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female
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*almaniac
writes: Question: He started being distant, I love him and don't know what to do!I was dating a guy for 4 months. Everything was perfect in the beginning, but I moved about 2 months into it. I'm only an hr away so we still managed to see each other even though he doesn't have a car. We missed each other but He talked about wanting to move in w/me, we both said how much we love each other, he introduced me to his whole family, we looked at engagement rings together..we were dedicated to being with each other forever.About a month after I moved things started to turn for the worse. We both ended up kissing someone else within about 10 days of each other. He was less forgiving to me (his ex cheated on him alot) so he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Calls me up during the week wanting me to come pick him up to come stay w/me so I do and when I get there he's drunk. He then proceeds to tell him that he made a decision to go to rehab for drinking and wanted to see me before he left (I didn't even know he had a problem). He came and stayed w/me for a week and everything was great, but he never brought up the rehab thing again and still drinks. A few days go by then he gets upset because I visited a guy friend of mine who was in the area camping (we're best friends from high school) and my bf didn't trust me because of the whole kiss thing 2 weeks prior so he ended up ignoring me for another week. I end up getting a phone call from him one night at 4am saying he missed me. I was back in the town where he lives the next night and he walked almost 2 miles to a party he assumed I'd be at just to see me. We talked/made up, promised we'd be together forever again. The next morning I told him how I wished he'd finally move in w/me etc and asked him what he wanted, his answer was "just to be with you". We talked everynight on the phone the next few nights, things were going ok, even though he was fairly drunk everynight we talked. We ended with miss you/love you and then the next day he wouldn't answer any of my texts/phone calls. Texts me at 2am telling me he slept w/3 ppl (he doesn't sleep around nor cheat so I didn't believe him) and then hung up on me when I tried to call him. A month has gone by and he still won't talk to me but also isn't saying it's over for good.He was on and off w/his ex for 7 years so I don't know if we are just on another 'off'? I know he has lots to figure out in his life (quit his job over the 4th of July and is now working for his roommate, drinking more, found out bad info about his real dad he didn't know, and I wasn' in the same town as him anymore..). My question is do I just give him some time and we'll get back together, does it even sound like we'll get back together? How long do I wait? And what do you think changed so dramatically from one day to the next? Everyone says we're a great couple and his family likes me. His brother thinks he's being an idiot and his sister in law thinks he's bipolar..I would guess at least depressed maybe. I keep thinking he's just confused about his life (he's 27, I'm 24), but I really want to help him and I really want to be with him forever. He was such a sweetheart, but now is being soo distant! Any advice would be great!
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reader, valmaniac +, writes (22 September 2006):
valmaniac is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, I have had people tell me ideas that were similar. I guess he does drink alot, but he's never been violent or anything like that. I think alot of it has to do w/his roommate (who is 22), who wasn't in the picture the 1st two months before I moved. He came back onto scene the same weekend I moved (1st of June). I just really wish he'd let me help him because I said I'd be supportive anything he does job-wise/rehab..whatever. He won't give me any answers-good or bad-when I text/email to see if we're over for good or just 'off' right now. He sent one text that said I'm making things worse and pushing him further away..that sucks, didn't know things could get worse. I don't know what to make of that or an of this. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2006): He sounds very unstable. He has a lot of problems. Drinking can really mess a person up, and it evidently has done a number on him. He may be bi-polar and at least depressed. Of course he's confused about his life!
Plus, thinking of marriage when you'd only been dating four months is far, far too soon.
He needs first of all to get a handle on his alcoholism. He said he was going into rehab and did not. That's a bad sign.
The only good sign I can see is that he is being distant toward you. He must be well aware that at this stage of his life, he is not good relationship material. So, by being withdrawn, he is actually doing you a favor!
Next time you talk, if you really want to help him, encourage him to go into rehab and start getting to grips with alcohol. Until he straightens his life out drastically it would be better to put any thoughts of being with him forever completely out of your head. The changes he will need to make to turn his life around are huge, and not easy!
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