also delay the process of finding work. You are in a broken mental-state, and you really should seek help. Not reach out to the men who mistreat you to care for you. They won't. They will use you, and leave you in your helplessness. They don't care. You offer them your servitude and sex in exchange for allowing you to cling on to them. They give you grief in return. Yet you don't see it.
You're hitting bottom. Please go back for counseling, seek some solace and assistance from your family.
You no doubt alienated your own family by being with these men. They'll just get fed up with watching you suffer from your own choices. You pulled away; because you get tired of people judging and blaming you for your mistakes. You must be terribly exhausted. My heart truly goes out to you.
Find an organization for abused and homeless women. Get whatever resources you can to find shelter and keep food on the table. You have to attend to your most basic needs. Go back to counseling, even to a local church; if they offer free help. You need to rebuild your strength and self-esteem. You've been down a very rough road all alone.
It's time you put yourself first, and go without men during the process. They have been your reason for living. They have also lead you to where you are now. If you choose the wrong type, they will drive you to ruin. You are still quite young. Once you hit bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. Find shelter and counseling; and rebuild your life.
That means you need to stay away from men; until you can make rational decisions, and regain your independence.
Those losers will never take care of you.
They will use you until you are just a pile of quivering flesh. So far, that has happened; because you let it. You should not feel hopeless. You have strength you have not used. You thought a man is where you needed to go for it.
My dear, reach inside of yourself. It's there. Men never gave it to you, nor did they take it away from you. You've never used it. Always look to your spiritual side; when things bring you to hopelessness. Sometimes it isn't as bad as it seems. Don't give up. Fight! You must survive!
A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (15 April 2014):
I think the problem here isn't your boyfriends, its you. There are a lot of assholes out there, and its your job to avoid them. I know that sounds harsh but what's the point of me being critical of your boyfriends? Everyone knows they were jerks, including you.
It can be hard to leave someone, but sometimes you just gotta do it. The pain of being with them will be there until you leave. The pain of leaving them will go away in a few weeks or months.
Also, their poor treatment of you only reflects on you because you chose to accept it. But you didn't deserve it and nothing you did "asked" for it. You just had assholes for boyfriends.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 April 2014):
 The question why are you still with him. You know what he is doing to you but you still stay around. Is this self inflicted punishment.
Loose the garbage bag and get help as abused woman struggle to move on without having someone to help them. I don't suggest finding another man right now as you seem to be in a vicious cycle and need to take a break from relationships and learn to work through your emotions until you are strong and not emotionally or otherwise dependent on a man. Get out of the relationship now and get help. He is destroying your self respect, your confidence and making a fool of you.
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