A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with a guy for 6 months now. When we met, it was supposed to be a one time sex thing. But we fell in love. I knew he had a girlfriend, she is 20 yrs younger than him. We recently had a talk about "us" and he begged me to stay with him and he will end it with her. I asked him what his intentions are with us and her. This is his response.----------------At this present time, I am her boyfriend. I have to gradually back off now. So much has happened. I can't abruptly end things because it will cause much more damage and drama for all of us.I do care for her. you've always known that but obviously not enough for me to be with her and lose you. I know you understand because it goes the same for your ex. You love him but not enough, considering stepping out on him.I do feel a great sense of guilt for what I have done. so there is always this I will have to deal with.I told you before. loving you comes with a price. If you were just sex; this would be easy but I am in-love with you. So my intentions is to move forward with you.I love you-------------Should I believe him and wait for him to end it? Or am I fooling myself?
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (9 June 2011):
This is really simple. You don't need to be unsure of whether or not he means what he says, because what he says is irrelevant, it is what he does that counts, and it comes down to what you do also.
At the moment, he is controlling this situation. He is dictating the terms of engagement between all 3 of you, and he is keeping things uncertain as a way of keeping things going along exactly the way they are, the same way they have been for the last 6 months. There is a simple way for you to assert your control over the situation, you need to do two things.
First, you need to put a time frame on things. He has said he wants to end it with her, and just be with you. Fine, but he is explaining how he can't do it now, he has to do it slowly, this is a way of simply stringing you both along, either because it suits him great, or he doesn't have the courage to do what he needs to do. Maybe a bit of both, but now is the time that he needs to show you if he is really sincere about wanting to be with you or not. I know it isn't easy to break up with someone, and he may have real feelings for her, and it may be a delicate situation, but he only has himself to blame for putting himself in this situation. He claims that doing it now will be damaging, but that is not actually true. The damage has already been done, there will never be an easy time for him to do it. Also, delaying it is damaging to you, now that you have reached this point. If he is sincere about his love for you, he cannot profess it and still be with her, that would be heartbreaking for you, and damage your relationship moving forward.
Secondly, you need to stop having sex with him until he has broken up with her. Your relationship needs to go on hold until he has done what he needs to do. You need to do this because if you don't he will simply keep stringing you both along until it is done, and if he is still getting sex from you, he may never actually do it. You can decide whether it is ok for you to still be in contact or not until then, and this might depend on the time frame you agree on.
To give you the simple answer, your relationship goes on hold until he has ended the relationship with her. If he truly loves you and is sincere, he will want to do this as soon as possible, and will develop the courage to do this. Know that if you don't do this, he has no reason to change the relationship as it is.
Additionally, you will need proof that he has ended the relationship. He needs to end it, and then he needs to send her an email where you can see it is clear that he is talking about the fact that it has ended. At least, that is something I would require, as there is nothing preventing him from telling you he has ended it with her where he hasn't.
There are two other things. First, this relationship started as an infidelity, from both of you. He cheated on his girlfriend with you, and you knew that he had a girlfriend and was cheating. This makes you both inherently untrustworthy, but from your perspective, you have to be concerned with his trustworthiness going into this relationship. This relationship communicates the subtle message that having an affair is an acceptable way of behaving, and relationships that start like this often end with affairs down the track when things get more challenging, when the honeymoon period is over, or when life gets stressful. It is the familiar response, so you need to know that this is a risk in this relationship.
The second thing which is related, is that you are approaching this from a particular perspective. That is, "I have a man who has another woman, what can I do to win him over and make him mine? Even if that means him seeing us both and me trying to win him from her, my focus is on winning him, on making him mine". This has put you in this position, this focus on winning him. What if you had a different focus which is "I want a man who loves me and treats me the way I want to be treated, I want to have the right kind of relationship with the right person"? Getting your man, or being in the hunt for your man, or winning, might feel good, but you don't necessarily end up with a good man or a good relationship.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 he has been stringing you along for 6 months already and he will continue to do this until either you put a stop to it or he gets caught.
i would definitely take a step back from him until he actually does what he says he is gonna do and LEAVES HER. to be honest i would not accept him if he did leave her and come to you. why would you want to be landed with a bloke like him who has already proven to you that he has no problem with infidelity? would you ever really trust him? whenever he goes away, stays out all night, works late, goes out with his mates etc.. after all, he will not be able to allay your fears by telling you 'honey, i would never cheat - i'm not that sort of person!' (coz you already know he is EXACTLY that sort of person.
oh by the way OP - i love you! xx (obviously i DON'T but do you see how EASY it is to say it to someone? unfortunately, the word 'love' to some people is just a ticket that gets them sex, money, accommodation, gifts or whatever else they want. don't be fooled by sweet talk. look for something more tangible from him.
i am sorry if my answer is not nice for you, but i really hope it can help you, nevertheless
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): No, no and no.Talk is cheap. People can say anything. ACTIONS count. He isn't staying with his girlfriend for her sake, but for his. How does one gradually back out of a relationship without their partner noticing and questionning? And when that happens does he plan to string her along with trite assurances until he's finally ready to walk away?Besides, as long as you're prepared to supplement what he isn't getting from his girlfriend he'll have even less incentive to either fix or end his relationship with her. And you'll remain in limbo until you've finally had enough...and that only after considerable heartache.The way it works is if both parties are still interested in a relationship after prior entanglements have been sorted out, then great. In the meantime a woman does not wait for a man. If she is single then she lives her life as a single woman, free to date whomever she pleases. If the man wants her that badly, he won't risk losing her to someone else.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Imagine that he is telling HER the same thing too.
Now how do you feel?
He is forgetting to add some words to tell you both.
"But you are not enough for me, so I have someone else too."
He is one of those monkeys that needs a vine in one hand before letting go of another.
Let him go.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 Does she believe his words?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 June 2011):
 I can only second CaringGuys answer.
LOOK at his actions and not just his words, even though.. they are some mighty pretty words.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2011):
I'm afraid you're fooling yourself. This is a good post, because you've written all those words that your 'boyfriend' has written to you, and this shows why it's so important that women get away from the idea of words in favour of watching and responding to a man's actions.
All those words are meaningless - because he won't leave her. And that is the one action, the one thing that would have counted.
This guy is a liar, and he will trample on you as much as he has this other girl. This is probably a letter that he has saved for all the women he lies to.
He could have dumped her before starting with you, and he didn't. He could have dumped her since, and he hasn't. He will not dump her. Instead, he's going to be cruel and keep her on a string 'backing away slowly'.
The one action that could have shown that he cared would have been if he'd dumped her some time ago. He didn't do that, and he'll never do that.
End it, or become the girl that he is with now - hurt, used, cheated on.
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