A
female
age
36-40,
*ifflili
writes:I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and at the beginning we didn't really take the relationship seriously, I cheated on him and so did he on me. Now we want to be committed and really do love one another.. but there is only one problem, he had sex with a girl and now she just had his son. Now that we want to be serious this is haunting me and feel that this child of course is always going to be there and I understand that it is not the baby's fault but the girl will always have communication with my boyfriend and I do not know if I can not deal with that I think... I believe in the traditional marriage and family and only wanted to have my husband and my kids (no step son/daughter)... What should I do?? Should I stay with him or move on? He really does love me now and everyone sees it, he is so scared to lose me and I feel it and know it.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 May 2008):
 If he really wants to be with you. I wouldn't worry about him visiting his child. I'm glad to hear your working with this. It can be hard, but if he's the right one for you, you'll have more good times than difficult ones.
A
female
reader, tifflili +, writes (3 May 2008):
tifflili is verified as being by the original poster of the question hey, everyone now i have accepted --step number one child support;however, my boyfriend is now going to
New York to visit the child for the first time. Interestung I say. I knew it was going to come. but i am sort of having a little hard time, not so much. i think i am handleing it better than i thought i would.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): After reading this i think you have given yourself the answer. You want the husband and kids and no step kids, so move on. He will have to be there for the child until the end of his days. There will be things like sports days etc when they will both be there. I know from experience, my ex had two kids by the time i came along and they were both with separate mothers. We had a son together and i had to learn to accept his time with those kids and his exs, sometimes it wasnt easy. That is why i always answer a question about exs with: I HATE BLOODY EXS, because of all the pain and trauma i have been through. You cannot go on feeling like this. If you dont accept his son then you will have a one side situation anyway. So if i was you i would move on. You have been together quite a while before you got serious, why was this? I suggest you two are not right for each other, so run.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I agree with rcn. Of course, this child will be a huge part of his life. He is now a Father and yes, you are right he will have to do what a Father should do. Support and love this child for the rest of it's life. You do say you love him, however there is that big 'but' word injected in your posting. I love him but--I can't accept the fact that he a Father to another woman's child. So therefore this is not love, in the truest, most giving, unconditional form. What you feel for him, is just your wishes, your hopes and what you need. That is not love. Do not marry him. You have a belief of what you want in your future...your traditional marriage, your own children with just him, no step children. He cannot ever give that to you. You need to move on from this relationship, because already you do not accept something that is 'part of him'.
Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 March 2008):
One more questions for you. What if you we're the one carrying the baby from the guy you cheated with. Would you want him to try to cope with the situation, or move on.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 March 2008):
Two options. (1) LEAVE (2) CHANGE YOUR VIEWS. That's it. Remember this, true love overcomes all obsticals. You said you can't be with someone who has a child with another. That's your answer. Let him go, so he may find someone who is willing to accept he and his son.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): well i think your just going to have to have a serious think about how much you're prepared to give up for the perfect family fantasy.
being in love with someone and having them love you is not something to take lightly, would you really be able to give him up because of this child?
is it the child you dont like being in his life or the childs mother because it sounds as if it is the mother you think will be the problem.
do u think he will cheat on you with her and try and have a relationship with her for the sake of this child or do you know and trust his allegiance to you?
personally i think u need to sit down and think about what you are prepared to do for him, would u give up the image of the perfect family to be with him or can the image of the perfect family be given up for him?
which is more important?
i know if it was me, if i truly loved him and he truly loved me, i would give up the image of a perfect family, love is not something you find often.
then again if you dont know how committed you are to him then dont give up your dreams for him.
Its all about what comes first and your perspective of your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Hi,
I think you answer your own question. You will not be able to accept it. The baby is never going to go away and if he is the man you say you admire he will do the right thing and play a part in his son's life which means contact with the girl as well.
I don't think you can handle it from your post. Let him be and move on as you will only get more jealous in the future.
He can hardly complain, he did have unprotected sex after all, he should have been aware of the consequences.
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