A
female
age
51-59,
*psydazy
writes:My husband and I were separated for a year. After the first 6 months we started to talk and go out to dinner and such. We do have a daughter together and we were only married a little over a year when we separated. We worked on things and he had been back living at home for the past year. Things are wonderful and I was happy till the other day. I found his old cell phone with pictures and text messages sent to his ex and her texting back. After reading the text messages they had sex. I am beside myself. I was happy and things were wonderful. The way our marriage was to be in the first place. It's hard for me now and question the love he has for me. I am not sure what happened and why my husband and his ex didn't work out again. (she cheated on him after being together for 2 years). When we started dating she hated that he was able to move on. He said he can never forgive her for cheating on him. So now my question is .. did he cheat on me? neither one of us filed for divorce during our separation. I haven't said anything to him that I know that he and his ex were spending time together and also having sex. I haven't been able to sleep or eat knowing this happened. I am sick and can't get it out of my mind. I need some help here cause I need to make a decision of either telling him that I know or leave it all alone and live with what I know. Please if anyone can give me advice on this.Thanks
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divorce, his ex, living at home, move on, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): If he slept with her while he was back living with you and you two were working on fixing things then yes he cheated obviously. If while you were apart I wouldn't call it cheating although legally it would still be since you were only separated. Talk to him about it and get help if you need to.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 March 2012):
 This guy has gotten himself in to what I would call the "Dreamland" of manhood..... He has TWO women concerned/fighting over him.... and BOTH of those women are willing to have s*x with him.... and NEITHER is strong enough to shut him off from that s*x and make him confront what a RAT he is.......
Good luck to you and his ex-......
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 March 2012):
 I would say yes, technically. However, from what I have seem many many people start to date/see other people during the time of separation, because they have a need to prove that "they still got it" or because they really don't want to be alone.
And some people try and cure a broken heart with meaningless sex.
I think this is going to be hard to "get over" because you see it as betrayal. As I see it though, if you two got back together there has to be something that made you two decide to not divorce.
Like it or not, he slept with her. You two were not together and perhaps not planning on getting back together? Either way, you two need to talk about it, you can't sweep this one under the rug and think it will go away.
What you DO need to figure out if this is something you can get past and figure out HOW you can get past it.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 This is a difficult one and all depends on one's viewpoint.
Separation usually means the end of the relationship however I concur from your post that during the separation you didnt seek a relationship with another man. He on the otherhand, seems to have had sex with another woman, and I would guess it was only sex, no strings attached.
Have you and your husband gone to Marriage counselling? I strongly suggest that you do go, there was obviously a serious enough problem that caused the separation in the first place which I feel needs to be addressed or else it will rear its ugly head again.
Also, you need to work thru [with a counsellor] your issue about him having sex whilst you were separated. Learning how to move on with your lives together and be positive.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 A separation is a separation and for most people it signals the end of a marriage (or relationship) and most people will move on to other partners in this time (because we are only human after all) even if papers havent been filed.
If your husband had sex with this woman before he began courting you again then technically you were broke up and he is entitled to sleep with who ever he wants. If he slept with her AFTER he rekindled with you, then I'd say be cautious.
The fact that the ex he slept with is unreliable and had previously cheated on him would indicate that he was just looking for sex (and better the devil you know).
Your being upset over this is kinda misplaced. Just because you didn't go running straight out and having sex with someone doesn't mean he shouldn't have. It's different for men!! and he probably thought he was permanently broken up with you but has now had time to reflect about how he feels and has come back. He did not have to be faithful to you in this time and most men wouldn't.
I can see where you are coming from and why you feel hurt but you need to look at the big picture.If you arn't prepared to see how it is or let it go, then you should probably proceed with your divorce and let that be an end to it.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (14 March 2012):
 Technically, yes, he did cheat.
I am not sure what the terms of your separation were, but this could also be a gray area. If you intended to split up or your marriage was over, I think you probably need to let this incident pass. Also, at what point was he intimate with her? If he was living with you but seeing her, than that is definitely cheating, but if the intent was separation and then ultimately divorce, I think you probably need to cut him some slack.
Don't expect to get over this quickly. My guess is that she was in the wings and waiting for him and she was available. As his marriage was unraveling, he went to her to seek comfort and companionship. With the state of your marriage, the one he normally would go to (you) wasn't available.
To avoid further complications, I would give yourself sometime to get over this. Make sure that his relationship with her has ended and he is focused on you. If, after time, you feel that you are still feeling betrayed, I suggest you find a therapist to talk to. Their professional opinion may help you deal with your emotions as well as whatever else is going on in your marriage.
Good luck.
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