A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a really great boyfriend but for some reason I don't trust him. He hasn't really done anything to deserve this. What are some ways I can get over my insecurities? I want to talk to him about it so he knows I feel this way but I don't want him to think I'm attacking him since he's done nothing wrong. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2012): Hi again,More thoughts...Thank you, the additional information you have provided now definitely makes it easier to pin point the reason for your insecurity. It's because you both got together after breaking up with your significant others, so now I believe you fear the same happening to you, no matter how serious you may become, because it happened in his previous relationship.There are no guarantees in life, we all know that. We also can't control anyone else. The only thing we can do, is be our best, and give our best to our significant other, and if it's true and real, it may bear the test of time. Perhaps there were things missing in his previous relationship, no matter how serious, that once the connection with you began, you may be THE ONE. The same holds true for him, with you. Also, no two people are the same, and no relationship is the same, the dynamics always change, so who knows what the future holds.Sometime when you are both having a relaxing time, broach the subject and see if he also has these thoughts and fears. He may think the same about you. Talk about it, share how the way you two met, and your friendship grew to the relationship it is now, you fear the same happening in future. Give him the opportunity to reassure you, as you can do the same for him. I would say the best is still to be your best self, be and do the best for him too, and be happy. As the saying goes, if you love something, set it free, if it comes back, it's yours, if not, it was never meant to be.So enjoy your life, appreciate him and what you both have, and give him freedom to be himself, to pursue his goals and dreams, and he will continue to want to be with you, to share everything with you - the highs and lows and everything inbetween. Best Wishes,xxxx E
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I should add something that may be important. When we both met, we were in other long distance relationships. Mine wasn't as serious but his was. We got together everyday and innocently hung out with one another. The more time we spent together, the more we realized the relationships we were in were not working and when we both decided to break up with our significant others (neither one of us even talked about it to each other...it coincidentally happened at the same time) we both revealed our feelings for each other. I suppose I feel like we were in the wrong because we spent so much time together while seeing other people but we were never romantic. We both thought each other wanted a "brother, sister relationship" I think this may be one of the reasons I find it hard to trust...because maybe what we did was wrong? We simply were in love and that was the only way we knew how to deal with it. I hope he doesn't meet someone else? More thoughts?? :/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): I'm glad to hear you have a great boyfriend. The fact he hasn't done anything to merit your not trusting him, must come from something or someone else. Did someone hurt you in the past and it's only coming out now? Sometimes that happens, especially when we're with someone good who we feel safe with, and can allow "Pandora's Box" to be open (heal from past hurts).
The best way to get over insecurities is to talk about it with him, so go ahead and tell him. Anything out in the open, sheds light and pushes the fears away. Your boyfriend can then be sensitive to this about you, and help you through it (support and encourage you). The best is always: communication. Make sure he is aware it's not him, it's how you feel and ask for his help.
Also, you may fear losing him because he is so great, so have an agreement with him that 'no matter what' you will always talk and fix anything - that way, it allays your fears about him leaving.
Lastly, work on yourself - your confidence, your self-esteem, and your life. Have hobbies and interests so that you have your own independence and have more to share with him, which keeps it interesting. For self-esteem and confidence, there are many articles on various websites that can assist you with that.
Wishing you much joy with your boyfriend. Remember to appreciate him, and be good to and for each other.
xxxx E
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A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (18 January 2012):
 From personal experience, talking about it is the best thing. He might get upset about it but you have to approach it in the right way and be calm and collected.
Instead of jumping right into "i don't trust you" and all that, you should talk to him about what is making you feel this way and get him to open up.
Say things like "i've been feeling like...." and explain why you are feeling the way you are so he gets the picture.
Trust is what relationships should be based on and is an important foundation. You can see what is happening all over the world with the problems caused by a lack of trust.
It might be awkward at first but you will both feel better and it will strengthen your relationship as you become more open and honest with yourselves and each other.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): First of all, you have to figure out WHY you have these trust issues. A common source is abuse or cheating from a past relationship, but it can come from many sources. First and foremost, spend some serious time thinking about YOUR feelings and WHY you have the trust issue in the first place. This is the first step and you must take it before you can do anything else.
That being said, I do think you should talk to him about it. However, be careful how you approach it. I'd say, find a comfortable place and time when you'e both under relatively little stress. Don't approach him as he walks in the door late or as he packs his bag to leave for the day, for example, as you will end up being accusatory. You want to have an open discussion, not an argument and an accusation fight.
Assuming you know what causes your feelings, you might think of a sincere, honest and gentle way to explain this to him. For example, something along the lines of: "In my past relationships I was cheated on a lot, so sometimes it might be hard for me to not get nervous about things. It's not that I don't trust you, but sometimes it's hard to forget and things trigger your past." If he's a decent guy, he'll at least try to understand, and might even try to help you.
Either way though, YOU have to sort out these issues yourself. You did say yourself that he's done nothing wrong, so remember that when your mind starts concocting scenarios. I myself have been hurt many times in horrible ways in past relationships, and I sometimes worry about my current GF's feelings for me, but when I stop and think about it clearly, I can see she's done absolutely nothing to cause me to distrust her, and everything to try to improve anything I've ever said is bothering me. I also told her about my past relationships and now she tries to help me not only get past the trust and hurt problems but even to see my past relationships in a good light, even to laugh once in a while over them. I know she wants me to be happy and I value so much that she works with my issues and not against them. I hope your man can do the same for you.
I know it may sound cliche, but if your trust issues are REALLY serious (for example, you'd be willing to wrongly spy on him over a completely innocent act) then you might want to seek out some professional help.
Best wishes!
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