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female
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anonymous
writes: hi, i met this guy on myspace and we have been on a date! i love everything about his personality and we get on well! its just his appearance, i'm not attracted to him! i'v kinda turned him down because i dont find him attractive, it may seem shallow! but there does need to be some attraction there 4 it 2 wrk! am i right? help!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006): If you're not attracted to him then why would you force yourself to date him? You made the right choice.
Look at it the other way: Would you go out with someone with a terrible personality but who looked HOT?
No. You need a bit of both if you want a relationship to work.
Don't worry, it's all part of the dating game. You'll meet someone with a great personality AND someone you fancy one day.
A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (22 September 2006):
 I would continue to meet up with him as you said you get on well and love his personality.
I have in the past found that sometime in some situations the personal attraction moves onto physical attraction and it would be a shame to throw away what you've got so far just because it wasn't an instant physical attraction.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006): If you like him and enjoy his company, why not go out a few more times with him and see how it goes? You may very well find that you ARE attracted to him after all!
My recent experience: I met someone on e-harmony and we emailed, spoke on the phone a couple of times before I left for London for a month. We still emailed, spoke by phone while I was gone and it was April before we met (I did not see his photo and he kept saying how "ugly" he is -described his looks in detail). I didn't think he was bad looking at all - overweight and a bit lame (walking) but the emails we exchanged were very witty; we had fun before meeting and after - we liked each other a lot.
About a month ago I had lunch with another man, same website. Nice guy, and I did see his photo and we exchanged a few emails, and calls. However, within five minutes of meeting I knew there was no chemistry whatsoever on my part (though he seemed quite keen). We had lunch, which took most of the afternoon, and he was a nice man - really - but I knew I didn't want to see him again.
I mention this as two examples of the different ways a first date can go! And also why I said that since you get on so well and like him, give it a few more dates!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 September 2006):
 I never found Donald Sutherland to be ugly ;)
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A
female
reader, bonym  +, writes (22 September 2006):
 You are very welcome David and yes I do agree that there are some physically beautiful men and women who have such "ugly" personalities, it eventually starts to show up in their face and makes them an ugly person. xXx
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A
male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (22 September 2006):
 Thank you BonyM, lol.
I have always been in the same situation, right through my school and younger days, I felt ugly and was always the short skinny one who nobody wanted to be friends with. I grew up with no confidence and was bullied regularly.
I am sort of glad I had a past like that though, because it inspired me to take up martial arts at the age of 10, so I did not stay skinny for long and my confidence grew. I had my revenge on the bullies because I turned out to be a better person than them, so I have a lot to thank the bullies for. I still think I am ugly, but I dont see it as an issue anymore. People can either like me for who I am or can base their opinions on my looks. Thats why I love the internet, you get to know people by their words and personality, rather than their looks.
Personally, I think the nicer people tend to be the ones who do not see themselves as beautiful. I know lots of very beautiful looking people, they know they are beautiful and inadvertantly become ugly people....if that makes any sense.
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (22 September 2006):
David Lewis is a perfect gentlemen, thats lovely, I wishall men were like you!! But for me, looks are almost top of my list, that does sound shallow but let me explain.
I do believe that I have to physically find my husband attractive otherwise I wont want to be intimate with him or may find it harder because the physical attraction is not there. For me, looks has always been an issue, ever since I was around 6, I had a complex about the way I looked, being black, all the kids at school wer mostly Asian and darker skinned people were classed as ugly and thats what I was told everyday, I was ugly till I actually started to believe it, now even today, I dont think I am pretty, but people say everyday that I am, I dont see it, so for me, I like the idea of being with such a beautiful looking man, because the attention is taken off me, and everyone will be looking at him thinking how fine is he!! If you dont find him attractive dont beat yourself up about it, you dont sound like a shallow person at all, quite the opposite in fact, at least you care to write to ask for advice. Go with your hearts desire, thats my advice. xXx
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male
reader, David Lewis +, writes (22 September 2006):
For me, looks come last.
I find personality to be the main attraction in a partner, looks are merely a bonus.
I am completely in love with my fiancee, she is charming, sexy, witty and very beautiful. But I would love her even if she was blue and yellow, 50 stone and 120 years old.
There needs to be some attraction, but you are obviously really interested in this guy, I am sure his looks will become more appealing to you as time goes on.
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female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (22 September 2006):
 I would agree that attraction needs to be there. But speaking from personal experience, one date is not enough to pass that judgement!
I have myself before dated a guy and thought yeah your a great guy, but you dont look great... we got on great, he was funny, witty charming, but still didnt look how I imagined a boyfriend of mine to look.. So rather than just go on the proviso of one date, I gave him the benifit of the doubt and had several dates, and low and behold, the guy I thought i didnt fancy i started to fancy, whats more i fell in love, and we dated for like 2 years. Now if I had gone on my first impression i wouldnt have got that far, now yes it didnt pan out in the end, but what im saying is i didnt think i would ever fancy him not in a million years but in the end i did, it was something about him and after time i was like yeah your pretty good looking! So i would say dont shot this in the foot before it got started, sometimes the expectations are not what we think (we think oh hes not good looking, but generally there is something about them that will be appealing) but later on the attraction can just happen, i didnt think it could but its been proved to me on more than one occasion, not saying it happens for everyone, but if you get on great and things are fab other than that, at least give it a couple of dates,you may fancy his personality more and that in itself can make them feel sexy to you! you never know he might just be the guy you fall in love with!
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A
female
reader, lostgirl04 +, writes (22 September 2006):
 Well that depends. Do you like him? I mean do you seriously like him, like could you see yourself dating him? If you can't picture yourself dating him then I think you should just let him know that you'd like to stay friends. Sometimes, we begin to fall for friends or for people we don't find attractive just because we get to know them better and fall inlove for their personality. If you think you've fallen for his personality, if he makes you feel good and you can see him making you happy then go for it. Looks are not everything. Sometimes the hottest guy can be the biggest jerk, and the not-so-good-looking one can be the best bf you've ever had. Hope this helps. Good Luck!
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