A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a serious problem thats ruining my life no end.Ive been a single mother(technically) for a couple of years now since my sons father decided todo a dissapearing act.I always managed to cover this up with a story about my sons father working for father christmas and thats why he gets more toys than most kids but doesnt see his dad so much.(My son is 7 by the way).Recently my son saw his father and shouted to him, he got blanked so shouted again and again and again until he was in tears screaming. When i saw how hurt my son was i shouted to him myself and asked him to say hello atleast.he didnt even look back or even wave, just scurried on as if we were invisable.Ever since, my son has been extremely unhappy, throwing tantrums several times a day. Screaming, shouting and even grappling with me. At times he even says he hates me. He also comes home from school saying how angry he is with all of his friends and that hes been crying as they wont play his games.I keep crying as its stressing me out so much. Ive tried reassuring him that im going know were, tried buying him toys, games,books etc even tried punishment at one point in the form of taking his toys away.Most recently(being lastnight) i promised him a birthday party if he began to show me more respect which seems to be working so far but for how long?It seems i am clearing up the mess my ex has left behind and i feel helpless is handling things. Things have gotten so bad im wondering if i should get him counceling as i dont want him growing up resenting the world.I feel sorry for my son yet wonder why he is lashing out at me when all i do is put him first,he doesnt go without, gets lots of effection, rewards etc. Before all of this he was such a sweet, innocant, clever child. Now all he does is hate on the world. how do i stop my little boy from being so angry all the time?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Hi all, i am the op, to the male who felt the need to post a load of bull about me being a selfish parent etc- nice try but i know im a good mother so go waste your pointless view on someone else....a child abuser, a neglectfull parent, a peodophile! Idiot!
As for the rest of you, thankyou very much for all of the advice. Im feeling a little better now and my son seems to have cheered up no end. We decided to have 'mummy-son' time this afternoon which worked a treat.
I know i was wrong to lie to him but i couldnt bare to tell him the truth and see his little heart break. Now that the truth is out i can only deal with it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): "I always managed to cover this up with a story about my sons father working for father christmas and thats why he gets more toys than most kids but doesnt see his dad so much.(My son is 7 by the way)."
You told your son a lie you should have never perpetuated in the interest of "covering up" for you and loser baby daddy, son didn't benefit from lie at all, you did.
"I keep crying as its stressing me out so much. Ive tried reassuring him that im going know were, tried buying him toys, games,books etc even tried punishment at one point in the form of taking his toys away."
Your son has done nothing to deserve punishment. His father split, you lied about it, your son saw his father by chance, father ignored him, why wouldn't son be upset? He has legitimate reasons not to believe a word you say. Don't blame your son for his parents' shortcomings as parents, which is exactly what you're doing.
"I feel sorry for my son yet wonder why he is lashing out at me when all i do is put him first,he doesnt go without, gets lots of effection, rewards etc."
You didn't put him first, you lied about his father for your convenience and then punished your son for responding appropriately when son discovered what a cold unfeeling jerk his father is, the same father whom you lied works for Father Christmas.
"Before all of this he was such a sweet, innocant, clever child. Now all he does is hate on the world. how do i stop my little boy from being so angry all the time?"
You can't. You picked a deadbeat absentee loser to be your son's father and then lied to him about it. Why should he ever trust you or the world?
"Most recently(being lastnight) i promised him a birthday party if he began to show me more respect which seems to be working so far but for how long?"
Abslutely shocking behavior for the mother of a justifiably unhappy kid. You can't bribe your son into respecting you by putting strings on such events as his birthday party, and you can't emotionally blackmail him into respecting you by putting strings on such events as his birthday party. You're only fueling his resentment and anger towards you.
"I feel heartbroken for him. How can a person be so cruel as to put a young child through so much pain?"
That's the question you should be asking about yourself, not baby daddy.
Your son is only seven and already an emortional train wreck thanks to you. Please please please actually put his interests before yours for once and make an appointment for him to see a counselor. It's his only hope to survive such breathtakingly selfish and clueless parents.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 My suggestions would be that you stop making up stories and excuses for his dad. The man abandoned him. Don't talk smack about his Dad either, but be honest with your son. If he asks where he dad is or why he left, be honest and tell him you don't know.
Find a good child's therapist and get your son some help in dealing with this instead of creating unrealistic fantasies that will only break his heart.
Also, have you two set up visitation and maintenance?
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (14 March 2012):
 It sounds like your son is very confused with what is happening in his life.
I suggest that you get your son to a child psychologist as soon as possible.
Bribing him is a good idea for the short term but what happens when bribes no longer work?
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (14 March 2012):
 You can't, nor should you try, to purchase your son's good behavior by offering him toys and parties. That'll only teach him that if he pushes you hard enough, you'll spoil him to get him to be good.
When he pushes the boundaries, stay absolutely calm. Send him immediately to his room, not yelling at him, not saying anything. Take away ALL his toys/entertainment, for half an hour. The next time he disobeys or acts up, do it again. Be absolutely calm, unflappable and consistent. Each time he pushes you, show him that you will NOT be fazed by his behavior, you are the adult in this situation and you will stay in control and perfectly calm.
What he is trying to do right now is a few things. He's trying to express his anger, fear and disappointment, but because he's only a child, he has no idea how to do this constructively without hurting anyone or getting into trouble. You have to show him that he needs to find new ways to express his negative emotions. He has to learn constructive coping skills now, because if you don't teach him that his actions have consequences, he'll grow up to think that being violent and aggressive is the best way to deal with bad situations.
He's also pushing your boundaries as a parent to see how far you will let him go. Do Not Let Him Push You. Strict, calm, loving parenting with firm guidelines about respectful behavior is the thing he's craving. Kids -need- rules. They're comforting and makes him feel secure and safe. Show him that you can be the strong parent he needs by setting those ground rules now.
Also, don't lie to your son. His dad isn't working for Santa, and now that he knows the truth, he feels betrayed by you, so now he feels like he cannot trust you. -Do Not- lie to your children about anything. Eventually when the truth comes out, the pain of the realization that you lied to him is much worse than the relatively minor pain of the truth. Children are much smarter and more resilient than we give them credit for. Be honest with them, give them rules and don't back down. He needs you right now. Don't let him down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Hi, thankyou so much for your helpfull advice. Ive had quite a bit of bother with the ex- been down the solicitor route, tried sending my son to stay with his family in order to build bridges but they always let him down after 2 or 3 visits. Its got to the point were i dont want them to see my son as they get his hopes up then decide to cut contact again. I find it more harmfull to my son than anything.
Hes next to me now, seems happy. Says he loves me etc but when i pick him up from school i know i will get the 'i hate you' card.
I feel heartbroken for him. How can a person be so cruel as to put a young child through so much pain?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): Its an awful situation,your sons confused.
You should have told him the truth at the start, children need to know, to digest the information, just as we do.He hasn't been able to come to terms with it
When he saw his dad he knew the truth, he knew you had lied to him,he knew his dad didn't want to know.
What you need to do is sit him down and tell him what happened, that your ex walked out. That he is not coming back to live with you.You need to reassure him your not going anywhere,that you love him, not by buying loads of toys.
If you can contact your ex, by letter or via a solicitor/court and work out some kind of access so your son can see him, it would be great. Don't tell your son your doing it,raising his hopes, just try to build bridges with the ex with regard to your son.If it doesn't work, at least you've tried your hardest.
Its not easy when your abandoned I know, so good luck.
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