A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 43, divorced and I've been on the dating scene for 6 years. I started dating this guy a couple of months ago. For the first time since i've been single again, I feel like I found a true match and things were going great. But we are having a little problem in the bedroom department. He's been unable to perform.I'm really upset about this because it is too early in our relationship to work thru a problem like this. So this puts me at a crossroads: Do I stick around and hope this is a temporary glitch, or do I break it up now before we get too close?He has an erectile dysfunction. This has only happened twice (out of a total of 3 times). The first time I didnt worry about it as I thought it was a one off. But the second time this happened I realized that there may be a problem and I know I cannot deal with it if it is serious. I have to be honest with him and with myself.He's 40 years old, very fit and with no other health problems as far as I know. This has to be a psychological problem, not physical. I am 99% certain of that, as I have seen him perform properly once. This is the first relationship he has after breaking up with his partner of 20 years, so there maybe be a bit of anxiety there. He seems to be as surprised as I am about his inability to perform. So all the signs indicate that this is just a temporary glitch, and I so want to believe that....I have a lot of emotional baggage of my own. I don't know what to do. Please don't judge me as being insensitive. I just want to hear from someone who may have been in a similar situation and whether it was an indication of a serious problem or just a temporary issue.Thanks in advance
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): Thank you so much, NotMyName. Your answer is what I secretly wanted to hear but was afraid to hope for :-)
He really deserves a chance and I'm gonna give it to him.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 Take heart and dont give up just yet. My previous partner of 18 years and I tried to have sex after a couple of months and it took nearly that long again (daily attempts too)to actually get the deed done coz he kept losing his boner right at the point of entry. It seemed rather inexplicable too, esp since I actually knew his 2 previous partners and know there was no issues there. Just with me, ... but ya know what it was, ... he was so head over heels with me, and wanting to please me so much, that performance anxiety kicked in and that was the end of that. Once over the hurdle I can assure the equipment worked fine for the rest of out time together without a single glitch. Give him a chance - you know it works, you've seen it, what ever is going on is most likely just in his head at the moment and will get resolved in time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): Thanks. I would never belittle him. I know this is not his fault. He only gets encouragement from me. The doubts I'm having are because I'm not so sure how much hope I should actually give him, when my decision to stick around or walk away actually depends on whether this is a temporary issue or an ongoing thing that I would have to deal with indefinitely.
I also know that this is not my fault. It would be a childish reaction to try to blame myself or to think I don't turn him on. He has made it very clear and he shows it all the time with his actions that he deeply cares for me and that he's totally turned on. That's why it is so difficult for me to cope with this. I want to feel the same way about him. I want to be swept off my feet, like he's clearly trying to do. But I can't feel that way if he can't make love to me properly.
We have only been dating for 2 months. We haven't had time to build a proper bond. We have only tried to have sex 3 times. 1 success and 2 failures. He says this has never happened to him before and he's totally shocked. I want to believe that really badly. He's worth the effort.
I guess I just feel cheated by fate and I'm having a little tantrum. God only knows how much heartbreak I have endured in the past 6 years. Now I find my prince and I can't fall in love with him because he can't make love to me.
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A
male
reader, Flashbacks  +, writes (6 January 2010):
I have difficulties with ED that is a side effect from medication that I take. I have dealt with this issue with two different women: the first, who thought it was her fault, so to protect herself, she belittled me about the problem and needless to say, that one didn't last too long after that; and my current gf, who was very patient and understanding about my issues. Performance anxiety may be a problem as well, especially at the beginning of a new relationship. My advice is, like the others have suggested, to encourage him to seek medical advice to determine if there is a physiological cause. I had to talk to my doctor, which was embarrassing to do, but the ED meds do help. I also tapered my dosage of the medication that causes the problems to the lowest dosage that I can stay on with good success. However, this took many months to accomplish, so again I'm glad that my gf was patient and understanding. If you care about this man, it would be in your best interest to be very patient and understanding with him. Yes, I know it must be frustrating, and the natural instinct is to blame yourself (e.g., I must not turn him on, I must not be sexy enough, his ex got him off and I can't, etc.), but just imagine what he is going through. If you find that you cannot handle it, please do the merciful thing and let him go. I wouldn't belittle him about it, as this will crush his self-esteem and make it a lot worse for him (I know, I've been through this), and he will probably not regard you very highly anymore. Hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): Thanks for your feedback.
Part of the problem is that I am not really willing to work with him if this is a long term issue. It is too early in our relationship. We havent had time to create a bond thats strong enough to withstand something like this.
But I don't want to throw away the chance of a wonderful relationship. It is so rare to find someone with whom you can have a real connection. This is the first time in 6 years that I feel that I have found someone who's right for me. This certainly doesn't happen every week.
If I prolong this in the hope that things will get resolved and they don't, I will end up breaking it up anyway and causing a lot of pain in the process.
It is also very difficult to be unable to discuss this with any of my friends. Out of respect for him, I cannot speak to anyone in my circle about this. If our relationship ended up being a successful one in the future, I would feel really bad thinking that someone else knew about this problem. He doesnt deserve that. It has to stay between him and me. So I can really use some friendly advice from you all.
Thanks for listening.
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A
male
reader, LessonsLearned +, writes (6 January 2010):
Just talk about it honestly. He should see his doctor to make sure it isn't a medical condition. Being fit doesn't mean there can't be some medical issue causing the problem. If he's healthy and its an anxiety issue, then a temporarily taking viagra or cialis could help him "get over the hump".
Just tell him your willing to work with him on this as long as he's willing to work with you to fix the issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): Thanks, CaringGuy. I hope you're right.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 January 2010):
Most erectile dysfunction is only a temporary glitch that's caused by anxiety. Sometimes it can be something worse, but since he's healthy, you'll find it's to do with the split and he's worried about getting close. I think if you stick around for more time, you'll find it should get better because he'll relax more. I think it's just temporary.
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