A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am planning to settle down with this guy as I really want kids (I've wanted them for years) and I'd like someone to help bring them up. I've been dating for a few months and found out that he has erectile dysfunction. I am not in love with him but am very fond of him and we have loads in common. I am in my mid 30s If you were in your mid 30s and felt your time was running out and you weren't likely to find a partner and have kids would you settle for a man who was likely to father your children but not be able to satisfy you in the bedroom. Or would you not get together with him but run the very real risk of missing out on the chance of having children. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (28 July 2017):
"I am not in love with him"
I think you just answered your question.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 If you don't love him then don't try and trap him in to having children with you. You can use a sperm donor or freeze your eggs until you meet someone you want to bring up children with and love.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (29 May 2017):
 You say you are not in love with him. He has ED so he can't even fulfill the sexual part. So why be romantically involved with a person who fulfills none of the basic romantic criteria. He maybe a nice guy but if that is the criteria for a romance then why not some other nice guy? Basically I'm saying that theee is no base for any romance here. Let this go and move on.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 May 2017):
 Never Ever even think about marrying a person you are not in love with and who is sexually incompatible with you. That is dishonesty to the highest degree. Every minute you spend with him is a lie. Sooner or later you will break his heart. It is much better that you do that befory he is committed to supporting you and the children YOU desire for 18-26 years.
I can't believe you are so cold and calculating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): It seems to me you want to settle down with him because you desperately want kids.But all your boxes are not checked off.You might think so but not the case.You are SETTLING. And one day, you will regret it.I did the same thing.Married a nice guy on paper. Did it to please my family. I liked him, thought I loved him or it was just me trying to convince myself. He was husband material and I settled.But the spark was never there. The PASSION.I learned the hard way that if you settle for somebody who is just okay and you think they will fit the bill okay, then someday okay will turn into making the wrong choice.Because if you start with OK, over the years, the OK will erode.Wouldn't you rather start with a guy you LOVE, with intense passion and strong chemistry? All that fades anyway but you want to start out strong and keep it as strong as you can.If it's watered down, it will never get any better.But if it's passion, your passion will sustain your connection through the up's and down's of married life. And it will help you remain together for the long run. It will help you weather any storms together. Love and passion are glue.I think you need to rethink your future with him. It has been only a few months so either way you are jumping the gun. Just enjoy the relationship. Take all this pressure off it. You seem so clinical about it.You are STILL young and no, he is NOT your last hope. There WILL be other men.So, if you do not have the man you are looking for - ask yourself if he is and be honest with yourself - then you should walk away now.You are clouded by your wanting to have kids so bad that you are settling with him. You like the thought of him but you are not in love with him.When you get married and have kids with a man, you should love him with all your heart and soul. If you don't, don't fool yourself. You will end up alone anyway. With kids. No husband. Your marriage will eventually fail if it is based on just a goal and if you are already unsure and trying to convince yourself. Bringing kids into the picture is not a good decision when you only like a guy and think there is nobody else out there. You are going to be resentful once you have the kids and even though you may love being a mom, you are going to feel empty as a wife. And longing for real love and passion. Which he can never give you. And you always knew it. Then you will be stuck. Provide kids with a healthy foundation. That begins with having love and a strong connection with their father.Life is too short to live it watered down.Think about it long and hard.I think you know the answer.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 May 2017):
 While I am a firm believer that people tend to settle down with the person who is around AT THE RIGHT TIME (i.e. at the time THEY feel they want to settle down), this man does not sound like a good long-term partner for you - except as someone to impregnate you and be a friendly male role model for your children. It does not sound like there will be any real love or passion in your life so you will be forfeiting that for the possibility of being a mother (no guarantees even for that).
You never know what or who is round the corner. If you settle for this half relationship and then meet someone who really lights your fire, you will have no strong bond with your partner to balance this possible distraction. You will feel resentful that you settled for less.
I understand the urge to be a mother is strong but you have to balance this against what you may be giving up. In your shoes I would wish this man well and let him go to find someone who really loves him. Then go and find someone who you feel strongly enough about to want to spend the rest of your life with.
Good luck. I hope it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2017): Also hormonal disorder and male menopause can cause ED. Only a doctor can tell.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 May 2017):
 He would be nothing but a sperm donor and child support payer for you. I don't think that's fair on him or your future children. Children are for life, so if you want to committ to having them, at least try for them with a partner who you will also be willing to commit to for life. And a man you're not in love with, who can not satisfy you in the bedroom, is not a man you will be happy with or who you will have a lasting relationship with. Thus if you try to have kids with this man, I can guarantee you you will end up as a single mom. And there goes your plan for "someone to help raise them".
If your clock is ticking, but you're unable to find a suitable mate (and not just a sperm donor), then I would suggest doing it on your own using an actual sperm donor.
Think about what is best for your future children also, and not just about you wanting kids. Will they be happy to hear you never loved daddy? Will they be happy when you decide to leave daddy, or worse: cheat on him because he can't satisfy you sexually? Will they be happy with separated parents and having to move between houses to be with dad occasionally, and then mom occasionally? And potentially having half siblings here and there as a result? Just think about it from their point of view.
For me, I would much rather go without any children of my own, than having a child with the wrong man.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2017): You haven't shown his age. Is he in the same age group as you? If he is then the ED can be either physical or psychlogical. e.g Cardiovascular problems can cause ED where not enough blood is pumped to the penis to achieve erection. Also an enlarged prostate gland or diabetes can prevent erection. Whereas psychological issues such as anxiety,fear of not being able to perform or even feeling of inferiority due to small penis size, or pardon me, he may not be too much into you and he doesn't want to get too involve with you.
I think you should convince him to see a physician, he might prescribe viagra to overcome the issue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2017): Are you just settling and giving-in to defeat for the lack of hope? You don't belief that you can find someone you can truly care for; who reciprocates all that you feel and can give? Who can provide you with all those things you need in a relationship?
Go ahead! Just because life doesn't give you what you what in the time-frame that you think you should receive it; doesn't mean it will never come. SO JUST GIVE-UP!!! Take a man into your life just for the sake of having one. You don't really love him, it's better to have any man than no man at all. Right?
Absolutely not!!!
You know what happens when you do that? You start to resent him. Your frustration turns into bitterness, and you'll say and do mean things to him. You'll vent all your hostility on him; because you're not happy and somehow that will all become his fault.
Unless he'd would be happy to being a platonic friend; don't try to turn it into a romantic relationship. You want sex, intimacy, and children. Being a martyr is unnecessary.
Continue dating other men, socializing, and have faith. Maybe you should work on your outlook and overcome the desperation that seems to be getting the better of you. Finding a good match is process that requires patience. Those who don't have patience end-up unhappy and a series of failed relationships. The point is to seek a match that works.
Does he deserve to give his heart to someone who took him because she felt he's better than nothing? How would you feel if someone used you like that?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 May 2017):
 If all you want is a kid, I'd use a sperm donor. I don't think it's fair to him to "settle" for him and I don't think it's fair to you either.
If sex means LITTLE overall to the both of you, then sure. Not sure I'd be to keen on being a guy's "broodmare" or a guy would be too keen on being a "stud".
Let's take the age out of the picture. If you were 30 (not 35) would you pick him? Probably not. So why now? Becuase you feel desperate? Or you think you can't "get" better fast enough to have a kid with the guy?
Why does he have ED? Has he seen a doctor for it? Is the psychological or physical? Do you even CARE enough to know? Know what I mean?
Is the "no sex" the only down-side to this guy?
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 May 2017):
 You can always get a sperm donor to have children, but you should not pretend to love a man just to have a baby daddy who is around. You've only been together for a few months, let him go!
Not only that, but ED can be medically helped in most cases - penises also aren't necessary for good sex.
I think you need to figure out what you want here. Either be a single mum and get a sperm donor or find a man you love and build a proper foundation together (over a year) before trying to get pregnant. Do not settle because you both deserve to be with people who love you back.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 May 2017):
 He sounds like he'll make a great friend. I don't think you should settle. I think you should keep looking. Find someone you have great chemistry with and who can and want to have children with you.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 May 2017):
 If you even have to ask this question he's not the right person for you.
Why would you ever just settle for someone for the sake of it?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 May 2017):
 If you're not in love with him what's the point?
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