A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was raped about 18 months ago, people believed me, the police believed me and it went to trial. Unfortunately he was found not guilty. Every now and then I notice some people who I bump into just completely ignore me when they used to talk to me all the time. I know that some people just think I'm a liar because he was found not guilty.He is my friend's, well ex friend's, boyfriend and because she cheated on him she just wanted him to sleep with me so it would all be even between them. She even sent me a text before he did it saying that he said 'how would you like it if I slept with her and you'd have to look at her all the time knowing what I did'. Since he was found not guilty they've now decided to get engaged, they both bad mouth me to everybody, I get abuse off his family. I think that he just thought that there isn't any harm with sleeping with anybody, the both of them are the same. I think he genuinely has it in his head that he didn't do anything wrong because sex just doesn't mean anything to him.When it happened I was asleep and I woke up with him on top of me, his girlfriend kept giving me drinks all night, I was pretty drunk, When I woke up I told him to stop and he did. But he doesn't think it was rape he just thinks its nothing. I guess my question is this do some men just think it is sex that is meaningless and not rape, when it's not violent? Do some men think it isn't really rape even if the woman said no?I also want to know what you think about men who are found not guilty of rape, do you always think the woman must have lied? I'm going to counselling, I'm feeling a lot better than I used to as time goes by, I'm just a bit upset about people's attitudes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): No, none of what you are experiencing is normal or makes sense. No, normal men do not have non consensual sex with a woman and act like it is no big deal. I think this is one of those twilight zone situations where everything and everyone is turned upside down. And nothing makes sense. From a moral standpoint, things like these happen sometimes in order to push you in a different direction. To cleanse your life of all the riff raff that surrounds you. To teach you a lesson. In this case, choose your friends more wisely. Like this couple clearly is crazy. Any girl who would get her "best friend" drunk so that her boyfriend can take advantage of her obviously has mental problems. And these people who sneer at you and ignore you are not your friends and never were, so who cares what they think. I do not know how the judicial system works in the U.K. but if it is anything like in the U.S., he got free from the charges because he probably had a very good attorney who was able to present a case that seemed more plausible than the case your attorney made. If a jury determined the outcome of your case, for whatever reason, they felt there wasn't enough evidence or probable cause to charge this man with anything. That's where your attorney comes into play. He needs to make a case with solid evidence and probable cause, both on the defense and the offense of the opposing argument. It may have just come down to the simple fact that your legal representation did not pull through as well as you had hoped. If you don't feel like you got justice, you should speak to a different attorney who, if he or she is willing to pick up your case, can file for a mistrial. Upon reviewing the case, the d.a. may deem it in fact a mistrial, throw out the last judgment and give you a new trial. For this to happen, your new attorney will have to show evidence to support that the law was misinterpreted and you didn't get a fair trial. If you feel headstrong about this, I encourage you to get a new trial.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): You know what, I should campaign about things like this. They've told everybody they can their side of the story and nobody really knows how court works. I was shocked by how little I got to say about what happened and was just subjected to questions from his defence. I didn't have the chance to tell anybody about the impact it's had on me or anything.I am feeling better now but I don't know how strong I am to actually campaign at the moment. I try my best not to worry about what people think but sometimes I can't help it and it's hard. The boyfriend that said that to me isn't with me anymore, him saying that to me is one of the reasons. I know he believed me because he would never be with somebody who would lie about this. I sometimes wonder how seriously people treat rape though when he could just say that so easily.I think I'm going to seriously look into moving now and I was thinking about taking a counselling course one day and trying to help other people. It really has helped me going to see a counsellor, I guess I was having a bad day when I asked this yesterday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): I really would like to move, it would be hard but I think it's the best thing I can do. Yes it's true that if his family don't believe me they would think he's a cheat. I know deep down it was all done because they wanted to wipe the slate clean and use me in the process just to get married. It makes me feel sick.As for court, I was introduced to my barrister and spoke to her for 5 minutes and that's it. I have no idea what she even asked him or what was said. I thought I would be able to say more about what happened but 95% of the whole thing was being asked awful questions by his defence. I really do appreciate all the answers you've given me, yesterday I was feeling down about it but I know now that not everybody thinks he way they do. They will always think they did nothing wrong but I know the truth anyway.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I think intellectually everyone knows non consensual sex is rape but they are in denial. His desire to get revenge took over reason and her desire to get married led to this. She decided the pick of the woman so at least she had some form of control over it. His family knew that if it wasn't rape at least he cheated. They thought of you as the home wrecker, you seduced him but somehow he had no fault in this.
In some Muslim country there needs to be 4 witnesses to prove rape happened, which is impossible. Rape can be hard to prove without visible signs of bruises, and especially when you are at the wrong place and at the wrong time. All women can do now is prevent rape like not going out too late or drink too much. He took advantage of the law but it will hang over his and her heads.
I also think it could be a good idea to move if possible. I would look into peace corps. If there is no love in my town at least I could give love to those in need.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Yes, that exactly! Your bf, I,several other people would think that (IF they did not know how the system works).That's why I told you that I was very unhappy with the comment the next day (in the newspaper) :"The jury found him innocent and all charges were dropped". N-O.No one found him INNOCENT. It as a "Not guilty" verdict.really,everything about it has to change. There has to be a 3rd option=reasonable doubt, but not enough proof.It's just how things are phrased.Look at what a big difference this makes: "The dog was not guilty of attacking the man, coz the man had a salami in his bag and dogs really like meat. But no one saw the dog attacking the man and there were many other dogs in the park so how can be sure it was this greyhound?"VS"The dog was innocent. That man shouldn't have walked near the dog whilst having salami."Language, words,phrasing things correctly=power. That's why marketing works.As to your bf, he just assumed (like many would) that IF a COURT finds whoever not responsible for whatever, then that is. The court is right (authority in society). Everyone can make mistakes. Court proceedings/legalities are ripe for the pickings!! (That's why I said that if you do really care about this, campaigning to change procedures would be good. If you can find the inner strength for that,of course.)If you have money, the law basically doesn't apply to you.E.g. (I apologise in advance to be referencing this particular family on here...) Anyways, those Kardashians (again,sorry!)-I saw a headline in the newspaper recently that Bruce Jenner apparently murdered a woman...and there was no murder charge)Point being is: if your bf doesn't trust you/take your side on this and rather than think "Oh,shit how can I protect her?Make her feel better?That pig!" rather thinks: "Hmmmm,he was not violent, she was just drunk and maybe she wanted it",well... you are better off without him,hun.Seriously STOP concentrating on what everyone else thinks and start concentrating on your own well-being!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Janiepeg I didn't know what they were up to before I got there. I was asked over by her and she said she was on her own, when I got there he was there. The text she sent me about him saying 'what would you feel like if I slept with her' was sent to me while he was in the room with me, when I looked at my phone after it happened I'd noticed that she sent it. They were a bit of a mess, I felt quite sorry for he before because he would do things like take their child's birthday money and spend it on himself. He left them with no money for a week once and went out drinking. I guess I kept bothering with her because I felt bad for her. But now I realise that she just wanted him to do that with me to take the guilt away from what she had done before. The hard thing is that it was them two against me in court. I take a bit of comfort in the fact the police believed me enough to go to trial. But everybody else doesn't see it that way, when I argued with my ex boyfriend a few months ago he even said court decided that he was innocent :( My own boyfriend thought things like that.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 March 2015):
I read all the answers, there is no doubt that rape happened but keep wondering, if you knew both of them were playing sick games why did you not stay away but instead put yourself into a situation where you would be made drunk? Were you in shock that they decided to do this to a friend and you didn't really believe they would have actualized the plan? Why did you still hang out with them that night?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I'm sorry you went through this. That two people you thought of as friends USED you in their own sick games. But what I REALLY want for you to take away from this, is YOU ARE NOT responsible for their actions and their SICK attitudes.
Rapists (such as the one who raped you) get away with it in court more than they get "punished". The system (I'm sure in Europe too) is flawed. The idea that women "ASK" for it, by dressing a certain way, getting drunk, flirting is not a new one.
He might have been found NOT GUILTY, but that doesn't mean he WASN'T guilty - it just means the prosecution had a weaker case than the defense.
Keep doing your counseling and work on yourself.
I have a friend who was raped at a party when we were 16. She never told her parents and the guy (17) was never prosecuted - She didn't tell US (her friends) till years later, because she BLAMED herself. She carried the burden and the blame for years. THIS happens a LOT more then people think.
YOU did the right thing is going to the Police and going to court. The outcome wasn't as it SHOULD have been, but you didn't "let" him get away with it either. IT will ALWAYS hang over his head.
Most people (mainly men, but some women too) DO NOT understand rape. Just like they DO NOT understand an abortion or a mastectomy. THESE are things that HAPPENS (mainly) to women. Men are not generally "prey". We tell our young girls to BE CAREFUL, to WATCH out, to mind this and that, but little boys? No, they are told to go have fun.
THIS is our culture.
I'm SURE there are people who thinks you are as much at fault as he was. And those are the people you NEED to stay away from. They are a negative influence on you and your life. SCREW what they think. THEY were not there. THEY were not VIOLATED.
Rape isn't about violence, it's about control and disrespect. HE and his GF viewed you as a slap of meat that they could USE in their SICK little game.
You can't change people's minds. BUT WHAT you can do is ignore them.
Just like you can't fix stupid, you can't fix ignorance either.
If I were you, I'd find a support group for rape survivors. THEY know what you went through, and you can support them and they can support you.
As for her.... the GF - she is a sick cow. They "deserve" each other. And if you think they will somehow get a happily ever after? I'd say they won't. He might outwardly pretend he did nothing wrong, SHE might outwardly pretend she did nothing wrong, but .... conviction or not.. THEY BOTH did wrong and THEY DO know it. (they may not care, but that is another issue all together and NOT your concern).
Be a survivor, not a victim.
Be strong, be brave. But most of all DO NOT stop living YOUR life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Sorry for how crude this sounds, but I couldn't think of the right word, but the whole rape thing pisses me off. Your story for example, you were given drinks all night until you passed out asleep, only to woken up by a lump of a male raping you, who only stopped when you said no. Goes to court, and he's not guilty. How? How did that happen? Because he's more likable to the jury? Because everyone swears he's not that kind of guy? Should you have just laughed a long and kept your mouth shut because it's only sex that you never wanted? It's fucked up. And I have had far too many friends effected by this. Some of whom got justice, while others, sadly, didn't. It's cases like this were truth serum and lie detector tests should be mandatory because all you have to do, it seems, is cry bloody murder that you didn't do it, have everyone rally for you, and you've won. And let's be honest, the courts have so many cases pass through them that I wouldn't surprised if half of them weren't done to standard just so they could get them stamped on time and out to meet their quarter. It's sick and disgusting. You have wrong'uns on the streets and innocents in the jails and a society crying for justice and the "justice system" saying they're funding this and that and hope for a better future. The future was yesterday and we're still waiting.I'm really sorry for what you went through lovely. My absolute advice to you, is when you get to a better place with counselling, start a new social network only adding people you want on there, move to a different city or countryside, start a new life. Or go abroad, travel the world. Meet people who don't know you or your past. Make new friends. I think there's even a victims justice group that do activities like travel, get involved, share experiences etc. Your growth and healing is the best thing you can do for yourself and future right now.As for men, they're not all the same, although the majority are scumbags that think sex is not serious. You do get guys who aren't like that though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Thank you for your responses, I cried a bit when I read them, I'm glad there are people who think like you. The whole thing cost me my job because it was dealing with the public, I just couldn't face speaking to men every day, I had very strong anti depressants that made me put on a lot of weight. Not that weight is the b all and end all but it just changed the way I looked, I was angry for a while and took things out on the wrong people. It really ruined my life. The trial was awful and terrifying, his barrister looked at me like I was dirt, well that's the way he made me feel. His girlfriend had given me her PJs to wear that night and because she was a bit smaller than me, not much, he even talked about my weight for about half an hour. It all made me feel disgusting and fat. I have no idea why anybody would ever want to make something like this up and when I search for similar questions on the net people always say there's an epidemic of women lying about rape. I'm starting to question whether people even think rape is even that serious anymore, it makes me really sad.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): You are from the UK. I'm from the UK.
And I'll let you in on a big secret: the whole system needs an overhaul! I just think people like me believe it is working till they see it in action!
I'll let you in on another big secret (what with everything being anonymous on here and what not): I was a jury at a case, similar to yours (sexual assault).
In this case, there was more than one woman (as Chi suggests) and he still got out!!! The women's characters were dragged through the mud (going back to even petty little "crimes" dating years and years ago!I wouldn't even call them "crimes" as there was never a conviction or a persecution).
But every bit of dirt you can imagine that could possibly be brought up on them WAS (including school years!). By an expensive, very-well experienced LEGAL TEAM.
Who do you think represented the women? The Crown service. Overloaded with god knows how many similar cases. Not having the time to dig any dirt on the attacker or not wanting to stoop to those techniques.
The attacker? Well-educated, well-read, comfortably well off (i.e. able to afford a TEAM of lawyers).
The girls? Under-age (when it happened the first time), not well educated (why is that important? Well,because they couldn't stand their ground/ articulate themselves well enough when questioned by the Defence)
You can guess how it went...he got off...And the next day "oh, the jury found him innocent" NOPE! There just wasn't enough (given the instructions that we were given, which is a set of very specific questions that the judge gives you) to say otherwise.
But they are very specific also on being BEYOND 100% sure that it did happen and that it happened EXACTLY as described (this is very important!!! WHY? This is were the girls not being able to articulate themselves clearly, repeatedly, in the same manner over and over again when the Defence questioned them really did them a disservice).
Really, we all believed them,but given the directions that we were given there was nothing we could do.
I think very few women are aware of this (I certainly wasn't!!!) and it's something that needs lot of campaigning to change... Sadly,I don't think that it will happen any time soon. Don't be set on him getting his punishment...In the system that we currently have this may not happen.
rather, focus on getting your life together, campaign for this issue to change, and know that people who live with so much hate in their heart (because it sounds to me that what he did to you he did out of HATE for his gf) really do live in their own circle of hell that they may never get out of...
And try and ignore other people's looks/whispers. They don't know the truth and if they believe them and not you-good riddance! At least you know whom you can trust/rely on. (I also don't understand why anybody ever thinks somebody will make up something like this? Like,really,do they think is fun to stand in court or what?) I wish you the best in your recovery,and really is not you, it's the legal system we have :/
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 I am very sorry to hear what you've had to go through, and at the same time I am glad that you had the strength and courage to report him to the police and go to trial. Even if they couldn't judge him, because there was a lack of evidence. That is the sad thing about rape-cases, often they amount to nothing because of lack of evidence. This is what rapists hide behind, they can so easily get away with it. But they will NOT get away with it more than once. Next time he rapes someone, if they too are courageous and reports him to the police, then the police will be able to use your previous report as evidence against him. It speaks to his character. That means, next time, they might be able to send him to prison for it.
And I have no doubt that he will do it again. Rapists have no respect for women, they do not respect a no, and think they are entitled to a womans body. Naturally, they do it whenever it pleases them, which is more than once in a lifetime.
Have faith in that he will get his punishment, one way or the other. But YOU do not need to suffer more just because he didn't get his punishment this time around. Right now you're doing the correct thing, taking care of yourself and going to counseling.
As for your question... Yes, there are many who do not know what rape is. Who believe that rape is only when you attack a stranger on the street and jump at her from the bushes and beat her up while you're at it. But this type of rape happens rarely. The far more common form of rape is the one you describe. You knew the man, and you didn't fight back, so there is no aggression, or at least, no "proof" on your body. But a rape is when there's not consent. That is the definition. If people think otherwise, then that says something about their lacking intelligence and their lacking respect for women.
When I think about these matters, my mind often goes to the times before rape was even recognized. Rape is still not recognized in many countries in the world. A woman who is raped in the Middle East might get hanged for adultery! Or stoned to death. Because they don't have a concept of rape. It wasn't long ago here in Europe, that a husband could rape his wife, and it would be within his rights. A married woman could not press charges against her own husband, because it was not considered rape.
But slowly, people come to understand what rape actually is, and how devastating it is to the victims. With women equality, there also comes respect for women, and a recognition of our right to say no. Unfortunately we just aren't quite there yet, where women are treated as equals and where no means no.
One last thing I want to say to you. This man did not have sex with you. Sex is consensual. He raped you. There's a difference there as big as the difference between hugging someone and punching them. This man, it's not his casual view on sex that made him to what he did, it is his casual view on women that made him do it. So believe me, this woman who he is now engaged to will have a hard life with him, if she marries him. She did not win any prize, she's throwing away her life. Stay away from these poisonous people, and find yourself new friends with more intellect and understanding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): No matter what the circumstance, if you DON'T CONSENT, and he does it anyway, it is RAPE. Trials go by hard evidence, and sometimes, it's just not enough. Harsh, but true.
However, just keep your head up, and keep getting counseling and getting better. Don't let this guy's selfish actions define how you think about other people. Sure, there are scumbags out there in the world that don't know what CONSENT and the word NO is, but that's what they are, SCUMBAGS, who don't deserve your time.
I hope you get better soon, and live your life to the fullest 3 All my support.
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