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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband had an affair. We are working through the aftermath of pain and we are happier than we have been for a long time. However, I am having a problem with my anger at his mistress.She has set herself up as an agony aunt for betrayed women. She gives women hope when they have been decieved by their husbands, berates the men and offers a sympathetic shoulder to their wives. Her husband cheated on her of course and she was badly hurt, he married his lover. Her recovery was helped along by an affair with my husband of 20 years. He is gutted that it happened and our recovery is good. I am so angry with this woman it is spoiling my own recovery.How could she do this and still present herself as the hard done by woman, how could she have an affair with him knowing he was married with kids. I even found out about them and I gave my husband the option to leave but he broke down and asked for forgiveness. He stopped seeing her but began again soon after. How could she do this then, knowing she was causing so much pain. She has hurt me badly, and I watch her comforting others with horror. I truly would like to be free of the thoughts of her. She haunts me.......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): Thanks to all for your comments. Feeling so much better, as you all know recovery comes in waves. I have decided I've given enough thought to the mistress. She hasn't asked for my forgiveness so I don't have to give it. By the way my husbands office is full of our family photos so she knew exactly what would be at stake. So did he.....A new job and a new phase for us, scarred but still breathing..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): Thank you both. I have really good days and a few bad ones, I guess this is a bad one. We have both had counselling, know why our marriage ran into difficulty, and believe that we can recover together. Their affair lasted over two years and I know as much about that time as I have had the courage to hear. The things she shared with my husband hurt and appalled me. He has had a life experience I was not a part of,and it feels as though she stole part of my history.
I often wonder how she could have continued seeing him knowing that I was in pain. Perhaps she felt as though hers was greater. When he finally broke free he had to deal with all the areas in his life which were hurting him and he healed well, with help. He is truly sorry.
Her website is irritating, I don't look at it now, but she is regarded as a 'vicim turned survivor,a heroine'.
Good for her.....If only people knew the truth.
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A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (5 May 2006):
 People compartmentalise issues in their lives, which makes it perfectly possible that she could see her affair with your husband and her grieving for the fact that she has been cheated on, as different.
You are feeling angry with no place to put it. In similar situations I have imagined expessing myself directly to the individual concerned. It feels good to think about it. In the end I thought, well this person is not worth my effort. You could think up all sorts of juicy things to do, like writing to her (is it a website?) anonymously saying you have been cheated on by someone like her, who has also set up a support group. Ask her if she has any insight into how a person can do exactly the same thing to someone else that they are preaching against. How to deal with that anger? I think though, that she would separate herself from what she has done and not link the two in her answer. Total frustration for you.
You will get some satisfaction in hearing from people on this website, which is good. This poor lady is a sad shadow of you. She is in denial and trying to make herself feel better. In similar sitations I have taken a pillow into the garden, pinned on a very unflattering drawing of the face of the ugly person who hurt me and given it a sound whacking with a cricket bat. It's great fun, you should try!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 May 2006):
 Affairs are never easy and yes I think I would be angry too as she does sound hypocritical, can you let the site know the truth about this agony aunt at all? They should be aware of all of the facts as the advice she is giving to others is as you state not completely true so they should be made aware of this and then they have the full facts in front of them.
After 10 months of counselling myself after finding out that my ex had been cheating on me for 2 and a half years, it helped me to understand the whole aspect of affairs.
I mean you must be aware of the fact that affairs happen due to the fact that there are problems in the relationship and so some people find that rather than being able to discuss the problems fully with their partner they find that having solace in another person is so much easier and it also brings in the excitement factor that is probably missing in the relationship so it is the thrill element that means it continues.
Perhaps this mistress sees the affair as a payback for her husband's affair, the one whole factor that she has decided to omit is you and your children as she obviously has no quilt as she was the victim originally.
I cannot understand how someone who was cheated on can then turn around and cheat on someone else as the pain must be so high.
You are working things through with your husband and that is great. It didn't happen for me as it seemed to be happening but then outside factors ruined it and so the ex mistress is the outside factor that you need to ignore big time. Don't let her win twice, it will peeve her even more if she knows that you have saved your marriage where she could not with her own.
Your anger towards the ex mistress is normal but it all depends on how much information she was given at the time and if she knew as much as you believe she did. I am not saying that she is good or wholesome as that is so obviously not the case but there are many factors in an affair.
Are you getting counselling right now? Relate and couple counselling and even individual counsellors really helped me to view my life in a totally different way and helped me to regain my strength back in my life.
Just don't be beaten by this, stay strong and positive and know what you want out of life and this will help you no end.
BFN
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): The only way you're going to get through this is to get her out of your life so that you don't know what she's up too.
There is no way that you should be letting your husband see her. Not if you want to get over this.
It's not for you to forgive her for what she had done, but if you you wanted to attempt to then you have to see that she was probably messed up badly by her husband cheating and leaving her, and because of how she felt she went on to cause your husband to cheat. I'm not excusing her behaviour, but you it's not abnormal for someone to react like this.
Get her out of your life, it's the only way you'll be free of the thoughts of her.
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A
female
reader, Blooregard +, writes (4 May 2006):
I understand your anger as she is comforting numerous betrayed women, yet she has betrayed YOU and quite possibly a FEW other women herself! I know from experience that there is nothing worse than a homewrecker pretending to be an angel. However, although this woman may be behaving incredibly hypocritically, my advice would be to focus on this: you have your husband back, you love eachother, you say yourself you two have never been happier, but your rage towards this woman may affect your relationship: therefore she will have won. Your marriage must be worth alot for you to forgive your husband like this, so whatever you do, do not let your hate for this woman get in the way of your marriage.
I know she has a real nerve setting herself up and preaching, but word gets around and she will probably be exposed for the fraud she is soon. Please Don't let her haunt you because luckily, your marriage has survived this and that is all that matters, not some silly woman acting like a hypocrite. Cut this woman out of your life, make it so that she doesn't exist to you otherwise if she haunts you enough, it may affect your marriage. Frankly, she is not WORTH your anger and has taken up too much of your time already, so whenever you feel a pang of rage towards her, remember: you are better than her and she is not worth a thought. Did you consider she may WANT you to start an arguement so that she can look like the innocent party? Women like that always get what is coming to them somehow, but don't let it be you who exposes her otherwise that will suggest that you are not over it and that she still has a potential chance of ruining your marriage. Just sit back and watch as she digs a hole for herself-someone will step in and expose her some day, so enjoy a happy life with your husband, knowing you have more integrity than she could ever have.
Very best of luck x
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