A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my Other Half (OH) for 2 years and have really felt as though he is the one. I've trusted him completely and yet the other day, when I silenced an alarm on his phone, I see Facebook messages between him and another woman that he always 'just goes for coffee With. I know they met on a dating site so he clearly liked the look of her anyway but said that she wasn't for him, and didn't continue with any more dates or a relationship.Then the night before a big holiday, he took me out for my birthday meal and he started texting this woman at the table. I didn't know it was her but I was annoyed that he was texting someone else anyway. So when I silenced the alarm on his phone the next day and see that he has been talking to her saying that he can guarantee that we won't last and how he would have rather spent that previous evening with her rather than me because I am boring... he sent her a picture of me asleep next to him in bed saying that I'm boring and asked her for a picture.I feel so betrayed. I have felt awful about this and yet continued to go on holiday that we had planned to see if it would help us sort things out but yet he was still very disrespectful even though in the dog house! He says it isn't cheating and I need to ask myself why he has been saying this to her... I feel as though it is emotionally cheating as he would rather be spending his time with her than me and I feel as though there is no loyalty. Trust has been broken and there is no excuse to speak with anyone like that.... so why should I be blaming myself? I work 1.5 times longer each day than he does, I cook, I clean, I let him do whatever he wants to do and I fit in and around his life when convenient for him. I do not feel respected nor do I feel a priority and yet I still want it to work.What do I do to get over this?Thank you x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2018): Thank you to everyone here for your advice and support.
I have listened and have walked away and now battling heartache. Definitely one of the worst feelings in the world, however it is the right decision and I will look forward to the day where I am over it all!
Thank you again and best wishes to you all x
A
male
reader, wise.beyond.my.years  +, writes (20 November 2018):
Get rid of him. As a guy, I know exactly what's going on here. Let me tell you this, when a guy is truly in love, he doesn't want to talk to other women.
If he actually said that he guarantees that you will be breaking up, then you should make that happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): I would add something to all the other great advice and observations you have received. The second I found out he invaded my privacy by taking a pic of me while sleeping and sending it to this girl and then calling me boring, I would have kicked his butt to the curb in a New York minute.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 November 2018):
 You have recieved great advice from other people on this, so basically you know in your heart of hearts what you need to do.
I would advise ending this relationship sooner rather than later, i feel the longer you leave it the harder it will become.
The way he has been treating you is disgusting, and him texting another woman while he was out to dinner with you should enough is enough, espessially as you later found out what he wrote.
Leave him, you can do so much better, there is someone out there who is just waiting to shower you with all the love and attention that you so rightly deserve.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 November 2018):
 The only thing to do is end it.
Why would you be thinking of how to get over it? You’ve caught the guy red handed disrespecting you to another woman that he met on a dating site. Why should YOU be changing how you are to suit him? If he doesn’t like what you have to offer then you’re not compatible. Let him spend all the evenings he likes with this other girl. Get rid, block his contact and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): What a piece of trash this sorry, pathetic loser is! Texting another woman in front of you during your birthday meal? Sending her a picture of you sleeping, saying you're boring? What more do you need, OP? END IT NOW. Before this guy finishes you off. And destroys the very last shred of dignity you have left. Trust me, when the others don't work out, he'll come running back and when he sees you no longer give a shit, he'll regret it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): I suspect you've seen signs of deterioration in your relationship for a long-time. There has to be long-standing unresolved-issues between you.
You say he's emotionally-cheating?!! Seriously?!!
You're in denial. You pretend nothing is happening, hoping it will all go-away! Thinking nagging and arguing will straighten him out. He uses the old predictable cliche moves. Pretend you're out of your mind, and deny everything!
He's already declaring to another woman how bored he is with your relationship. He doesn't even bother to delete his messages, knowing you have access to his phone message history.
Just the fact you didn't have his clothes packed and waiting in garbage bags and suitcases after you read those messages; is an indication you look the other-way, because you refuse to let-go. Thus he openly displays his disrespect and insults your intelligence; hoping you'd just end it. He knows if he tried to leave, you'd go into an emotional-crisis; and be totally clingy and resistant. You think being pliable and submissive will please him. Just the opposite! He's doing everything he can to shake you loose! You're clinging-on in desperation; so you have to be the one to breakup.
He anticipates backlash, theatrics, and drama he's not ready for; so he's using the "toxic-boyfriend" strategy. BTW, he knows you check his phone. He hopes you are! He's using psychological-warfare, and blatantly texts someone else in your presence. Every move he makes says he's cheating; but he adamantly denies it to your face. Yet you still refuse to let him go.
He's going to pound you emotionally until you just give-up!
His behavior is meant to slowly erode the relationship. Until it just dries-up, shrivels, and falls-off like a skin-tag.
So, just give-up!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 BIG fat EDIT:
YOU should blame yourself for his behavior.
SHOULD have been..
YOU shouldn't blame yourself for his behavior. Of course you shouldn't blame yourself or let him blame you for his messed up treatment of you!~
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 November 2018):
Just cut him lose, OP!
Why on Earth are you still with a man who is THIS disrespectful to you?
So what that he hasn't PHYSICALLY cheated on you? He WANTS to! She (or any other chick) just haven't said yes yet!
YOU should blame yourself for his behavior.
If you DO want to blame yourself for anything... it should be for still sticking around with this guy. HE is NOT a good partner. This is not how a LOVING and CARING partner act.
Seriously? He is sending HER pictures of you to mock you? WTF! What kind of man does that? And what kind of woman (her) is still talking to her after he sends her those?
They DO deserve each other... and YOU, dear OP deserve someone SO MUCH better than the piece of crap you are with.
If he lives with you - KICK him out! If you live with him, pack up your stuff and move out. ASAP. If you can't move pack to your parents temporarily, then look for a room mate situation and get out of there ASAP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): First off,if you feel like he is drawing further from you ,and makes it clear he does not love you anymore ,I think it is better to call it quitz .give your heart some time to heal and do not rush into any other relationship until you feel like you are completely fine .it is not worth trying to save a relationship if the other person does not seem equally as concerned.Oh and don't forget to read your bible cause trust me it gives comfort.just remember that you are beautiful and that God probably wanted someone better for you.Hope my advise helped.I am behind you sister.love you
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A
female
reader, MissKin +, writes (18 November 2018):
 You're not respected because you're not demanding respect. The very fact that you "let him do whatever he wants" and "fit in around his life" is a sign that you don't even respect yourself. You are worth more. Leave him and do not look back necause he will never treat you better than he does. How dare he talk about you like that!
No one will ever treat you better than you treat yourself so set your standards high and accept nothing less.
He is cheating emotionally but that is the least of your worries. Look at what he said about you, why would you stick around?
Find someone who treats u better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2018): Ok so this guy thinks you are so boring that he sends pictures of you sleeping to a female friend implying he may be back on the singles market soon.
This guy excels at dishonesty.
He has already put himself on the singles market which is how he 'met this women!'
In fact we are assuming its a woman as we have every reason to question his integrity.
Its unfortunate that you insist on remaining faithful to him although I understand you taking the holiday as it was booked and paid for.
All longterm couples have times where one partner sleeps more than the other.
Some affectionately make recordings of their partner snoring the house down but not many do it with the intention of humiliating their other half.
Your boyfriend is showing some narcissistic traits here!
There are plenty videos on youtube of people talking and encouraging others to maintain their self respect while getting over a nark or recovering from the actions of a nark.
He is toying with you.
He is enjoying moments of disrespectful behaviour whilst in your company so he is clearly betraying himself as a nark while he contemplates the discard stage and enjoys what he hopes are moments of you writhing with self doubt which has all been initiated by him, glorious him!
The good news is that you are an attractive twenty something.
Narks always choose attractive women because it makes them look good.
Also they tend to go for a nuance of gullibility and a talk-it-over kind of person because they believe they can talk their way out of hell and still keep the coal fires burning.
You are a listener and talker type.
An action first type would have thrown such a scene that the nark would be embarrassed and the entire restaurant would be filming and putting it on youtube while you would be doing hysterical accusations of betrayal on your birthday.
Loud accusations of 'how could you do this on my birthday, what kind of low life man are you? "
All while accidentally dropping knives and forks on the floor and tipping over jugs of water in your blind distress as you head to the door leaving him to foot the bill and to face the horrified audience of other diners.
So you are a don't-rock-the-boat and think-it-over type!
Now there's nothing wrong with that.
Its both sensible and intelligent but in doing your thinking you might ask yourself if his good qualities outweigh his bad qualities and how much of yourself you intend to give to him freely.
So you have a lot more power over your life than you are assuming you have and you are enabled to make your decisions accordingly.
You just have to figure out where your cut off point is.
And by that I mean where you choose to disassociate, not how much of his weiner you think he should part with!
And remember that there are women who try to initiate the process of demanding attention simply to try to destroy an established couple and his 'friend' may also be this kind of narcissist!
Its unpleasant to be caught between two narcissists but in doing so you also have ready access to any cop-out clause that you choose to name!
So your situation is certainly manageable especially if you find out by reading about narcissists as much as possible rather than true life experience as they can be very demanding and rather draining in the long run.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 November 2018):
 What do you do? You kick his selfish cheating ar$e out the door and find yourself someone who respects and loves you, but this guy sure as hell does neither. Why would you even want to be with him when he is just keeping you on a back burner while something "better" turns up.
Walk away with your head high, because you deserve so much better.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (18 November 2018):
 Cheating or not, honey his utter disrespect is out of this world. What I think you need to work on is your self esteem to know that you deserve better than this. Clearly he is no longer into you. It IS cheating, emotional cheating. IMHO worse than the act. Square pegs will never fit into round holes. My advice walk away with dignity and leave him to do as he pleases. Getting over it is getting away from it and him. You cant heal when you live with the virus you just get sicker.
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