A
female
age
30-35,
*mmyem
writes:I've got a dilemma. Last year I was studying in the US for a semester, and I fell for someone. We tried to ignore our feelings for a long time because I wouldn't be staying, but the electricity between us was like nothing else I've ever felt before. We flirted endlessly while pretending we weren't, and it was so exciting. Besides that we also just got along amazingly well, hung out a lot, talked about our whole life stories, hope and dreams, and really bonded. We went out for a goodbye dinner the night before I left, and we finally gave in to the chemistry and I went home with him. It felt so right and normal to sleep with him, as though we'd done been together a long time, but I knew I had to go and it probably wouldn't ever happen again. I cried so much when I left.Since I got home we've stayed in touch. We try to keep contact down so that we can concentrate on our lives though. He's not originally from the US but has been there many years and is currently starting his own business there. He's four years older than me and has his life all set up. I have either one or three more years to study here (I'm considering a Master's), I have little money and I'm very stressed all the time. I try to focus on my life and not depend on him, but usually after a couple of weeks without talking one of us will send the other a message to catch up and we launch into a 3 or 4 hour conversation. Then after a few days of talking I panic that those feelings are so strong but so impossible to pursue, and try to cut down contact again. He says I can have all the space I need and he understands it's difficult for me to do this right now, but it's never a permanent thing, just getting air. One of us always gets back in touch.He has told me he loves me, though I've let him know I can't say that right now, which he has also been understanding about. But I feel like I do love him. It's so much more than just physical, there is really something special here that I didn't have with my last boyfriends (I've been single for nearly 2 years after a bad breakup). But it's so impractical and I don't know whether to pursue it and try to make it work somehow, or try to bring it to an end. It feels like something from a movie. He says he's never given up on something he really wanted, everything he has in life he achieved through perseverance and if I believe in us, we will happen, no matter how long it takes. But I just can't be that optimistic.I know I want to settle in Ireland. Although I love traveling short term, I don't want to leave for good. I was unhappy and felt out of place in the US and didn't make any close friends, just acquaintances, apart from this one guy. He actually doesn't really have any friends there either. He had a horrific childhood and says before he met me he felt like an alien who couldn't really connect to people or truly fall for anyone. Of course I feel special for being the first person he feels this way about, and I want to be with him to love him and care for him, but it also feels like a big responsibility. I've had my heart broken before and I don't want to be the one to break his heart. I want to make his life better, not worse.He's so enthusiastic and certain that I am the one for him. He has talked about how easy it would be to fly me out to him (he has lots of money), but I know with all my commitments here I'd only be able to visit. I've daydreamed about him meeting me at the airport, but then I think of how awful it would be to have to say goodbye again over and over. I can't imagine him moving here, and I have never wanted to live out there. He doesn't have anyone to leave as he is estranged from his abusive family, whereas I have all my close family and friends...but he has his work and his business and I know they are really important to him. He says work was his whole life before me, but now he wants both...and I don't see how that can happen.Can love really "conquer all" as he believes? Is it worth trying to figure something out? If I do need to end this, how can I help us both move on? I care so much for him and don't want to hurt him, but I don't feel I can uproot myself for him. I want his fairytale to come true but I guess I'm too much of a realist because I just can't allow myself to truly believe in it. Could I be letting "the one" go if I break this off? I've never met anyone like him before and can't go a day without thinking about him. I really don't know what to do for the best.
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female
reader, emmyem +, writes (20 November 2018):
emmyem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses. I know I should probably accept this won't work out. But it's just so hard. How do I break this off without destroying him? It's like he's never even considered us not ending up together. He's fond of saying (and this is practically a direct quote): "I don't need lots of reasons to prove why something WON'T happen, just one to prove to me that it WILL". He believes in the power of will and positive thinking and stuff. He wants this so badly that I think he already feels like it's a done deal, because fate will make it so...but I'm holding back because I'm afraid of it only hurting more if we carry on. It's so tempting to just throw myself into it and try living his way, even if my mind thinks that's a terrible unrealistic idea. I have no idea how to handle this.
A
female
reader, emmyem +, writes (19 November 2018):
emmyem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify something, the period I spent in the US was the spring semester of this year. As far as my studies go it was "last year", but it was during 2018. I haven't been in this limbo for quite as long as I accidentally made it sound!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): You've been on your own for a while and you have initiated contact with this guy.
Something made you throw caution to the wind that night and you have changed your level of angst as a result.
On the face of it you really haven't spent a long time together but he is convinced you are the one while you are not certain about him.
As you tell it your friendship/ romance has a fairytale quality wherby you have fallen head over heels after one night of sex.
I don't envy you!
A night of passion comes and goes, but does it really mean anything?
You fully intended to study and leave without entanglement.
But now you are considering him flying you over to U.S.A. to give him further nights of passion.
It all sounds so fifty shades of greyish and it is becoming a tale of your eroding of your values and intentions.
If he is destined to become a wonderful and thoughtful partner of yours how about getting him to pay for you both to holiday in Ireland for a while together.
I think you need a slight shift in power sharing here so that your needs are not overlooked and if he can't book and pay for a decent hotel in a scenic and romantic part of Ireland then I don't think his money will buy you happiness.
But thats just my thoughts.
You are in charge of your life.
You don't have much experience and most women are happy to invest in the fairy tale for a while.
You only really know a person after the hype has died down, so presumably he is still on his best behaviour.
But please at least try to keep your studies going for now.
Try to imagine how you would have felt if you hadn't had sex.
It wasn't meant to erode your brain and nor was it suppossed to but the burden of responsibility for him onto you.
Maybe you could speak to a student counsellor in confidence about how your feelings are affecting your concentration.
You come across as rather a serious type of person who may do well with a closer confidante to confide in.
You could start of the discourse by asking for viable ways to juggle a potential L.D.R with your studies and talking to someone close to you about these personal matters could be very useful for you.
Whatever you decide, I think you should remember that you are not a fictitious character and you deserve decent lifelong friends both male and female.
Maybe one day you want a family and you should ask yourself if this guy had given any indication that he would be a good father to your children.
And fairytails have very little place in modern life as noone lives happily after dispite wealth and other circumstances.
I suppose my feeling is that it won't be lastingly viable but there is nothing to stop you taking your courtship to Ireland to see how you get on there.
Are you a stressed person anyway or is it because the 'holiday element' of your life is over?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2018): You gave in. You knew it wasn't likely to work, but flirted, hung out and had sex anyway. It hurts because you decided to allow the feelings to intensify.
I've been in an LDR, but they are impossible in 90+% of them.
How will you meet regularly?
How will you spend time together?
How will you close the distance?
Will you be happy moving there, even if you break up after? Will he be happy moving to your area even if you break up soon after?
How will you keep up a proper relationship, not just a virtual one?
OP, you either need to give it a go (not what I'd recommend, realistically) or completely cut contact PERMANENTLY and not catch up. There is no middle ground because you both allowed it to go too far. I understand why you did, but you probably shouldn't have if you can't handle an international LDR. You were only there for a semester, you will BOTH move on, but not while you both keep flip-flopping.
You know you have too much to focus on and this can't be it, but LDRs are stressful and really hard work, usually amounting to nothing - as sad as it is to admit that, considering I've been in one with someone I thought was my "one".
You don't know each other well enough to be "the one" or really in love - I know you'll think otherwise, but it's true. You'll both have a couple of relationships that feel like that before the ACTUAL one comes along.
I'm sorry, but the longer you leave it, the more hurt you'll both cause. You have no money to visit, no spare time, no extra energy to put in, no desire to live in the US (esp. if you broke up), etc. It's clear what's best, but you've both allowed it to go this far, which is why it hurts. Please learn from this: you let it go on too long and now you're both hurting - if you continue letting it go on, it will only get harder.
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