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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been seeing a guy who has a girlfriend for nearly a year. He says the only reason he stays with his girlfreind is because they have a young child and his father left him when his was little and he vowed to never do this if he ever had children. I am confussed though as he is always asking me how I feel about him and says he really cares and can't stop thinking about me. I haven't really told him how I feel, although I really like him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2007): He has a girlfriend and a kid,says he loves seeing me.What should i do?
If you had a boyfriend and a kid and you loved seeing someone,would you dump your boyfriend and your kid just to be with 'a nice guy'who says he 'loves seeing you'?
If you are happy with your family then simply tell the guy you have a family that you love.
What more can he do than curse you.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (14 June 2006):
 No its no way to start a family but its his choice.
I you are happy to just to see him casually and you know thats all it will ever be then good luck. Just dont go lying to yourself that its going to be more than that. Have fun with him, but hes still cheating on the gf whatever the circumstances, and you dont really know what he has told her, she could be oblvious to what his intentions are. Just dont hold yourself make when there could be someone out there thats free available and able to commit to you.
Take care
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to keep going on! :-) I am fine on my own and have been for the last 3 years, my point was, that if I enjoy seeing him, why end it just to be on my own? surely that is cutting off my nose to spite my face? I really don't think he is happy with his girlfriend - otherwise he wouldn't be seeing me! He also split up with a girl he really liked to make a home with her and the child when he found out she was pregnant. Deep down I think that he will not leave his girlfriend for me, as much as I hate to admit it, as, like you say, he would have done so already. But I do think he is burrying his head in the sand and in years to come, he will leave her... but then I wont still be around, and that's what's so fustrating. He hasn't thought this through and appears to be just going along with it. He is living a lie and pretending to play happy families because that was the choice he made. He's never told anyone before about how he came to have a child so young and said he hasn't wanted to talk about it as he doesn't want to admit, even to himself. Surely this is no way to start a family?
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (13 June 2006):
Well the only risk you run with that one is being alone in the end totally. Just that while you are seeing him you are less inclined to see anybody else, so in a way its holding you back. You may not realise it, whilst being happy to see someone if only part time is enough now, later on you will want more and more and he cant give that to you. And you will end up at this junction again, you are obviously not totally sold on the idea in your mind anyway. If you do continue, its quite possible that you will take yourself off the market, and not be open to someone that comes your way, someone that could be the one thats able to spend all his time with you, and give you 100% If your able to cope with seeing him like this and maybe denying yourself someone elses affections then by all means go along with it, but it could do you more harm than good. I know its difficult and you dont want to be on your own, but you are only "seeing" him and you know that a long term thing wont come out of it and you are in affect a bit on the side, even if its not intended that way. I can see you dont want to be on your own, but at some point in life you might have to be, and its good to be able to be comfortable with just yourself for a change, its just you may be holding yourself back for bigger and better things, so longs you know thats its probably never really going to be feesable for you and him to be together properly and your cool with hanging in then go for it, but you have to consider that life is for the taking and you should give yourself options. You dont want to wake up in 10 years time in the same boat, wishing you had got out and about and found someone that can devote more time to you. I wish you the best in what you decide, but its not gonna be easy whichever you to do, but at least you may have a better insight now.
Take care x x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, you are right in that this thing scares me, because I made end it all and he may well walk away. You are right too, that he doesn't want to admit that his realtionship with his girlfriend is flawed. His point is (and I kind of agree to an extent) is that if I enjoy seeing him and he also wants to see me, why not continue? I could and can still meet someone else, and he know this... is it better to see him like this until I meet someone else, than not at all and be completely alone until I meet someone else? Is that really stupid?
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (13 June 2006):
I wasnt saying you were naive for a second a hun, its just how long are you prepared to have your life put on hold for ? You say surely he cant spend the rest of his life with someone he doesnt want to ? Then at what point is he going to leave his child then ? You say he doesnt want the child to have a broken home, whats going to happen to you while your waiting for him, your life will be passing you by, you will always feel like this, to a point 2nd best until he decides his child is okay to take the news he is leaving! How old is the child ? Surely no matter what point he leaves if ever, the child is going to be affected ? Say he decides to stick around until the child is 16.. what then ? I think the fact is he doesnt want to leave, or he would, its no use saying its because of the child, as a child will become happy in an uhappy relationship at home. Whats the point sticking around now if hes going to leave anyway ? Has he thought this through ? if he stays because he doesnt want the child to come from a broken home at what point is it okay for him to leave, does he realise that this could be 16 more years ? maybe longer, a child is still a child at the age of 16 and is more so likely to be affected by a parent walking out on them then, as all they believed and trusted was a lie and it all fell apart ? And during this 16 years, do you really think you are okay to sit and watch him, catch bit parts of him, knowing that hes always going home to her, knowing that in that time hes never going to be your partner but hers ? Do you really think that the connection you say you have is worht this big bulk of your life ? all that time that you could be forming relations with other people, starting your own family. This is huge, your life spent waiting while hes living the life he wants or he wouldnt be doing it. You either have him now or not at all, its a very long time to sit and wait hun, especially when you got to sit and watch him playing happy families when you know deep down you want him. Hes not allowing himself to be yours, for whatever reason, hes happy to let you watch him have his life while your not having yours. The child in the long run, if he just stayed because of the child, could infact turn out worse, and be more scared for living a lie. Its always best to tell the truth, and i dont think he really is staying for just for the child, and the hard part is so do you... neither of you will admit it, he wont admit it to himself, and the thought scares you. but you have to make a break as your life will pass you by.
Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your honesty, but I am not as naive as you think. The thing is, he had split from his girlfriend for a reason - the only reason they got back together was because she was pregnant, therefore, he is not in love with his girlfriend. He says he wishes there was more between us becuase he wants us to have a proper relationship, however, if he leaves his girlfriend - he is also, in a sense, leaving his child. I can understand why he is trying to stick by his girlfriend, but also see what he is doing is not right (and he knows this also). I know I could meet someone else, but it is so rare that I have a connection with anyone, I am finding it so difficult to walk away, and I know he feels the same about me. You say it will never happen, but sometimes, it does! Surely he can't live the rest of his life with someone he doesn't truely want to be with?
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (13 June 2006):
" he wishes there was more between you ?" in what way ? Apart from leaving his girlfriend what more does he want ? I dont think he loves you, and I dont think he ever will, this is harsh but he is using his child as an excuse for not leaving his girlfriend. So hes infact lying when he says i wish there was more, its just what he thinks you want to hear, to keep you hanging in there. If he were that unhappy his child will sense this anyway and thats worse for the child, especially if later on the child thinks it was lied to. He is actually having an affair with you, and doesnt want to let it go as it takes away the focus of the mundane normal family life, you are an escape for him. He is attached, always will be, hes not going to leave her for you. He wants to stay "friends" as your a conveinient way for no strings sex most probably with the added conversation bonus. I dont say he doesnt like you as a friend but his intentions are not about you, its what he wants ... always has been, this isnt what you want, a man you cant have that already has a ready made family, you are just there for a hobbie and hes got used to you being around. Walk away, you need to move on, stop clinging on to something that isnt there and isnt going to be. Hes being a selfish so and so anyway as his gf is probably totally unaware and so is his child. be the stronger party in this and cut all ties, he isnt any good for you and its not ever going to happen. Find a man thats not attached, they are far far simpler! They have all the time in the world for you and you dont have to share them!
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello therejust thought i'd give an up-date on my situation, and see if anyone has nay further advice or views.Basically I told him I wanted to end the relationship last week as I was finding it difficult. He said he didn't want to loose me and couldn't bear not seeing me anymore, even as a friend. I agreed to see him again to talk about it, and he told me that he wasn't even with his girlfriend when he found out she was pregnant. Basically, they had split up, he later bumped into her one night and they slept together, a few months later (while he had started seeing someone else) she told him she was pregnant. He then finished with his girlfriend to set up home with her and be a Dad. I now don't know what to do again, I cannot carry on the way we are (his girlfriend is already suspicious), but I really, really like him. He says he wishes there was more between us, but I think the major problem is his girlfriends family are not from round here, so I'm guessing if they did split up, she wouold want to move near them and he would hardly ever see his child. I just don't know what to do or what I can say to him to make him see how crazy this is...
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDoes anyone think I should tell him how I feel? He keeps asking me and says he wants me to be honest, but I am trying to keep things "simple" so always avoid the questions and I put up a front to try and protect myself. He also gets fustrated when I don't call him/text him back or cannot see him. I think he thinks I am using him, but why does he need to know how I feel if it is not going to change anything?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): hi there i would never go near anyone with kids as they will always be ahead of you in priorities.i am twenty six now but years ago i met someone with a kid and no way was i going any further with him.Cmon hes with someone and you will always be second best.now i am in a very happy marriage with our own kids.im so glad i did what i did and yes i felt too he was the only one i could talk to .but hold on and get out and meet new people good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): think about this, reverse the situation. if you were the other woman left holding the baby!!! what would you expect you bf/husband to do? you should NEVER EVER get involved with someone until the marriage/ relationship has broken down and officially ended! only then can you go into the relationship knowing that they are with you and only you. i personally couldn' bear the thought of havin s*x with someone who has possibly had s*x with someone else the same day yuk. follow you gut feeling on this one.
good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses, it does make a lot of sense, although maybe not what I wanted to hear! I was hoping for a male perspective, possibly from someone who has been in this situation. I guess I am hoping that as his feelings grow towards me he will decide to end the realtionship with his girlfriend to be with me, or perhaps if I stopped seeing him he would realise how much he missed me. Although this sounds bizzare, I do and could trust him, I have never felt this way about anyone else and he feels the same. I also look at it like this, am I better off seeing him every now then (I am single after all) and having fun together, than not ever seeing him at all and maybe being with someone I don't get on with as well?
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reader, jo_betty_smith +, writes (12 April 2006):
 ...when his child grows up, that child will say to his girlfriend/wife: "I never want to do what my dad did and be having an affair the entire time I'm pretending we're a happy family". He's not really any better than his own dad, he's just leaving a different legacy.
I think you've either got to end it, or decide if you want to be together properly. He could still be a committed father even without being in a relationship with the child's mother. The current situation doesn't seem to be a happy or fulfilling one for anyone involved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): Sad that he would give up his life for his child, yes. But does this mean you should give up yours for him? I understand that he has his reasons for making his choice, but that choice leaves you with a choice: are you going to choose to stay in a relationship where you have him only part-time; on his terms; when he isn't going to get "caught", meaning that none of your needs are being met? Sure, you have a great connection, but is that connection worth your life? You will never get to live with this guy, marry this guy, have kids with this guy, you'll never be able to invite him as your guest to your best friends wedding, go to the movies with him, have dinner in your favourite restaurant with him, wake up next to him with the security that he will always be there. Your life will be hotel rooms, and secret meetings, not being able to call him whenever you want, pining for him alone knowing that he is at home eating dinner with his wife. It totally, totally sucks that your options are limited, but there are no happy endings in this relationship. He has made his choice and that choice is clear and unchangeable. Now you have to decide what you choose for yourself and for your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you are saying (I would say the same to someone else). But is it not possible that we are better suited? I have never met anyone else I get on with as well as him and he says the same. Our relationship is not just based on sex, we also see each other just to talk and be together. The child was not planned and I can totally apprecitate him wanting to be there and not disrupt things and it is very sad that he is prepared to give up his life for his child.
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reader, Clarey +, writes (11 April 2006):
 I think you should stop seeing him. What a horrible man. He wants you for one thing, he has made it clear he won't be leaving his family. He very likely never will - it's a complete waste of time. He will find someone else to play with but at least you won't be responsible for a child potentially losing its family. The only time it is ever alright to start a relationship with someone who has been married is when their marriage is verifiably and completely over. Imagine how well you could trust this man if you ended up together..had a child...where would you think he was if he was late home or away on business. A poisoned chalice, don't drink from it.
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