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female
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anonymous
writes: I met a guy last year. saw him once literally for 10 minutes(nothing happened. no sparks just crazy happy conversation). exchanged emails for several months.He immediately asked me to lunch the next time he'd be in town. sked me to meet him in various cities. I always declined. He stopped emailing when I said my dog died.(or so I thought) 8 months later he emailed and wished me a merry xmas and asked if I was going to vegas again. I replied that I was not and to take a hike because he didn't email. He said he had 5-6 x and never got a reply. He was also upset that I had not called him back once. Fast forward to this second attempt ( he said in the xmas email,I'm trying again...one last attempt) from this point email exchanges became regular and progressed to romantic.He admitted he got "goosebumps" when he spoke to me and couldn't concentrate on meetings, etc. Emails were approx. 3-11x a day for two months. A few phone calls, not many. Came to my city but we had loose "maybe" plans. Didn't see each other. He also didn't say he was in and kind of let that day go by (although I was not going to meet him).This man is a world traveller. London to China to California on a regular basis.Big job. Made more serious plans to meet me in my city two weeks ago. He was on a business trip.Said he would try to call me tomorrow...this happened a few times no calls. Says he misses me and apologized for the lack of communication.(Had forwarned me that there would be a lapse of communication.) But now no mention of that "highly charged" visit to my city and this is tomorrow. I believe it will not take place.(nor would I be available at this time. Too late notice.).Not even an email other than a big crazy apology two weeks ago.Going to Germany, France, California, etc...within three weeks."Things are not usually this crazy...I'm really sorry..thinking about you a lot." he said. then another email..."just looking at your picture...'.Can't wait to see you. Then nothing. I feel broken hearted but also as if I was dumped in a bucket of ice water.Hot to coldI emailed saying I will close this email account. No reply. Any thoughts.? I can get over it but is there a personality thing going on? I did say how i wanted to speak. This guy is wired and messages from foreign countries are no big deal.Can he so compartmentalize his life and still like me? No folks. I won't wait for him but I'm hurting.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2006): Hi Martini,I understand what you'er saying but I really need to intellectualize his behaviour..this helps me. I am already much better than yesterday and now I am actually quite curious as to some of my theories...i.e wtf was that...this thing hit me out of the blue. Saying I'll call is not that simple really.There is an element of abuse. i.e he say "don't chicken out on me for our meeting" (which was today but didn't happen). He was setting me up..this is what's disturbing. It's just really really strange. especially from someone who is a big wheel wo makes serious decisions and closer to 40 years old than 20.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): I know it's hard not to think about the "What if's" and "Why's" but, I suggest that every time stuff pops up in your head - questions, victimization ideas, pay-back, karma, etc - you should mentally tell yourself to "shut up", and try to focus your mind into something else.
That's what I've been trying to do for myself the past little while. Every time I think, "But she was really..." I quickly tell myself to shut up then think about my work, or think about why that guy in front of me is driving at 30km's/hr, or why are there so many children crossing the road... 8]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): btw anonymous said he "probably doesnt'want anything". Well he confirmed the day he was coming in..the 12th (today) two weeks ago and kept talking about it . he said he'd be coming in mid morning etc and to think about how I could see him. Wanted to make specific plans and asked me not to "chicken out on him"...Was he setting me up to victimize me? Somehow I think this is beyond random. Just like the I'll call you I'll call you tomorrw hope yo 're available to talk.I mean this was very deliberate questions
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Wow. You are all so brilliant really.Irish 49. thank you. Martini you'd be surprised how attached I got through the emails. Apparently so did guy in question. He did reply sometimes 6 x a day, when in his home town. This is really hard. I haven't fallen this hard in years and i have some theories as to why I did but can't be certain. i.e my dad died when I was 14 months old and he was always a concept /virtual if you know what I mean...so is this guy. He is virtual..except I am now thinking that he is an emotional abuser. He would say I'll call you tomorrow. And he used to.but since his ski trip something's up..could there be more to it? Is it possible that he really felt something for me and got freaked out? I know I'm smart. My Life hasn't been better in many many years and I get completely floored by someone I don't even know., Could this guy perhaps have a personality disorder? Like the initial "second coming" where he says he emailed 5-6x after my dog died and then he say I never called him back last year. Could this be a"payback"...I mean it's true I didn't call himn back last year but there was really nothing between us. It was a professional question I needed answered but that was that...but he remembered.that's odd no? I meant something to him. No? If so what.Even if it's a negative thing..what made him tick. Do you thinnk he'll reach out again? No don't worry I won't respond BUT yes I am still hung up.I really need to profile this guy. he mentioned once in an email that he was pissed off because he had just gotten splashed by a car in the rain that he was going back to the office to "abuse someone".
hmmm?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Do the hard work and get over this guy. Leave him in the dust, hun. If someone told me he liked me but never wanted to take it further, I would take it as 'No, he's just playing with your emotions'. I would find someone and someplace else for my interests. He's wasting your time. We sometimes lose our boundaries and our feelings rage out of control. This is the time we cling to our inner pride, our self-respect and rely on our own good judgment. Sounds like you are a smart girl and you are on to his games. Like Martini said, it is important to watch what people do and how it relates to you, rather than listening to this guy's "flowery, romantic words". Something's up with him. Change that e-mail account or just block him. Btw, you seem strong..stay that way no matter how hurt you feel. Hold out for better. Take care and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2006): Seems to me that he's generating an insurance mentality with you. As if you can/will probably wait for him when he's good and ready, and takes u for granted at the same time. Nah, I say ditch the guy and just move on.
I don't think emails alone are enough to really attach yourself over him. It's easy to say, "I miss you a lot. I wish I can call u whenever I want. Talking with you always makes me sleep easier." or "I went to Hong Kong today to see X client. The whole time the client was talking, I couldn't help but 'see' you everywhere. I can't but think of you wherever I go."
Words are so easy. Action as you can see is quite lacking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2006): I think you're right, close the account. I think that he likes having you at the other end of email but doesn't actually want anything. He probably is married or something and likes knowing that he has some other babe on the side. Annoying that you'll never get the true story from him but you know the right thing to do. Cut all ties. He's a loser.
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